Dumb things I do - A list

by Blogger Dad on July 1, 2009

larry-david

Sometimes I feel like Larry David spies on me.

For those unfamiliar with David, he is the co-creator of Seinfeld and the creator and star of HBO’s Curb Your Enthusiasm. The humor is painfully funny as it exploits his neuroses and social awkwardness.

The reason both of these shows work so well is that they tap into the stupid things we all do. The more socially awkward the moment, the more painful and funnier it is to watch.

Some of us do dumb things more than others. Some of us, and by us, I mean me, seem to do them on a daily basis.

A few months ago, I thought to compile a list of unexplainable dumb things I do, things that cause me to hang my head in shame or my wife to shake her head. Unfortunately, I lost the list. I can only imagine my mother-in-law came across it while at our house one day and looked at it wondering, “what kind of idiot did my daughter marry?”

Here are the dumb things I recall. More will likely follow in coming weeks or months, or perhaps even years. Maybe I’ll ask my wife and we can release a 24-part series.

Small talk

For some reason, I seem incapable of small talk with strangers.

Ever since my son was born, people come up to us regularly when we are out and say “cute baby” or inquire about his age. Sometimes these people have kids of their own with them, so I will inquire about their kid’s age in reciprocation, but I never think to follow-up to their response.

Example:
Woman: “Aw, cute kid, how old?”
Me: “Two. How old is yours?”
Woman: “27 months” (women never say a toddler’s age in years for some reason)
Me: “Oh.”
Then we each look at each other awkwardly before I say “have a nice day!” (Quickly walk away)

At the movie theater, when the ticket seller tells me to enjoy the movie, my mind has already convinced me that they wished me a good day.

Ticket seller: “Enjoy the movie.”
Me: “You too.” (Cringe, then quickly walk away)

I’m not much better at the grocery store.
Cashier: “Thank you for shopping with us. Have a good evening.”
Me: “Have a good DayNightmrffffffffummmm.”

Yes, my language actually devolves into a mumble as I realize I am not using actual words.

Whenever I wear my Florida Gators shirt, people invariably pass by and say the “Go Gators” thing to me, to which I am SUPPOSED to respond “Go Gators.”

Instead, I invariably laugh (no idea why) or I say “thank you.” Thank you as if I was a member of the championship basketball or football team!

I am thinking of printing a card which I can hand to people which reads: “I’m really not this stupid.”

Dumb things around the house

This is the arena in which I drive my wife nuts.

When I take food out of the fridge which has gone bad, I PUT IT BACK!  As if giving it another day or so may revive it! The better or more complete the leftover meal, the more likely I am to hang on to it for weeks. What am I thinking?

It’s not just food, though, I also keep broken items.

My garage is full of things which any sane person would throw out.  For instance, we have a half completed bookcase which was missing a part but I failed to contact the manufacturer to have them send it.

I keep pens that have long ago run dry.

I sometimes put burnt out light bulks in the box with new ones. I don’t know why, other than it seems like a handy place to put the bulb. I mean, it fits so perfectly in the space.

The more expensive the item, the harder it is to throw out. Recently, my wife dropped her camera at the beach. I can’t get over the fact that it was expensive (just expensive enough to ding the wallet but not expensive enough that it would be cheaper to repair) so I CANNOT justify throwing it in the trash. I just know if I DO throw it out, I’ll meet someone next week who can fix waterlogged cameras with nothing more than a napkin and two spare minutes.

I’ll update again Friday with more dumb things I do and the one thing my wife does which drives me absolutely bonkers!

What painfully dumb things do you do? Leave a comment below, share in the pain, make others feel less dumb.

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Making time for routines

by Blogger Dad on June 29, 2009

I’m kinda’ disappointed.

I expected my sister-in-law’s visit with her four girls, aged two to nine, to produce some humorous stories in which I lost my cool or mind or perhaps a little bit of both. While there were a few moments of insanity which made me question why anyone would choose to have four or more kids, for the most part, the visit went smoothly. In fact, I kinda’ miss having them around because I really enjoyed seeing E interact with other children. Well, when they weren’t fighting over toys, anyway.

e-drawing

One of the good things to come from the visit was a new routine E and I have, coloring.

