Blogger Dad » humor

Taking Down The Lights

David — Sun, 17 Apr 2011 02:00:18 +0000

I finally took down the Christmas lights that were hanging on my house.

Yeah, I know I’m a bit, shall we say, tardy, in doing so, what with it being April and all.

Don’t judge.

The only reason I took the lights down was because this weekend was my son’s 4th birthday this weekend and we were having people in from out of town.

My plan was to keep the lights up year round simply to avoid having to put them up again next year. They were white, so it’s not like they really stood out as much as colored lights would. However, I don’t want to be the owner of that house. You know, the one that the neighbors point at as they drive by every say, “Are their lights STILL up?”

Although, considering it’s April, that ship might have already left the docks.

Keeping Up With The Joneses

Having lights up all year would be one thing if I lived in a trashy neighborhood where Christmas lights would be competing with cars on blocks, couches in the yard, and all manner of eyesores. But I live in a decent suburban neighborhood and to make matters worse, two of my neighbors have recently undergone rather extensive outdoor landscaping projects which have made their yards seem like something from the front cover of a magazine called Nicer Homes Than You Have.

Those jerks!

And while my house and yard don’t like like the one on Malcolm in the Middle, we don’t have a perfectly-manicured lawn, rock garden, or any of the other things people do to make their homes look nicer. For one, having a nice yard is expensive! And for two, it involves a lot more work than I have time for.

But as the neighbors are making their homes look better, I’m kind of feeling a psychological push to do similar.

It’s almost as if I can feel them saying, “Come on, dude, do something with your lawn. Or hell, at least take down your lights!”

So I went out today and yanked the lights down, rolling them up for next year (sigh), and my new neighbor came out of his house — the guy who just planted a huge tree and some other landscaping. I stared at the ground, not wanting to make eye contact at all, hoping he wouldn’t notice that I was (finally!) taking my lights down. But as I did my best to become invisible, I could feel his eyes on me. Mocking me.

And I’m not sure, but I think I heard him mentally clapping sarcastically at me.

Jerk.

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The Worst Valentine’s Day Gifts

David — Wed, 09 Feb 2011 04:52:50 +0000

It’s that time of year again, where everyone is searching for Valentine’s Day gifts. And the advertisers are all too happy to help you. My inbox is flooded with “Special Valentine’s Day” offers.

Most are from the usual suspects, flower shops and Amazon, but I’m also getting ads from Apple (nothing says love like a new IPhone Touch), Barnes and Noble (nothing says love like a Nook Color), and other non-traditional gifts.

But some of the ads I’m getting are just weird. Not the usual things you’d think of getting for Valentine’s Day.

This photo is an actual product! It’s actually called Sweet Romance!

Wow.

Not a real book, but it ought to be. Perhaps this will be one of my future books, given my thoughts on most of these books.

You ever watch this show?

Proof that people should be given emotional tests prior to being allowed to breed.

That last photo is NOT photoshopped. It’s from the actual Amazon page!

On a serious note, I’ve also compiled a list of NO-FAIL romantic Valentine’s Day Gifts for guys looking for something romantic. One of my best romantic ideas EVER is on this guest post at Man of the House, so check it out. While they asked me to write a list for gifts men can give their wives/girlfriends, most of the items will also work for women who are looking for something special to give their men.

And if you have any suggestions, or just want to tell me how horrible my ideas are, please share it over at Man of the House.

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Things Which Every House Should Have

David — Wed, 26 Jan 2011 03:04:40 +0000

Do you ever find yourself wishing things were different in your house? That a room was a bit bigger or maybe the builder considered how you might actually use electrical outlets instead of placing them in seemingly random spots? Or that your yard had a moat to keep solicitors away?

When you’re buying your first home, you really don’t consider everything you might need. For instance, I had no idea I would have a child, so the house wasn’t exactly designed with a kid in mind.

So, now I’m forced to improvise and add stuff which the house should have come with, but didn’t. And as a service to you, dear reader, I’m giving you this list to improve your own homes. You’re welcome.

GIANT garbage bins for the kitchen

This "might" do the job.

I don’t know why, but my wife insists on wimpy 13 gallon “kitchen” trash cans. Just because they’re called “kitchen” trash cans, doesn’t mean they are the only ones you can put in your kitchen!

