Rejected Kids’ Books – August 2010
Wow, these publishing companies REALLY hate the books I pitch them!
They all SAY that they want unique books for kids, but whenever I pitch them my ideas, I get the strangest cease and desist rejection letters. Anyway, my pain is your gain. Here’s the newest batch of rejected works of genius.
Click on any of the book covers for larger images.
You’re Not Special
There’s a self esteem movement gaining strength the past decade or so which aims to teach all kids that they are unique and special in some way.
But what about the kids who aren’t all that unique or special?
If everyone is special, doesn’t that remove meaning from the word “special?”
The fact is, we’re probably doing more harm than good by lying to kids who are marginal at best, so why not tell them the truth?
That’s where this book comes in.
Grandpa’s In Hell Now
Teaching kids about death can be a traumatic time. There’s lots of books on the market telling kids that their loved ones are in heaven, but what about kids whose loved ones are going South for eternity?
Go To Sleep Or The Monster Will Get You
It’s tough getting kids to go to sleep. They’re all wound up and full of energy or they’re rebellious and use nighttime as their battleground. Nothing works as a motivator quite like fear. And what better fear to use than the inherent fear of monsters? Or better yet, monsters who use sound to find their prey? This lovely little tale will have your kids hiding under their covers as quiet as church mice!
The Machiavellian Guide to Schoolyard Dominance
If you’re not popular, rich, or big and strong, you’re not gonna make it in grade school. However, you have something those other meatheads and mouthbreathers don’t – cunning (if you buy this book, anyway). Now you can master the schoolyard and make others do your bidding while never personally getting your hands dirty. Well, not too dirty, anyway.
Learn such skills as:
- How to use people’s desire to be liked against them.
- How to seize power while flying under the radar.
- How to make your enemies do your bidding.
- Finding and exploiting the weaknesses of each of the animals in your school’s kingdom.
101 Fun Things to Do With Knives
Remember when kids used play in this place called “outside?” When they shot bb guns, sling shots, and beat the snot out of each other while playing football? Nowadays, eight-year-olds are more tech savvy than their parents; they have their own little tech kid caves replete with video games, computers, and god knows what else? And you know why? Because parents went so overboard with “safety this and safety that” the past decade, that they’ve taken all the fun toys away.
So what better way to get kids back outside than a book which brings back a fun toy for all ages – knives!
Petey The Panda Has Tourette’s
Tourette Syndrome can be traumatic for both the child who has it and his classmates who wonder why the kid next to them is twitching or yelping out obscenities every other minute. This book aims to introduce kids to what Tourette’s is and remove the stigma attached to it.
Yet, given the publishers’ reaction to this book proposal, they seem to hate kids with Tourette’s.
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Thank You For Two Years
Wow, hard to believe I’ve been doing this blog for two years.
A lot has changed in the course of two years. From the growth of my son, who was just one then, to the growth of this blog, which had one reader (I can count myself, right?) then, change is the only constant. And, as the site turns two, I figured it was time for another redesign.
The drawing which starts this post was part of the original redesign concept I had, but I scrapped it for what you see now. Shame to let good art go to waste, though.
Part of the reason for the redesign was aesthetics – I like a pretty blog. But I also wanted to add some functionality to the site, something to draw new (and new-ish readers) to some of the older content they may have missed. I am going through the process of re-categorizing a lot of posts (I’m about 70% done) so you will be able to find posts of a similar theme to the one you’re reading. For example, if you like a rant I wrote, you might want to go back and JUST read my rants. Well, now you can. Just below each post title (headline) you’ll see a blue link telling you what category you’re reading. Click on that and you will be taken to archived posts of just those kinds of posts.
I also added some of the main categories in boxes up top, to the right of the logo.
- Man v. Wife – which covers differences between men and women, mostly dealing with my wife and the weird things she does that make no sense to me (like putting peanut butter and jelly on the SAME side of the sandwich).
- Ruining Children’s Literature - While I only have a couple of posts with Rejected Kids’ Books, they are fun, and definitely something I’d like first-time visitors to see right away. And I’m sure I’ll be doing a new round of rejected book covers soon.
- Rants – There’s a lot of stupid people out there. I plan to post a rant about each of them before this blog is done.
- Memorable Moments – Pretty self explanatory. These posts mostly deal with my son, E, and the cute, funny, or just special moments I want to remember as he grows.
