Want to help? Well, when you’re done crying check out this post.

The only gift my wife wants!

So what are you getting your wife for Christmas this year?

Maybe you’re not sure what she likes?

Or maybe finances are tight and you can’t afford something expensive?

Or maybe you’re just a bad gift picker-outer?

No matter the situation, hope is not lost. I’ve got some great ideas to help you find the perfect gift for your wife from both you and your child this year!

But first, some things should NEVER get your wife for Christmas!

1. A Vacuum – Even if your wife is a domestic goddess, Christmas is not the time to give her utilitarian gifts. I don’t care how awesome the vacuum is. If she wants a vacuum, by all means get it for her. But you better have an awesome second gift in the waiting. Otherwise, you will NEVER live it down. Years from now, she’ll be telling people of the Year She Got The Vacuum.

read the rest of the list here at my guest post at Man of The House…

If your wife is a gamer, or your looking to figure out what games to get this Christmas, check out my guest post of the Top Video Games of 2010 also at Man of The House.

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It’s summer time, so that means the ant invasion is starting. So we called out an exterminator. My wife explained to E that a “bug guy” was coming and E asked, “He’s a bug?” while making a funny face, obviously imagining a big bug coming to our house and seemed a bit disappointed to have missed such a sight.

Today, when E got home from daycare, he was further convinced that a “bug guy” came to get rid of the ants.

E is at an age where he is both absolutely fascinated by insects, so much so that he often wants to go into the yard to get a closeup look at them. However, some bugs make him shiver in fright, or sometimes, absolutely lose his mind and burst into tears – just like his mom.

Speaking of my wife, thanks to everybody who helped prove how OVERWHELMINGLY right I was in the Battle Over PBJ post last week!

There were lots of fun comments in the thread – who knew people were so passionate about sandwiches? So check them out if you only read my post and missed what other bloggers and readers had to say. BloggerMom also updated with a response to my post.

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Sorry for any inconvenience this has caused – well, any more than my usual lack of posting causes.

Thank you for reading,

David

I’m wearing a full body biological suit while typing this, as I may have swine flu and I don’t want you to get it, too.

My son was diagnosed with the swine flu on Sunday and while he is getting better (thankfully) I have a fever and am feeling like crap. I went to the doc today and got tested, though their test is taking a few days since I didn’t want to pay for the express version. However, I am being treated with Tamiflu and some other medicines. I’m hoping my wife doesn’t get it.

So, in short, no real post today. Once I’m feeling better, I have two posts practically writing themselves right now re: the swine flu.

If you’ve got a minute to spare, please check out Sean Platt’s video and help him make his dream come true. If you’re helping him, you’re also helping me since we have so many joint projects which could become a reality even more quickly with this job. So thank you in advance.

Also, don’t forget the big Halloween scary product contest over at Tracy’s site. You want a cheeseburger in a can, don’t you?

My son’s new love is Thomas the Train. Apparently this is a phase which all children are required by law to go through, in accordance with Parental Annoyance legislation passed in the early 1980′s.

I didn’t see the harm the friendly little blue train posed when my two year old, E, started mentioning him in conversation a few months ago. My wife, though, was less than thrilled. It seems that her exposure to children over the years has resulted in a strong dislike for Thomas. Thanks to my wife, our house had remained a Thomas-free zone – until recently…when someone bought my son a Thomas the Train book.

It begins with a book

E was super excited and was already familiar with Thomas from daycare, or perhaps from the government brainwashing program which introduces Thomas to children. So, I was excited for him and was happy enough to indulge in his interests, even if the books are long and rather uninspired looking.

Then comes the DVD

I was at my “favorite” store, Target and saw a Thomas DVD for $5. What a bargain, right? I recalled from some distant memory that George Carlin narrated some of the episodes of Thomas and Friends, and I LOVE Carlin, so how bad can the DVD be? Right?

Apparently, Carlin doesn’t curse even once on these DVDs!

And, to make matters worse, the DVD I bought wasn’t even narrated by Carlin. From the lack of animated facial expressions to the cheesy dialogue, this might be the worst DVD I’ve ever watched. And this is coming from someone who has sat through Elmo in Grouchland more times than he can recall (through extensive therapy). Apparently, every episode revolves around Thomas or another train crashing or getting into some other trouble. For a “useful engine” he sure does screw up a lot. In the real world, he’d be sold for scrap. I could suddenly see why my wife didn’t care for Thomas. And now I was going to pay for not listening to her. E insists on watching Thomas morning, noon and night.