When you throw roughly 40 gallons of trash away per day, as most households do (according to a statistic I made up), so-called kitchen trash cans are just endless exercises in frustration.

If I were building a house of MY design, there would be a window in the kitchen which led directly to an industrial-sized dumpster/compactor outside. And just think, all the birds a dumpster would attract! It’s better than a bird feeder, and hours of entertainment for my stupid cats.

I asked my wife for permission (yes, I’m totally whipped) to get a proper garbage can for the kitchen, but she refuses to budge. She thinks it will look “tacky.”

But, I figure if I leave the can full for her to change for a few weeks, she’ll relent and let me get a big 80-gallon heavy duty can!

Soundproof walls

There must be some law somewhere which says no matter where I live, it must be within range of one of the following noise makers:

a mariachi band that likes to practice every weeknight without fail
a motorcycle enthusiast who LOVES the sound of his hog
car enthusiasts whose sole mission in life seems to be breaking the sound barrier with their engines
young people whose car trunks have been converted to bass-blasting thug music, which they proceed to show off each and every day as if auditioning for some new MTV reality show called World’s Biggest Assholes – a sequel to New Jersey Shore.
a family of displaced howler monkeys

Since I can’t expect the world to conform to my insane requests not to have an impromptu drag race outside my house at 4:30 am, I need to soundproof my home.

"Hi, I'm your new neighbor. I'm retired and like to wake up early and work on my car. Every day. Including holidays."

Soundproof Kids’ Rooms

While on the subject of sound-proof rooms, I can’t think of a better use of them than to throw a tantruming child into for a real time-out, solitary confinement style.

Parenting guides say to keep your cool when your kid is having a meltdown. Well, it’s kind of hard to keep calm when their screaming fills the entire house. Fortunately, my child has had very few episodes like this, but I’ve seen SuperNanny, I know what the little monsters are capable of!

The solution – a soundproof room. Preferably one with a window, so they can watch you as you eat ice cream while they’re in lock down.

Soundproof Cones of Silence

Are you sensing a theme here?

It’s REALLY difficult to write amusing posts for your enjoyment when I have a three year old asking questions repeatedly.

“What is Dora doing? Why is Boots named Boots? Why does Swiper wear gloves? Does Dora have gloves? Where are Dora’s gloves? Does Map have gloves? What is Dora doing now? Why are you crying, daddy?”

I’m not suggesting I’d ignore my son. But just a few minutes in a cone of silence so I can find sanity.

A super-deep kitchen sink

I don’t know if it’s just me, but whenever I wash dishes, I get more water on myself, the counter, and the floor than I get on the dishes. And considering I wash a majority of the dishes, even if I use only one plate and cup all day long, I am in a perpetual state of annoyance whenever I step up to the sink.

I’d like a sink that’s roughly the size of a small bath tub, and just as deep. And while we’re at it, why not add a full blown shower head, the nice ones with the 20 different pulsating streams!

An Actual TV Babysitter

Some people criticize parents, saying they use TV as a babysitter like it’s a bad thing. And I call those critics childless.

I know, I used to be one of those people – until I had a child and realized there is no way I’d keep my sanity without the help of TV.

Before you call me a monster, E only watches shows on PBS Kids and Nick Jr. And the occasional episode of Ace of Cakes.

However, I’d like an ACTUAL TV babysitter. One that can also get my son ready for school, clean up when he pukes all over the place, and give him a bath. Which is just one more reason I want Apple’s Steve Jobs to get healthy again, because if there’s an innovative genius who is working on an actual TV babysitter, I’m sure it’s Jobs, with his new iBabysitter.

More to come…

Due to how long this post got (more than 1,000 words), I left several items off the list, so I’ll probably add a second post in a few days or early next week.

Also, in case you missed it, I posted two posts tonight. Here’s the other, on getting fit with your family.

What kinds of stuff do you wish your house had? Leave a comment below.

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Best Excuse Ever!

David — Fri, 21 Jan 2011 03:55:18 +0000

E brushing his teeth, Dec. 2009

My wife was sleeping the other morning when E came into the room and woke her up. Usually, he’d crawl up and snuggle with her for a few minutes until she got out of bed, but this time, he said he had to go to the bathroom.

