Ask Blogger Dad: Cursing Hubby

It’s Wednesday Thursday, so it must be time to open up the Ask Blogger Dad mail bag, the place where the desperate go for honest-ish answers from a certified know-it-all.

Feel free to email me at IDrawComics (at) gmail.com or leave a comment here and I’ll respond. If you are really ashamed of yourself — and you probably should be for emailing a make believe advice columnist — you can ask me to withhold your name and I will do so.

Disclaimer: If you actually take my advice, you should probably seek professional help from someone more qualified.

Dear Blogger Dad,

Why does my husband curse at the TV while watching sports?

-Anonymous Mom

Dear Anonymous Mom,

Hmm, you’re not writing from the next room, are you?

Men have been cursing at TV’s for years – at least as long as live sports have aired. While it might seem like another example of typical boorish male behavior, it’s actually quite the opposite.

You see, sports teams NEED men to yell at the TV when players do something stupid, when coaches make horrible decisions, and especially when referees make bad calls because their heads are lodged firmly in their asses. The cumulative psychic energy of millions of men yelling simultaneously at their TV’s has been scientifically proven to actually change the momentum of a game (according to a report I once read on the internet).

And while your husband could, I suppose, use less vulgar words, we all know that vulgarities carry a far more powerful force. Which of the below do you feel is more powerful?

• Golly Gee, Ref, I do believe that you made a mistake.
• What the F*&#, REF? Are you f*#^%ing blind?! How can you miss such an obvious mother#$*ing call, you f*&#ing f%#@*head!

So, try not to be so hard on your husband. In this dog-eat-dog world of people only concerned with themselves, your husband’s devotion should be commended and encouraged.

Blogger Dad

Dear Blogger Dad,

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? And how can I emulate said beardlessness? Since you know, shaving is such a chore.

Marc

Dear Marc,

Why would you want to be beardless? Beards are awesome and a sure sign of your manliness!

REAL MEN don’t worry about societal norms such as being clean shaven. Leave that to male models and other girly guys. Embrace your manly nature and grow as big a beard as you can handle!

As for Tarzan’s lack of stubble, I’m not sure how to tell you this, but he wasn’t real. He was, in fact, played by a Hollywood actor. And as we know, most actors skew a bit girly on the man-0-meter (as demonstrated below).

Dear Blogger Dad,

Hi, I sent you an email earlier and I thought I would reiterate that the sporting event my husband was cursing at on the TV was recorded and not live. He was yelling at an event at which the outcome was already decided!

Anonymous Mom

Dear Anonymous Mom,

While it might seem that yelling at events which have already happened wouldn’t do any good, you have to consider that time and space are not firmly fixed points. In fact, the louder and more expletive-laden your man’s curses are, the more likely they are to transcend the time-space barrier and actually travel back in time to affect the outcome of said events.

Blogger Dad

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