The Invasion Begins…

And then one day, I woke to find that a Thomas the Train toy had made its way into our home. One lone train, a blue wooden Thomas engine that Nana bought E. He carried it around the house proudly wherever he went, including bed, where it sat next to the crib, keeping a watchful eye.

And then the floodgates open!

That was all it took. Two weeks later and my house is full of Thomas AND all his friends, Rusty, James, Percy, Henry, and Whiff (who names a train Whiff?) and some coal cars (which E seems to enjoy). And of course, tracks and tracks and a train house. Between Nana and myself, E has racked up a lot of Thomas loot in a short amount of time. All to my wife’s displeasure, though she seems to have accepted this new phase, or at least isn’t fighting it.

While Thomas doesn’t seem too useful in the books and DVDs, he did prove to be useful in one area, though – potty time.

Actually, it wasn’t Thomas, but rather E’s new favorite train (for this week, anyway), James.

While potty training has been very successful, there are times when E doesn’t want to go to the bathroom. This is usually when he has to go Number Two. So, as a parent, you need to get creative in attempts to get your child to the toilet. Last week, there was a day where E hadn’t gone Number Two in almost 24 hours. When I told him it was potty time, he shook his head no. However, when I suggested that he show his new train, James, how he goes poo, another story altogether. E raced into the bathroom, holding James, saying, “I’m gonna go potty, James.”

He carefully placed James on the sink next to the toilet and then sat on the potty and turned to James, so the train could watch him. He grabbed the sides of his toilet seat and tightened his stomach. Moments later, splash, splash. And then E exclaimed proudly,

“Look James, I made a turd!”

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I am not going to sleep tonight.

My smoke alarms started going off at 9:45 p.m. tonight, just prior to E going to sleep. He gets VERY upset when he hears them, is very scared and breaks down into a crying jag that is almost equal in intensity to the LOUD and incessant alarms.

I raced around trying to figure out WHICH alarm was causing problems since they are all interconnected (awesome idea, by the way, let’s make ALL the alarms go off so you can’t tell which one has a problem) and when one goes off, almost all of them do. And of course, I didn’t get an owner’s manual with the alarms when I bought the house four years ago, so I have no idea how to silence the damned things. There is one button, to test, which only makes the alarm go off again … and even longer. Great idea to NOT have a silence feature, alarm manufacturers!

So I grabbed a chair and opened one alarm, making sure the battery is in there, etc… everything looked okay. Alarm stopped. For two minutes, then went off again. Repeat, same process x4. Finally, I went in my office, and discovered that when I changed batteries in all the alarms several months ago, I somehow missed the one in my office. I installed a new battery, snapped it in and went to bed after E calmed down.

12:20 a.m. ALARMS ARE GOING OFF AGAIN!! - I woke in a panic, racing from room to room, dizzy and tired and stumbling. Couldn’t find the problem, I’m racing against time before they wake E. Either the one in his room is NOT going off and not interconnected with the others or he is sleeping through it. If the former, then its only a matter of time till he hears all the rest, so I was racing. Found nothing wrong, but eventually, they stopped after I messed with the one in the hallway, which is also near an air conditioning intake vent. I went back to bed.

2:00 a.m. THE ALARM CHIRPS! Which usually occurs one more time prior to all the alarms going off. I raced into the hall, opened and closed the battery latch on the alarm next to the air conditioning intake vent. I looked online and saw that some alarms can go off from dust. While there’s some dust on the intake vent, it’s been much worse. Hell, I’ve allowed dust bunnies to graze at times, simply because I never to think to look up at the vent. At any rate, I vacuumed it. I opened the battery latch and checked the battery (again) and then closed it. I began to  suspect this is the only way to prevent the alarms from going off, sort of a silence button.

2:20 a.m CHIRP! I raced into the hall, clicked open, and closed the battery chamber.

I feel like the guy in LOST who has to press reset every 108 minutes to prevent doomsday.

Only, I am trying to prevent my son from waking up frightened. And the clock is now resetting at random intervals.

2:40 a.m. climbed back into bed, hoping to get some sleep before dawn.