- Heartfelt – These posts are the ones from the heart. Sometimes, they’re about just saying thank you, and other times, they’re about the death of a best friend.
You can also see other categories in a drop-down box in the sidebar to your right.
Another new thing about my site, you might notice, is that I changed WordPress themes. I was using Chris Pearson’s Thesis theme. Now I’m using Eric Hamm’s Frugal theme. While I still like Thesis, and it was the first WordPress premium theme I had any experience with, Frugal has become one of my main tools in customizing site designs for clients. The fact is, I don’t think there’s an easier-to-use theme for customizing a blog! I did this site without ever leaving the dashboard of WordPress. No tricky css code or changing code of theme files at all. When it came time to redesign Blogger Dad, there was no question which theme I’d use this time around.
I’ll probably be making some more tweaks to the site over the next week or so. Feel free to let me know if there’s anything you don’t like or would like to see, and I’ll see what I can do. Because while this site is about me and my family, it’s FOR you. You are the reason I’m still here posting two years later.
Thank You…
Thank you to everyone who stops by to read. Thank you to those who take the time to comment (even though I am the worst jerk in the world about returning comments – because I work 900 hours a week).
Thank you to my wife, BloggerMom, who has made this blog possible by being an awesome wife, a great mother, and giving me lots of material and not getting (too) mad when I make fun of her penchant for buying bad can openers. I love you.
Thank you to my mom, dad, and brother, who have helped make me into the wonderfully (?) weird person I am today and inspire me daily.
Thank you to my extended family, those that read and sometimes even comment.
Thank you to my business and creative partner Sean Platt and his wonderful family, who have shared the blogging journey with me and have helped to pave a road which seems to be getting more amazing every day.
Thank you to Lori and the team at REV who absolutely kick ass!
Thank you to my friend, Lisa, who is probably my only real-life friend who reads this thing. Which is good, because it lets me make fun of my other “friends” without worry.
And lastly, thank you to E, my son, without whom, this site would’ve just devolved into daily rants about things which tick me off. Thank you, E, for showing me the what’s really important and that the world is still wonderful, if you take the time to look through different eyes.
Thank you to everyone.
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F$#*! the PTC
(Warning: This isn’t a regular, family-friendly Blogger Dad post. It has some “indecent” language. This is also my first post-40 written post. Man, am I gonna be a cranky old man! You have been warned.)
You know, I was trying to be good and ignore this blatant attempt at self promotion. But, when a story is this ridiculous, I had to take the bait.
The Parents Television Council, an advocacy group who takes it upon themselves to police the entertainment industry and determine what you and your kids should and shouldn’t be exposed to, has gone after the CBS show, $#*! My Dad Says, because … get this … the title of the show is “indecent” – even though the show censors its own title!
The show, premiering this fall, is based on a Twitter account, Shit My Dad Says, which recounts the musings of writer Justin Halpern’s dad, an old-school, no holds barred guy who tells it like it is, often to hilarious ends. The Twitter stream became an unlikely success story, leading to a book of musings interspersed with more fleshed out stories of growing up with dad, called S*it My Dad Says.
The PTC has sent 340 letters out to frequent sponsors of TV shows urging them not to advertise on $#*! My Dad Says unless the name of the show is changed.
According to an Associated Press article, PTC President Tim Winter, “Parents really do care about profanity when their kids are watching TV … All parents? No, but something like 80 or 90 percent of parents. Putting an expletive in the title of a show is crossing new territory, and we can’t allow that to happen on our watch.”
On their watch? Who appointed these self-important A$$holes as Defenders of TV?
Oh yeah, They Did.
The PTC is a conservative group who claims they want to “bring back family values and responsibility to the entertainment industry.” According to Wikipedia (yeah, I went “all out” in my research) they began in 1989, by monitoring “liberal bias” in entertainment. They have since gotten their knickers in a bunch whenever any TV show airs anything which might offend somebody somewhere.
And oh yeah, they bring in lots of money as self-appointed guardians of what you see and hear.
And that’s what this is really about, isn’t it? Drumming up more interest and donations for their cushy “jobs” as the Morality Police.
A group making money off what will likely be a popular TV show by creating controversy.