A few minutes later, he hadn’t returned.

And the house was unusually quiet.

A quiet house with a three year old is never a sign of good things unless said child is sleeping.

So, my wife got out of bed, went into the bathroom and there he was – hunched over the toilet, carefully squeezing the toothpaste tube (one of those pump-action ones where toothpaste just spurts out the top at the press of a button) and watching as striped dollops of Aquafresh For Kids splish-splashed into the toilet below.

When he saw my wife looming over him, E got excited, pointing ecstatically into the toilet bowl, “Look! Mommy, Look what I did!”

An artist is born!

He was smiling, though it was kind of hard to see, as his mouth was also covered in toothpaste, looking like a rabid dog.

Not only had he squeezed toothpaste into the toilet, but also on the toilet seat … and into the sink … and … all over the tub!

“Why did you do that?!” my wife shrieked.

“Because daddy left the lid off.”

So, yeah, it always comes back to me.

Got an ‘artistic’ child story? Share it below. I’d love to hear it.

*******

Top 5 Worst Kids’ Show Hair Styles

David — Wed, 22 Dec 2010 04:34:03 +0000

Having a three year old, I’m subjected to a lot of Kids’ TV. And while we stick to shows with some redeeming value, that doesn’t necessarily make the shows good.

Being the snarky guy I am, my inner critic wants to tear some of these shows to shreds, but I don’t want to be a jerk and make fun of people or TV shows in front of my son, so I keep my dialogue internal.

**Do you know how hard it is to watch Fresh Beat Band without screaming the word douchebag at the TV?!**

Almost impossible.

Anyway, for the most part, my scathing internal critiques serve only to amuse me. Kind of “you had to be there” moments.

However, every now and then something bubbles to the surface and I have to tell someone.

With that being said, here’s the

TOP 5 WORST KIDS’ SHOWS HAIR STYLES

5. ‘Cody’ from Dino Dan.

This Canadian kid’s show isn’t bad. I might have even enjoyed it as a child. But the characters are so unbelievably badly written. The teachers are all “eccentric” in a bad-children’s TV sorta way. Real people don’t act like this. Well, maybe they do in Canada, I don’t know.

But this kid Cody comes in as Number 5 in worst kids’ show hair. The poor kid serves as the class idiot, always making odd faces or wearing some weird outfit, trying just a little too hard to make you laugh. Once, I swear, he was wearing a spaghetti strainer on his head for “comic” effect.

And I’ve yet to laugh.

I mean, yeah, I’m hardly the show’s target audience, but if Jack’s Big Music Show can make me laugh, there’s no reason this show can’t.

Poor kid. I hope, for his sake, the show doesn’t actually air in Canada. Because I know all to well what it was like being a slightly chubby kid who tries a little too hard to make people laugh.

Of course, I didn’t have a TV show and all the money that comes with it. So he’s already ahead of my game.

4. The Kid From Frosty Returns

This might be the first instance of a kid who wears a toupee on a kids’ show.

At first, I thought he might just be a young Andy Rooney, with giant eyebrows. But another screen-shot shows that this is indeed his hair. I’m not sure which is more distressing — his hair or this “sequel” which features a SINGING John Goodman! What circle of Hell was Frosty Returns conceived in?

Probably the same circle which keeps Leno on the air.

If you happened to see this holiday special (and I use the term ‘special’ loosely) recently, you may have thought the little girl’s voice sounded familiar. The main character is voiced by none other than Mad Men’s Elisabeth Moss. Glad to see she wasn’t ostracized for her contribution to the slaughter of a beloved franchise.

3. Whatever the Hell This Thing Is From Fifi & The Flowertots

I don’t know what the character’s name is. All I know is that my son LOVES this weird British kids’ show about a bunch of anthropomorphic flowers and plants.

And for the record, calling a British kids’ show weird, means it’s REALLY FREAKING WEIRD!

Because while the UK churns out some of my favorite adult dramas and comedies, their kids’ shows are … really freaking weird. It’s like the shows were inspired by American shows, but they didn’t quite have the budget, or wanted to avoid outright copyright infringement, so they just weirded the show up.