2:45 a.m. CHIRP! WTF?! I raced back into the hall, opened the latch, closed it. Waited. Nothing. I begin to suspect that my wife has secretly enrolled me on some hidden camera reality show in which the audience waits to see how long before I lose my mind. (Spoiler alert: Pretty damned quickly.)

3:05 a.m. climbed back into bed. My heart is pounding, I’m anxious as hell, my eyes are heavy. I’m waiting for the chirp to rob me of my sleep once again. I didn’t have to wait long this time.

3:07 a.m. CHIRP!

3:08 a.m. – Said “F it!” Looks like I’m going to stay up all night and play guardian of the smoke alarm. I will likely have to call someone, like an electrician, to come out here tomorrow and take all my money to help end this madness.

3:31 a.m. - nothing yet. knock on wood.

3:42 a.m. - CHIRP! Repeat process. Is that a tear in my eye?

So, if anyone has any advice, I would greatly appreciate it. The alarm is a BRK smoke alarm, four years old, though I can’t see the model number at the moment. I would try and take it apart again, but I don’t want to risk the alarm blasting. I’ll have to wait until my son wakes up and goes to daycare.

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Schwartzberg recently wrote the book The 40-Year-Old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad, which contains a series of essays he wrote on the topics of divorce and fatherhood and how divorce made him a better dad. The book also includes a controversial Newsweek article he’d written earlier this year, in which he said he suffered from male postpartum depression after the birth of his son several years ago. To be certain this is a topic you don’t hear much about, or maybe never heard of. His honest recollection of panic and crying on the floor with his son earned him derision among some. At both Newsweek and the conservative site, Townhall.com, many readers had harsh words for Schwartzberg.

Really harsh words – questioning everything from his sexuality to his fitness as a father. He was also propped up as a poster child for what’s wrong with liberal men.

With so many people on the web quick to eviscerate a stranger in such a vicious manner, it makes you wonder why anybody would share their deepest thoughts and fears with the public. Perhaps there’s some wisdom in keeping some things personal.

Where do you draw the line between public and private?

In some cases, if not most, bloggers blog for attention (myself included). However, sometimes they blog for other reasons – from making people aware of issues (as was Schwartzberg’s case, though his medium was in a news magazine, not a blog, but you get the idea) and other times, people are simply looking to connect with others going through similar situations.

But with so many angry people looking to inflict their misery unto others, it makes you wonder – why bother?

Maybe we’re better off playing it safe, not writing anything that makes us look weak, shows us in a bad light or invites criticism.

While I have written several extremely honest and revealing things in both this blog and in a newspaper column I had, there is a line I draw. I don’t write anything that makes people in my life look bad and I don’t thrust anybody into the public spotlight that didn’t ask to be there. And I try not to write anything which might prevent me from future employment (bad news if I look for a job at Target, eh?)

But perhaps I should censor myself further? Maybe I should read my blog through the lens of someone who is my exact polar opposite and try to avoid saying anything which will invite scorn, ridicule or hate?

Hell, maybe this post is too introspective and just another horrifying example of what’s wrong with liberal men?!

Maybe I should censor myself a bit more. But I won’t.

Truth is, people will always find a reason to hate that which they fear, don’t understand, or secretly loathe within themselves.

True, people can’t hurl stones at you if you don’t put yourself out there. But living your life in fear of their stones only gives them more power over your life.

So, how open are you in your blog? What sorts of things do you feel people should keep personal?

(Notes: For a somewhat related story about someone dealing with haters, check out Writer Dad’s most recent post about his wife’s PTA problems. And the Thomas the Train post I keep teasing will appear on Wed.)

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Women CANNOT make a proper shopping list.

There is a fine art to making the perfect shopping list. Ideally, it should have items categorized in the precise order in which you will find them in the store. Makes sense, right? Yeah, I know you get your cold stuff last, so those items can go at the end of the list, but you get the idea.

I am proud to say, probably a bit too proud really, that I can create the perfect shopping list for any occasion. My lists are broken down by aisle and quantity of items needed. I even go so far as to write codes next to sale items, for stuff I have a coupon, is hard to find, or which I may want to stock up on. Sometimes I even like to categorize by color of packaging and font used on the label. In short, I write a damned fine shopping list.

My wife, on the other hand, writes something best described as a crime against shopping lists and a felony against the principals of organization in general. It seems almost as if she purposely arranges to give me a week’s worth of my required cardio every time I need to go to the store. This might explain why my most women I know shop in such a haphazard fashion, while men go directly to the aisles where the stuff they need is and then get the hell out of the store.