Now I won’t even go into the backgrounds of this group. For instance, I won’t mention that board members include Billy Ray Cyrus – we all know what a paragon of morality his daughter is. Woops, too late. You can check out the wikipedia page for more information on this group, its political connections and the influence it wields.
No, this post is mainly about $#*!.
How is $#*! an indecent word?
What child do you know that doesn’t talk about $#*!, whether he calls it poop, poo-poo, doody, Number Two, or any other term? Facts are facts, we all do it. We all shit.
When did pooping become indecent? I mean, they’re not gonna show it on the new show, right? I mean, now THAT would be something worth writing letters about!
I’m not going to say that there isn’t any value in what the PTC does. Believe me, I find much of TV reprehensible, whether it be glorified scenes of violence or so-called Men of God preying on the wallets of the weak and sick, there’s lots out there to offend and warp the minds of the innocent.
I think the PTC can provide a valuable service (and earn their paychecks a bit more honestly) by giving parents information about the content of TV shows so that THEY, THE PARENTS, can make informed decisions about what their children watch on TV. But we don’t need the Morality Police changing the content of TV shows or trying to damage a show (not to mention the jobs of all the people involved in the show – don’t they have families which they value and would like to be able to provide an income for?) by going after its advertisers.
Isn’t the Conservative party about smaller government, and letting “the market decide?”
So, let the market decide if shows like this, or actual more offensive shows, survive. Besides, don’t TV’s have V-chips to filter out “bad” TV shows? And I hear that there’s other new technology out which also allows you to both change the channel and turn the TV off! It’s called a remote!
Why do we need Morality Police to protect our kids from profanity and violence on TV? Isn’t that the job of a parent?
For those who would argue that parents aren’t around to monitor their childrens’ TV viewing habits, I might counter argue, isn’t that the real problem here?
But back to the subject at hand, this diatribe DOES have a point.
A funny thing happened this Father’s Day. A lot of people I know told me that they got the book, S*it My Dad Says for their dads as a Father’s Day gift. They said it reminded them of their own dads, and the shit their dads said. I visited a book store and talked to some employees who told me that the book was flying off the shelves. People were getting the book for their dads.
In other words, families are bonding over this book. This “indecent” book. A book, which I might add, some might even call touching and poignant.
And here’s the thing that these Morality Police miss in their obsession (one might almost call it a perverse obsession) with obscene language. Lots of dads talked like this. My own dad cursed like a fleet of sailors. That doesn’t make them any less valued as a person. Any more vile or indecent. My dad was, and is, the most honest, caring, tough-as-nails, but decent person I’ve ever known. I’d stack him up against your whole band of letter-writing, job-killing-Morality Police any day of the week. Because it’s not about the Shit our dads say.
It’s about what our dads DO that shapes us.
So F$#*! you, PTC!
Sorry, I meant, Fuck You, PTC!
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With Respect to Deep Friar, I Would Be a Better Boss Of The World
(Wow, a month off and then two posts in two days? I’m on a roll! In case you missed yesterday’s, which technically ran this morning and therefore missed timely publishing on the RSS feeds, it’s here. )
Tonight’s post was inspired by Deep Friar’s recent (and funnier) post, More Things I’d Do If I Were Boss of the World. Friar is a lot like me, in that we both blog, we both draw, and we’re both ticked off a lot, but he’s waaaaaay older. His idea seemed like a great way to cull together some of these random rants that have been building up during the past month.
So, with respect to Friar, I am going to imagine the rules I’d put in place if I were Boss Of The World. And when I say imagine, I mean, enforce rules I’ve already formulated on my walls in tiny obsessively scrawled missives.
If I Were Boss Of The World…
- People would have to maintain a one-seat-radius in the movie theater until such time that sales exceed the number of vacant seats necessary to do this.
- You would be allowed to legally taze anyone who comes to a dead stop in front of you to check their receipts, phones for messages, or for any other reason short of needing to put out a fire on their body.
- Pundits on FOX News and MSNBC would be forced to square off in a facts-only steel cage death match style debate. Sure, it wouldn’t get the ratings that actual REAL wrestling gets, but it would be a lot more fun to watch! And besides, who among us can’t imagine Glenn Beck dressed like Ric Flair? In fact,now that I think about it, Beck looks a lot like Bobby “The Brain” Heenan. Hmmm.
- Pepsi and Coca-Cola would be forced to have caffeine-free versions of their Diet Cherry lines of soda.