While we have colored before, and I often draw for him, the routine was sporadic at best. Mostly because he grew bored quickly.

However, while the girls were here, they colored at the table on a daily basis and E thrived on the interaction. So much so that he is now asking Blogger Mom and I to color several times a day. Being a cartoonist, this is all kinds of awesome for me. For one, I get to impress my son with a talent I have. For two, it’s nice to see him get lost in the act of coloring.

I probably got into drawing in order to connect with my mother.

When I was a child, my mom used to draw in a tablet all the time. She was really good, too. I remember her drawing animals, cartoon characters and pictures from greeting cards we received. She usually colored them in with colored pencils, something I was never really good at doing. I remember looking through her book on almost daily basis, wishing I could draw the things she drew. I tried, I mimicked several of her drawings. Then I progressed to tracing images from a Spider Man coloring book until I was able to train my muscle memory to draw Spider Man, or at least a seven year old’s version, on my own.

So it is interesting that my son is taking to drawing at the age of two.

Saturday, he grabbed my hand and said, “color, daddy?” and led me to the kitchen table where we sat next to one another with a box of well worn crayons and a stack of paper.

He asked me to draw different things, including a penguin or a “pen-pen” as he calls them. I quickly drew a crude crayon penguin. You have to be fast with E, because he is chomping at the bit to get his hands on the picture. Once I was done, he asked, “I color penguin?”

So I handed him the penguin, he scribbled circles all over my drawing, then handed it back to me.

“I colored pen-pen,” he said.

And my heart melted.

My drawings are not art until E has taken a crayon to them.

drawerings

click to make bigger

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My Little Ponies for Little Dudes

by Blogger Dad on June 25, 2009

As I mentioned before, my two year old son, E, became obsessed with My Little Pony after his cousins brought their stable to our house. To my surprise, E spent a considerable amount of time brushing a pony’s hair. While I admit my first instinct was shock, I was actually rather touched to see how much care he was putting into the act. After some thought, I decided to go ahead and buy him a pony of his own. Surely, there are some brown or beige ponies, right? Unfortunately, the local stores only had a few options, none of them even remotely masculine. And while I consider myself a fairly progressive dad not tied down to the typical male/female stereotypes and trappings, it was a bit difficult to pony up the cash (pun intended) for a pink My Little Pony with an even pinker flower on its bottom.
pink-pony
I found myself wondering, why doesn’t Hasbro have a boy’s line of My Little Ponies?
I wound up driving about 45 miles to find a My Little Pony that was a bit more gender neutral and had a comb rather than a tennis racket, blowdryer or purse. At Toys-R-Us, I found a blue and purple My Little Pony which I gave to him and he seems to enjoy.

My son is not alone

While I was surprised that my son likes My Little Ponies, I was even more surprised that so many readers commented and tweeted that they too, or their sons, enjoyed My Little Pony! So as a service to my readers and to all the boys secretly yearning, but ashamed, to play with their sisters’ My Little Ponies, I offer up some more masculine options for the fine folks at Hasbro to consider.

My Little Pony Soldier

Nothing says boy like guns and a skull tattoo, right? This ultra violent pony comes with his own accessories, including an assault rifle, ammunition, knife and grease paint for when the pony wants to go Full On Rambo! my-little-pony-soldier

My Little Pony NASCAR Edition

While some NASCAR traditionalists might question my choice of Jeff Gordon as the masculine symbol and they might even make a “rainbow warrior” joke or two, they are typically the very knuckle dragging homophobes that make boys feel they should hide their desire to play with My Little Pony in the first place. I say, fly your Pony flag high and proudly! And what better way than one of NASCAR’s best, Jeff Gordon My Little Pony, complete with sponsor stickers! my-little-pony-nascar

My Little Pony Construction Worker

Boys like tools, right? Move over, Bob the Builder, because this steel toed boot, construction belt wearing, tool toting handypony will delight the young and young at heart. my-little-pony-construction Got an idea for a masculine pony I missed? Leave a suggestion in the comments and I might just draw the best one or two next week. Enjoy this post? Please consider Tweeting it and tell others.

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{ 37 comments }