Or…. the same drugs that inspire the writers of the awesome adult dramas and comedies I enjoy, DO NOT inspire good kids shows.

2. The Funky-Haired Girl From Caillou

This girl is the main reason this list exists. I’ve been watching Caillou for two years and I always find myself asking the same questions.

Is Edward Scissorhands her barber?
Do her parents hate her?
Is it some weird Canadian style I just don’t get?
Do the artists not know how to draw hair? Caillou IS bald, after all. How many bald four year olds do you know?

I don’t know what’s going on, but this is clearly the WORST INDIVIDUAL HAIR STYLE on my list.

However, the honor of Worst Kids’ Show Hair Style goes to…

1. Lazy Town

This Icelandic kids’ show is perhaps the freakiest thing on TV.

It’s like the government of Iceland got together in a smoke-filled secret meeting and decided, “The Brits have cornered the market on horrible kids’ shows, we MUST DO SOMETHING!” They put together a panel and came up with the absolute worst ideas for kids’ shows and instead of choosing ONE BAD IDEA, they chose to include THEM ALL!

From what I can tell, the show is about a pink-haired girl who runs around exercising and singing, while some Jay Leno looking guy runs around trying to ruin everyone’s life by making them lazy or something. Meanwhile, this exercising space-dude Magnus (or something), battles the Jay Leno guy, while the pink-haired girl dances, exercises, and sings some more.

Add to that a bunch of freaky plastic-looking puppets, and you’ve got a show that not only wins for WORST HAIR STYLES but also for worst concept, acting, singing, and puppet design.

Congrats, Lazy Town, I imagine your reign in awfulness will last for decades.

Well, unless those crafty Brits aren’t satisfied with being second place in awful kids’ shows, and come out with a sequel to Teletubbies or something.

Got any bad-haired kids’ characters that belong on this list? Leave a comment!

Content is copyright 2010 BloggerDad.com. If you are reading this on any site other than www.Bloggerdad.com or your personal RSS reader, then you may be reading it on a site which steals content. And would you trust a site like that?

Rejected Kids’ Books – August 2010

David — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 05:25:19 +0000

Wow, these publishing companies REALLY hate the books I pitch them!

They all SAY that they want unique books for kids, but whenever I pitch them my ideas, I get the strangest cease and desist rejection letters. Anyway, my pain is your gain. Here’s the newest batch of rejected works of genius.

Click on any of the book covers for larger images.

You’re Not Special

There’s a self esteem movement gaining strength the past decade or so which aims to teach all kids that they are unique and special in some way.

But what about the kids who aren’t all that unique or special?

If everyone is special, doesn’t that remove meaning from the word “special?”

The fact is, we’re probably doing more harm than good by lying to kids who are marginal at best, so why not tell them the truth?

That’s where this book comes in.

Grandpa’s In Hell Now

Teaching kids about death can be a traumatic time. There’s lots of books on the market telling kids that their loved ones are in heaven, but what about kids whose loved ones are going South for eternity?

Go To Sleep Or The Monster Will Get You

It’s tough getting kids to go to sleep. They’re all wound up and full of energy or they’re rebellious and use nighttime as their battleground. Nothing works as a motivator quite like fear. And what better fear to use than the inherent fear of monsters? Or better yet, monsters who use sound to find their prey? This lovely little tale will have your kids hiding under their covers as quiet as church mice!

The Machiavellian Guide to Schoolyard Dominance

If you’re not popular, rich, or big and strong, you’re not gonna make it in grade school. However, you have something those other meatheads and mouthbreathers don’t – cunning (if you buy this book, anyway). Now you can master the schoolyard and make others do your bidding while never personally getting your hands dirty. Well, not too dirty, anyway.

Learn such skills as:

How to use people’s desire to be liked against them.
How to seize power while flying under the radar.
How to make your enemies do your bidding.
Finding and exploiting the weaknesses of each of the animals in your school’s kingdom.

101 Fun Things to Do With Knives

Remember when kids used play in this place called “outside?” When they shot bb guns, sling shots, and beat the snot out of each other while playing football? Nowadays, eight-year-olds are more tech savvy than their parents; they have their own little tech kid caves replete with video games, computers, and god knows what else? And you know why? Because parents went so overboard with “safety this and safety that” the past decade, that they’ve taken all the fun toys away.

