Some of you may have noticed the dwindling blog posts during the last few weeks.
While I said I’m busy, that’s only partially true. I’ve also been wrestling with a difficult decision to come clean with you, the reader.
While you have gotten to know me (and my writing partner Sean Platt of Writer Dad) as fathers and writers over the past year and a half, we haven’t been exactly honest.
Remember how last year Men With Pens came out and admitted that neither of them were in fact men (and oddly, neither used pens, but rather pencils)?
That was nothing.
This confession is far more shocking.
And a bit more painful because someone has basically forced us to come out and admit whom we really are. It’s a long story and not worth going into other than to say, we are setting the matter straight on our terms, not anybody else’s.
While it will come as a shocker, some of you have stumbled on the truth, even if you didn‘t know it. Deep Friar and others on Twitter have joked that Sean and I are actually the same person.
Well, congratulations. You were right.
Sean Platt and David Wright are, in fact, one person.
And neither of us is really a father.
Actually, we’re a mother.
Go ahead – soak it in.
Our, or rather, my real name is Jessica McCormack. I am a mother of not one, but three children. Yes, Writer Dad and Blogger Dad are actually Writer Mom and Blogger Mom.
You knew we were just a bit too sensitive to be men, right?
But that’s not all.
Here’s the part which will come as a surprise to the person who has threatened to out “us.”
My name isn’t REALLY Jessica.
In fact, I’m not even an American.
I’m an alien.
No, not a filthy Canadian like Friar, but rather a REAL alien. As in from outer space.
My real name is Yutvifhtxzz (or as close as your language can pronounce it) and I come from another planet just outside your solar system. The planet is called xj87d, and exists in the solar system you have named Epsilon Eridani, which is roughly 10.5 light years from your sun.
I came here to live among you humans in hopes of understanding you.
In the past 2 years, I’ve tried to figure out why:
- People stop in doorways as they exit stores to look at their receipts in total disregard for the people behind them?
- Every comment section on every website with either news or videos devolves into either a racist or a disturbing conversation?
- Why MTV is called Music Television?
- Why humans will return to the fridge and open the door over and over when they are hungry, as if they expect new food to appear magically?
- Why every mattress dealership this side of Alpha Centauri always has large signs advertising a giant price reduction?
I didn’t say I was here for anything important, and I’m still no closer to understanding people than I was two years ago.
Now that the secret’s out, I suppose you’ll go off and read some human’s blog. Thanks for getting to know us, er, I mean me.
It’s been fun.
One last thing. Since we’re in the spirit of confession, I figured you should see a photograph of the real me, not the Hollywood actors and drawings I’ve employed for the past two years.
I must warn you, though.
My species is repugnant to look at.
Hideous monsters that will frighten all but the most jaded observer.
If you have children, you should probably have them leave the room.
No, really. Shield them from the ugliness that is our species!
We’re
VERY
VERY
VERY
VERY
UGLY!
You have been warned.
Me in my spacecraft.
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Dude!
I totally knew it.
.-= MommaSunshine´s last blog ..We Are ALL Beautiful =-.
What gave it away? My incessant hating on chihuahuas?
Yeah, well, the joke’s on you. I’m not really a woman. Or a mother.
I’m a professional assassin working for the Montreal mafia. I spend my days jet setting around the world killing people on request for millions of dollars a hit.
You see, this is all part of my cover. Brian Clark? Yeah, that’s me too. Naomi Dunford? Check. In fact, every single person on the web is me, because I’m rich enough to pay VAs to go around and fill up my empire of blogs so that none of you ever knew that this was all a facade.
And truthfully? This isn’t even me. This is a Tahitian naked pole dancer using a throwaway iPhone that James (who isn’t really James) paid to leave this comment.
Which reminds me I have a gig in five minutes at the cabaret. Gotta run.
.-= James Chartrand – Men with Pens´s last blog ..How to Write Sales Copy When the Standards Don’t Apply =-.
Wow, my first response from a naked pole dancer and her name is James. Figures.
That explains a lot!
Happy Fools day!
.-= Danielle´s last blog .. =-.
Now I can come out of my shell and write about the things that really matter. Like bigger dogs and electric fences that shock you when you pee on them.
That was adorable and I loved it! You are one hot chico!
.-= Jenny´s last blog ..Look! This Is My Son’s Satanic Cat =-.
This April 1st business is getting out of hand. Are you a woman or a chihuahua or a little dog that lives on strawberries? I’m so confuzzled…so I read your post about being a woman or an alien and then my wife, and the mother of our twin daughters comes into the room and announces that the little plastic strip turned blue again. Too much for me for one day. My goodness.
.-= Stacey Robinsmith´s last blog ..Travelling with a Toddler =-.
Sensitive, creative, and humourous too, despite your hate for Canadians
… well done.
No one from any planet will ever figure out those and many other questions. We humans are a strange bunch. That picture is hilarious.
.-= Otter´s last blog ..The Seven Dwarfs Open a Bar =-.
My samealienpersondar was telling me that all along. It is well honed.
Funny stuff man.
.-= Seattledad (Luke, I am Your Father)´s last blog ..Unprepared for the Big One =-.
I’m confused, but also in awe.
.-= Ben´s last blog ..Week Thirteen: What do you mean, you don’t know why? =-.
Wow, I almost fell for that one until I saw your picture. You liar, you are not very, very, very, very, ugly. It’s more like, very, very, very, very cute…
Good one!
.-= Mely Wilcox´s last blog ..Smoking Bad. Cowboys Cool. =-.
Wow, I think I love you. I am in complete awe, despite the fact that I am so far behind on your posts (which I apologize profusely for) and the last comment was from more than 10 days ago.
I should really learn to look at the dates of these posts before reading them. If I had seen the date April 1, then maybe I wouldn’t have actually believed you.
You and him being the same person, I accepted it easily with mild shock. You being a woman, it wasn’t too out there for me to swallow. It took for you to start mentioning plant xj87d for me to think to myself, “Oh my god, he’s/she’s kidding.”
Now I am thinking that I am the most gullible person in this hemisphere and that the only reason that I did not believe you is because the planet xj87d is in the Bode’s Galaxy, which in no where near the Epsilon Eridani solar system.
.-= Monique´s last blog ..L is for Love =-.