Sometimes I feel like Larry David spies on me.
For those unfamiliar with David, he is the co-creator of Seinfeld and the creator and star of HBO’s Curb Your Enthusiasm. The humor is painfully funny as it exploits his neuroses and social awkwardness.
The reason both of these shows work so well is that they tap into the stupid things we all do. The more socially awkward the moment, the more painful and funnier it is to watch.
Some of us do dumb things more than others. Some of us, and by us, I mean me, seem to do them on a daily basis.
A few months ago, I thought to compile a list of unexplainable dumb things I do, things that cause me to hang my head in shame or my wife to shake her head. Unfortunately, I lost the list. I can only imagine my mother-in-law came across it while at our house one day and looked at it wondering, “what kind of idiot did my daughter marry?”
Here are the dumb things I recall. More will likely follow in coming weeks or months, or perhaps even years. Maybe I’ll ask my wife and we can release a 24-part series.
Small talk
For some reason, I seem incapable of small talk with strangers.
Ever since my son was born, people come up to us regularly when we are out and say “cute baby” or inquire about his age. Sometimes these people have kids of their own with them, so I will inquire about their kid’s age in reciprocation, but I never think to follow-up to their response.
Example:
Woman: “Aw, cute kid, how old?”
Me: “Two. How old is yours?”
Woman: “27 months” (women never say a toddler’s age in years for some reason)
Me: “Oh.”
Then we each look at each other awkwardly before I say “have a nice day!” (Quickly walk away)
At the movie theater, when the ticket seller tells me to enjoy the movie, my mind has already convinced me that they wished me a good day.
Ticket seller: “Enjoy the movie.”
Me: “You too.” (Cringe, then quickly walk away)
I’m not much better at the grocery store.
Cashier: “Thank you for shopping with us. Have a good evening.”
Me: “Have a good DayNightmrffffffffummmm.”
Yes, my language actually devolves into a mumble as I realize I am not using actual words.
Whenever I wear my Florida Gators shirt, people invariably pass by and say the “Go Gators” thing to me, to which I am SUPPOSED to respond “Go Gators.”
Instead, I invariably laugh (no idea why) or I say “thank you.” Thank you as if I was a member of the championship basketball or football team!
I am thinking of printing a card which I can hand to people which reads: “I’m really not this stupid.”
Dumb things around the house
This is the arena in which I drive my wife nuts.
When I take food out of the fridge which has gone bad, I PUT IT BACK! As if giving it another day or so may revive it! The better or more complete the leftover meal, the more likely I am to hang on to it for weeks. What am I thinking?
It’s not just food, though, I also keep broken items.
My garage is full of things which any sane person would throw out. For instance, we have a half completed bookcase which was missing a part but I failed to contact the manufacturer to have them send it.
I keep pens that have long ago run dry.
I sometimes put burnt out light bulks in the box with new ones. I don’t know why, other than it seems like a handy place to put the bulb. I mean, it fits so perfectly in the space.
The more expensive the item, the harder it is to throw out. Recently, my wife dropped her camera at the beach. I can’t get over the fact that it was expensive (just expensive enough to ding the wallet but not expensive enough that it would be cheaper to repair) so I CANNOT justify throwing it in the trash. I just know if I DO throw it out, I’ll meet someone next week who can fix waterlogged cameras with nothing more than a napkin and two spare minutes.
I’ll update again Friday with more dumb things I do and the one thing my wife does which drives me absolutely bonkers!
What painfully dumb things do you do? Leave a comment below, share in the pain, make others feel less dumb.
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