So what better way to get kids back outside than a book which brings back a fun toy for all ages – knives!

Petey The Panda Has Tourette’s

Tourette Syndrome can be traumatic for both the child who has it and his classmates who wonder why the kid next to them is twitching or yelping out obscenities every other minute. This book aims to introduce kids to what Tourette’s is and remove the stigma attached to it.

Yet, given the publishers’ reaction to this book proposal, they seem to hate kids with Tourette’s.

****

With Respect to Deep Friar, I Would Be a Better Boss Of The World

David — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 03:39:55 +0000

(Wow, a month off and then two posts in two days? I’m on a roll! In case you missed yesterday’s, which technically ran this morning and therefore missed timely publishing on the RSS feeds, it’s here. )

Tonight’s post was inspired by Deep Friar’s recent (and funnier) post, More Things I’d Do If I Were Boss of the World. Friar is a lot like me, in that we both blog, we both draw, and we’re both ticked off a lot, but he’s waaaaaay older. His idea seemed like a great way to cull together some of these random rants that have been building up during the past month.

So, with respect to Friar, I am going to imagine the rules I’d put in place if I were Boss Of The World. And when I say imagine, I mean, enforce rules I’ve already formulated on my walls in tiny obsessively scrawled missives.

If I Were Boss Of The World…

People would have to maintain a one-seat-radius in the movie theater until such time that sales exceed the number of vacant seats necessary to do this.
You would be allowed to legally taze anyone who comes to a dead stop in front of you to check their receipts, phones for messages, or for any other reason short of needing to put out a fire on their body.
Pundits on FOX News and MSNBC would be forced to square off in a facts-only steel cage death match style debate. Sure, it wouldn’t get the ratings that actual REAL wrestling gets, but it would be a lot more fun to watch! And besides, who among us can’t imagine Glenn Beck dressed like Ric Flair? In fact,now that I think about it, Beck looks a lot like Bobby “The Brain” Heenan. Hmmm.
Pepsi and Coca-Cola would be forced to have caffeine-free versions of their Diet Cherry lines of soda.
Boxes of McDonald’s fries would have to be crammed full of fries JUST LIKE THEY ARE ON THE MENU BOARD and in the ads! Workers who try to pass off half-full boxes would be tazed.
All people responsible for The Fresh Beat Band will be deported to a terrorist detention camp where they will be water-boarded for each hour of misery they’ve inflicted on parents forced to endure their special brand of hell on TV. And they’ll be tazed.

Cake (or cupcake) delivery restaurants would be as prolific as pizza delivery joints so we can order a whole cake or just a slice whenever the mood strikes (which for me, is often).
Anyone driving with music loud enough that it shakes walls within a half mile radius will be tazed. Twice. Then they will be forced to listen to chamber music at the same volume. If they happen to like chamber music, they’ll have to listen to the Fresh Beat Band.
All children’s DVD’s would automatically start the minute you put them in the DVD player. And the movie or shows would repeat until such time that you hit eject. If you buy a DVD, you should not be forced to cycle through ads while your kid is having a nuclear meltdown.
Every toy that makes noise would HAVE to have a volume control. Or a button to push to permanently disable its speakers in dramatic explosioney fashion.
TV’s would be made with a filter which would block out any commercial which shows animals suffering as a Sarah McLachlan song plays in the background.
I’d make stealing blog post ideas a crime, punishable by tazing. Wait, er…

ZAP. ARGHHH!

So My Son Drops the F Bomb in Church and I’m the Bad Guy?

David — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 03:51:42 +0000

E in church, getting his prayer on.

One of the most popular posts here at Blogger Dad was Farewell to the F Word. This tells me that I’m not alone in my failed attempts to keep the language G-Rated around my son. I try. Boy, do I try.

But it’s hard to reverse years DECADES of being so well versed in curse.

I’m happy to say I have curbed my use of the F Word almost completely around my son. In fact, I don’t think I’ve slipped even once, other than the time we got cut off by someone more than a year ago.

But my three year old son, E, has a great memory. And he doesn’t forget a word as Awesome as the F Word. Oh, no. Not my son.