- Boxes of McDonald’s fries would have to be crammed full of fries JUST LIKE THEY ARE ON THE MENU BOARD and in the ads! Workers who try to pass off half-full boxes would be tazed.
- All people responsible for The Fresh Beat Band will be deported to a terrorist detention camp where they will be water-boarded for each hour of misery they’ve inflicted on parents forced to endure their special brand of hell on TV. And they’ll be tazed.
- Cake (or cupcake) delivery restaurants would be as prolific as pizza delivery joints so we can order a whole cake or just a slice whenever the mood strikes (which for me, is often).
- Anyone driving with music loud enough that it shakes walls within a half mile radius will be tazed. Twice. Then they will be forced to listen to chamber music at the same volume. If they happen to like chamber music, they’ll have to listen to the Fresh Beat Band.
- All children’s DVD’s would automatically start the minute you put them in the DVD player. And the movie or shows would repeat until such time that you hit eject. If you buy a DVD, you should not be forced to cycle through ads while your kid is having a nuclear meltdown.
- Every toy that makes noise would HAVE to have a volume control. Or a button to push to permanently disable its speakers in dramatic explosioney fashion.
- TV’s would be made with a filter which would block out any commercial which shows animals suffering as a Sarah McLachlan song plays in the background.
- I’d make stealing blog post ideas a crime, punishable by tazing. Wait, er…
ZAP. ARGHHH!
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The Incredibly Sad Reason I’ve Been Absent
“Freeze this moment a little bit longer; make each sensation a little bit stronger.” -Time Stand Still by Rush
You might have noticed (or maybe you didn’t, but I’d like to think you did) that I haven’t been around for the past month. I’ve been having a bit of a minor mental breakdown. You see, in one week, I’m going to be Officially Old. Not official like in Logan’s Run, where the government kills people once they reach a certain age. See, a Logan’s Run reference – proof of my oldness! And I’ve not been dealing well with it. But official by Seven-Year-Old Me’s standards.
The Big 4-0 is creeping up on me with all the stealth of an atom bomb, and I can’t help but wonder, what the hell happened?
I’m barely ready to face my 30’s gracefully, and here I am knocking on 40’s door. I’m not saying that all my readers who are over 40 are old – but just that I’m not ready to be 40!
When I was seven, I used to think how incredibly ancient 40-year-olds seemed. I figured by the time I was 40, I’d have written 10 books, I’d have a family, would have my life figured out, and most importantly, I’d be flitting around in one of those Jetson’s flying cars.
Somehow, through some kind of dumb luck and not at all due to my charms, I managed to have a family. But, I’m no closer to having life figured out. Nor do I have 10 books written, though I have half of one book I’m co-writing in progress and a book of my comics published (which is all kinds of cool in itself). And as for the Jetson’s car? Well, that part’s not my fault.
Long story short, I’m facing 40 as I faced 30 – full of regret for a life not lived.
But, unlike age 30, I am no longer crippled by the same fears I once had. And I actually believe in myself a bit more than I did. I’ve actually done some incredible things this decade, things I would’ve never thought possible from where I was at age 29. And the regrets don’t sting as much when I’m actually moving toward something.
It with those mixed feelings of regret and blossoming confidence that I told myself I would have a book done by the time I turn 40. So, last week, I started it. Yes, I’m writing a book in two weeks, so take that, Na-No-Wri-Mo!
To be fair, the book is being co-written by my partner, Sean Platt (who has also been absent from his site, surely further advancing rumors that he and I are the same person) and I. However, unlike Available Darkness (which isn’t dead – just on hold) we aren’t writing it together chapter-by-chapter. I am writing the whole thing then passing it to him for him to work on. So, technically, I am writing a book. In two weeks.
The story began with an idea he’d been storing in his Vault of a Million Ideas.
Sean pitched it to me a few months ago about something we could someday work on. However, something about the story resonated with me long after our discussion. I suggested some changes which really made it the best of both our ideas – a truly magical idea that I don’t think either one of us would’ve written solo.
The story is different from my normal fiction. For one, it’s geared towards fifth or sixth graders. Second, it’s humorous. But where the story really shines is the relationships between fathers and sons. It has something serious to say, something that adults can also enjoy.
I’d love to tell you more, but I’ve got a book to get back to. I’m not getting any younger, you know.
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