Let’s say, for the purposes of demonstration, that all items in the store were sold by alphabetical order. You’d have your eggs with your éclairs, etc…

Well, my wife’s list would read as follows:

• Apples
• Cookies
• Toilet paper
• Ziploc Bags
• Apricots
• Paper towels

You get the idea?

My wife’s shopping list more closely resembles a treasure map, than anything you’d bring to the store with you.

This weekend, she handed me a list where nothing was grouped as it should be. No, the list doesn’t have to be perfect (like mine) but stuff should be listed somewhat close to the order in which it appears in the store – the same store we’ve gone to for more than two years!

When I got home, I mentioned my problems with the list, to which she replied, her list is fine, the problem lies with me and my inability to read her list. According to my wife, I should be able to scan the list while shopping and remember what I bought and what I didn’t and have absolutely no trouble navigating the store in any order I choose.

Hell, I should be able to do it with a blindfold and two rabid wolverines fighting for the meat on my left ankle!

I know what some of you are thinking, But Dave, didn’t you say in your other post that men are such good shoppers that they don’t even need a stinkin’ list?

Yes, I did say that. However, that is when we are shopping for things we need. I can’t possibly guess what items my wife will want, though. And she can be quite particular about her food choices. You bring home the wrong scent/flavor/brand of an item and she will let you know about it.

So, there I was, having already bought all the “A” items I could find on the list and was making my way down the “N” aisle, when all of a sudden, I see aluminum foil hidden between Napkins and Q-Tips! I actually said aloud…

“Aluminum F’ing foil?! Come on!”

…as I spun my cart around and headed back to the A’s in an angry huff. Now I know how all those wheels on shopping carts get out of whack – angry husbands shopping from horribly made lists.

I’m pretty sure that if store employees watch their closed circuit security monitors, they grab a bag of popcorn and race to the employee lounge where a screening is being planned the minute I enter the store.

“Hey, it’s that crazy guy that curses out product names and wanders from aisle to aisle like some sort of demented madman.”

And another employee would say, “Oh, that’s just Dave, he’s married.”

Since the shopping trip, I’ve given the list a lot of thought.

I’ve finally figured it out. My wife is far more organized than I am and it’s difficult for me to believe she isn’t doing this on purpose. By drawing maps of bewildering ambiguity instead of easy-to-follow lists, she is either trying to keep me out of the house for extended periods of time or trying to make sure I don’t ask her to ever make a list again.

Hmmm… They always say it’s the nice ones you have to look out for. I think my wife may in fact be an evil genius.

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I will return tomorrow with some thoughts on turning one and include some lists of my favorite, most controversial and least favorite posts. I’ll also have some information about what’s ahead for the site and for me during Year Two. I’m also working on some other fun looks back for the rest of the week.

Before tomorrow’s update, I want to tie up some loose ends.

First, thank you all for the birthday wishes last week. I appreciate the nice words, though not a single one of you sent me an envelope full of cash or a PlayStation 3! And I thought you were my friends…

I apologize for dropping off the face of the Earth for most of last week, but I was working hard to get Collective Inkwell 2.0 up (this Thursday). I’ve also been working on Ghostwriter Dad with Sean Platt and a new site for our horror thriller Available Darkness (in addition to working with a photographer on a book cover).

Yes, I am fully aware that it was only a few short weeks ago that I said I’d start posting five days a week. If anything, my posts have been even less frequent since then. Reason: Well, see the paragraph above.

For those that missed the news, E is now potty trained! Yay!

I did a four-part guest post series over at Potty Training Power. While many of you might have no interest in potty training, you may enjoy:

• tales of my wife and I battling over a potty seat. Yes, you read that correctly.
• my endless search for the right potty seat and how the Return Lady at Target gave me a weird look when I kept coming back.
• my wife’s and my own mutual nervous breakdowns.
• how it was nearly our last week as a married couple.

Yeah, potty training is waaaay more frustrating than I thought it would be. Fortunately, we received our potty training help from Sean and Cindy Platt with the Potty Training Power course and within a few days, E was as good as gold and all was right in the world – well, except for the whole crumbling economy, the health care fiasco, and perhaps worst of all, being hit with incessant Jon and Kate updates – but otherwise, things were right in the world.

So, how have you been?

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