Which is why my wife is mad at me tonight. While they were at church service today, in the middle of a sermon, my son just blurted out the F Word for absolutely no reason whatsoever!

She said nobody looked at them, but there’s no way that nobody heard them. Come on, someone should’ve at least laughed. Right?

My wife, who is all proper and generally opposed to my vulgarities, is now mortified and probably sees this as a permanent black mark against her as a Horrible Mom or something.

And she maintains that it’s my fault he said the F Word.

“Why? Because I said it once in the car in front of him, it’s my fault?”

“No,” she said, “he heard you when you’re in the kitchen.”

Well, that’s the kitchen! Who hasn’t dropped the F Bomb in the kitchen? In all fairness, I’ve not said the F Word in the kitchen (above a whisper when I can’t find the damned forks – where do all the forks go in this house?!) However, I slipped the other night, when I was opening an “easy open” cat food can and the lid sliced right through my finger. I screamed, “Mother!” but no F Word followed. I’d say that’s some incredible restraint on my behalf.

But nope, I’m in the doghouse. And my wife will probably be excommunicated from the church.

To me, it’s not that big of a deal. It’s not like he says bad words often. He’s a genuinely sweet kid who is well behaved and kind, considerate, and all the things you’d want for in a son. So, he said a bad word. In church. That doesn’t make him the Antichrist.

Now, having said all that, I have to tell you a REALLY FUNNY story about the F Word.

This isn’t the first time this week my son said the F Word.

He was playing with his Pixar Cars the other night, making them crash into one another and recreating scenes from the movie, which he’s seen like a billion zillion times. All of a sudden, he, in the voice of Lightning McQueen, blurts out the F Word!

My wife, who was sitting next to me on the couch, turned to me immediately like we’d been home all day cursing up a storm out of her direct supervision!

No, I explained, surely he didn’t say that. It’s been a long time since he’s said it.

Then he said it again. As clear as daylight.

“What did you say?” my wife asked him.

“F*&k,” E said, with no trace of guilt, shame, or knowing he’d said a Bad Word.

“Why did you say that?” she asked.

**“Cars say F*&k when they crash.”**

And I could not contain my laughter.

My wife gave me that look … you know the one.

“What?” I whispered to her later, “he’s RIGHT. Cars DO say the F Word when they crash!”

She didn’t appreciate the humor of it. Nobody ever appreciates comedy greatness in its time.

Someday, though, maybe she will. Who am I kidding?

I am so F Word-ed.

So, what’s the worst thing your kid has ever said in front of other people?

Ask Blogger Dad: Cursing Hubby

David — Thu, 20 May 2010 04:56:10 +0000

It’s ~~Wednesday~~ Thursday, so it must be time to open up the Ask Blogger Dad mail bag, the place where the desperate go for honest-ish answers from a certified know-it-all.

Feel free to email me at IDrawComics (at) gmail.com or leave a comment here and I’ll respond. If you are really ashamed of yourself — and you probably should be for emailing a make believe advice columnist — you can ask me to withhold your name and I will do so.

Disclaimer: If you actually take my advice, you should probably seek professional help from someone more qualified.

Dear Blogger Dad,

Why does my husband curse at the TV while watching sports?

-Anonymous Mom

Dear Anonymous Mom,

Hmm, you’re not writing from the next room, are you?

Men have been cursing at TV’s for years – at least as long as live sports have aired. While it might seem like another example of typical boorish male behavior, it’s actually quite the opposite.

You see, sports teams NEED men to yell at the TV when players do something stupid, when coaches make horrible decisions, and especially when referees make bad calls because their heads are lodged firmly in their asses. The cumulative psychic energy of millions of men yelling simultaneously at their TV’s has been scientifically proven to actually change the momentum of a game (according to a report I once read on the internet).

And while your husband could, I suppose, use less vulgar words, we all know that vulgarities carry a far more powerful force. Which of the below do you feel is more powerful?

Golly Gee, Ref, I do believe that you made a mistake.
What the F*&#, REF? Are you f*#^%ing blind?! How can you miss such an obvious mother#$*ing call, you f*&#ing f%#@*head!

So, try not to be so hard on your husband. In this dog-eat-dog world of people only concerned with themselves, your husband’s devotion should be commended and encouraged.

Blogger Dad

Dear Blogger Dad,

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? And how can I emulate said beardlessness? Since you know, shaving is such a chore.

Marc

Dear Marc,

Why would you want to be beardless? Beards are awesome and a sure sign of your manliness!

REAL MEN don’t worry about societal norms such as being clean shaven. Leave that to male models and other girly guys. Embrace your manly nature and grow as big a beard as you can handle!

As for Tarzan’s lack of stubble, I’m not sure how to tell you this, but he wasn’t real. He was, in fact, played by a Hollywood actor. And as we know, most actors skew a bit girly on the man-0-meter (as demonstrated below).

Dear Blogger Dad,

Hi, I sent you an email earlier and I thought I would reiterate that the sporting event my husband was cursing at on the TV was recorded and not live. He was yelling at an event at which the outcome was already decided!

Anonymous Mom

Dear Anonymous Mom,

While it might seem that yelling at events which have already happened wouldn’t do any good, you have to consider that time and space are not firmly fixed points. In fact, the louder and more expletive-laden your man’s curses are, the more likely they are to transcend the time-space barrier and actually travel back in time to affect the outcome of said events.

Blogger Dad

Coming Out

David — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 06:41:23 +0000

Some of you may have noticed the dwindling blog posts during the last few weeks.

While I said I’m busy, that’s only partially true. I’ve also been wrestling with a difficult decision to come clean with you, the reader.

While you have gotten to know me (and my writing partner Sean Platt of Writer Dad) as fathers and writers over the past year and a half, we haven’t been exactly honest.

Remember how last year Men With Pens came out and admitted that neither of them were in fact men (and oddly, neither used pens, but rather pencils)?

That was nothing.

This confession is far more shocking.

And a bit more painful because someone has basically forced us to come out and admit whom we really are. It’s a long story and not worth going into other than to say, we are setting the matter straight on our terms, not anybody else’s.

While it will come as a shocker, some of you have stumbled on the truth, even if you didn‘t know it. Deep Friar and others on Twitter have joked that Sean and I are actually the same person.

Well, congratulations. You were right.

Sean Platt and David Wright are, in fact, one person.

And neither of us is really a father.

Actually, we’re a mother.

Go ahead – soak it in.

Our, or rather, my real name is Jessica McCormack. I am a mother of not one, but three children. Yes, Writer Dad and Blogger Dad are actually Writer Mom and Blogger Mom.

You knew we were just a bit too sensitive to be men, right?

But that’s not all.

Here’s the part which will come as a surprise to the person who has threatened to out “us.”

My name isn’t REALLY Jessica.

In fact, I’m not even an American.

I’m an alien.

No, not a filthy Canadian like Friar, but rather a REAL alien. As in from outer space.

My real name is Yutvifhtxzz (or as close as your language can pronounce it) and I come from another planet just outside your solar system. The planet is called xj87d, and exists in the solar system you have named Epsilon Eridani, which is roughly 10.5 light years from your sun.

I came here to live among you humans in hopes of understanding you.

In the past 2 years, I’ve tried to figure out why:

People stop in doorways as they exit stores to look at their receipts in total disregard for the people behind them?
Every comment section on every website with either news or videos devolves into either a racist or a disturbing conversation?
Why MTV is called Music Television?
Why humans will return to the fridge and open the door over and over when they are hungry, as if they expect new food to appear magically?
Why every mattress dealership this side of Alpha Centauri always has large signs advertising a giant price reduction?

I didn’t say I was here for anything important, and I’m still no closer to understanding people than I was two years ago.

Now that the secret’s out, I suppose you’ll go off and read some human’s blog. Thanks for getting to know us, er, I mean me.

It’s been fun.

One last thing. Since we’re in the spirit of confession, I figured you should see a photograph of the real me, not the Hollywood actors and drawings I’ve employed for the past two years.

I must warn you, though.

My species is repugnant to look at.

Hideous monsters that will frighten all but the most jaded observer.

If you have children, you should probably have them leave the room.

No, really. Shield them from the ugliness that is our species!

We’re

VERY

UGLY!

You have been warned.

Me in my spacecraft.