I was recently talking to an extended family member who told me that they hadn’t gone to the beach in many years. They love the beach, love the water and live 10 minutes away, yet they never go.
Why? Fear.
I suspect the fear is that people will notice that this person is overweight.
It’s a fear I know all too well.
I would say far too many choices in my life were based on fear of what might happen rather than actual events. I spent most of my high school years hiding my fat underneath a denim jacket. Problem is, wearing a big bulky jacket in 98 degree weather is second only to wearing a large red and yellow circus tent in ways to draw even MORE attention to yourself.
My fears were “what will other people think?” they will laugh and point and never let me join their Reindeer games, etc…
Only now that I am an adult, too damned close to 40 for my own comfort, do I realize how damned stupid fear is.
While most people I know have wild tales of their youth, really living it up at a time when you’re supposed to take risks and live your life to the fullest, I have only a list of things I wished I had the courage to do. A life I wished I lived.
That is not to say there aren’t cautions you should take. There are all sorts of mistakes which can forever alter your life if you’re not careful. However, my fears went beyond the norm.
I spent countless hours obsessing on what people thought of me and not wanting to do anything to embarrass myself. In short, I took no chances early in life, afraid of the results. I didn’t make friends with many because I felt I was too fat, too geeky, too whatever. I didn’t approach girls because I knew there was no way they’d want to date a fat guy.
While I avoided humiliation, I also avoided living.
It wasn’t until my late 20’s that I learned to let go. I learned not to care what others think so much. No, I’m not perfect, but I can’t wait for the day I will be, to start living.
There will always be some imperfection to hold you back if you allow it.
It was only when I let go that I realized most of my fears were without foundation and I began to enjoy life.
Back to that person not wanting to go to the beach.
What is the worst that can happen? Some teens might point and laugh? I doubt it. Most teens are too self involved or checking each other out to even register the existence of most adults. And even if they do, so what? Do the words of someone you don’t even know mean more to you than doing something you love?
The worst case scenario of most fears is rarely worse than the reality of not living your life to the fullest.
We only have so many hours on this world. Don’t let fear dictate how you spend them. To do anything else is simply to die.
What keeps you from living your life?
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I couldn’t agree more. One of my favorite quotes is FDR’s, “…let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself — nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes…” A companion quote that I also adore is Winston Churchill’s (Why were the dudes back then so badass?), “When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.” There are a million ways to murder our ambitions, but fear to never even light their fuse might be the most cruel.
Writer Dad´s last blog ..These Are Our Balloons
In the immortal words of Daffy Duck, “I hate fear, it scares me!”
Fear used to run my life too but not so much any more. I allow myself to feel the fear and do it anyway, then my self-esteem soars.
Someone told me once that only 3% of the things that we worry about ever happen and they are very rarely as bad as we think they will be.
Remembering that helps me deal with my worries and fears and get on with my life.
Great post.
Dancinfairy´s last blog ..A little bit of Sunday nostalgia
A post about self limiting beliefs and fears?! Asking folk questions like “What is the worst that can happen?” Careful, Dave…Friar may boycott you for writing posts like this.
A favourite quote you’ve reminded me of is by Anais Nin:
janice´s last blog ..Holidaying at Home: The East Neuk of Fife
Nothing holds me back from living my life. Not even this wheelchair.
Case in point: I recently accompanied my brother on his stag weekend in Amsterdam. The place has got to be the most wheelchair-unfriendly city in the modern world. Cobbled streets, steps everywhere and most toilets situated upstairs. None of them for the disabled.
To the Dutch, wheelchair friendly means sharing their spliff with a guy in a wheelchair. (Don’t get me wrong. The Dutch are among the friendliest, welcoming people the world over. Nigh on zero crime rate in Amsterdam.)
Yet I thoroughly enjoyed myself. And no, it wasn’t because of the cakes
No, nothing stops me. I even have a black belt in Aikido.
Beaches and wheels getting stuck in the sand doesn’t put me off either.
Where there’s a will…
This may not be blog etiquette, but I just wanted to tell you how much you inspire me.
Good post today, Dave. Sadly, I wouldnt step into a bathing suit at my weight and go swimming. Not only would I be thinking how grotesque I look but I know others will too. They may not verablize it to me but they are confirming my own thoughts about my body. People are critical and mean. Kids are too. Years ago, at a much lower weight than I am now, I had a 7y old boy tell me that I was fat. At one point too you told me that only someone with low self esteem would want someone who was heavy. Maybe you said that years ago when you were down on yourself, but it stuck with me. But yes, for so long I let life pass me by because I thought I was too fat to do this or that or have this or that. I still think I am too fat for a man to be interested in me hence why I am still single. Working on getting over those negative thoughts about my weight AND losing weight. As far as action, I have pushed through alot of that fear and done things anyway.
Besides being untrue, this is a poisonous thing to think and to say to someone. People with low self-esteem do no marry overweight people. The very assertion of such is a reflection of the fact that a fat person does not value himself and therefore projects that feeling on to others. They’ve completely bought into the idea that your weight reflects your value in society. It doesn’t, but only as long as people reject that notion. I encourage you to reject it.
People who need to marry an attractive person have greater esteem issues than a person who’d opt for an overweight mate. They worry more about what others think and how their mate’s appearance reflects on them. Someone who is thin and will marry an overweight person has far greater ego integrity than someone who insists on a beautiful partner because that person doesn’t care what others think as much as they care about the person they are choosing to spend the rest of their lives with.
Orchid64´s last blog ..Will Miss #13 – Akihabara’s mega-stores
Great post. My four year old has intense fear, not of embarrassment, but of….. things I guess. Like she is terribly afraid of the water. I’m giving her swimming lessons, private one through a friend, so that we can work on her fear gradually and help her overcome it. I’m hoping if I keep working with her that we can tackle these things now and later she won’t have to worry about being afraid… of anything.
Jennifer´s last blog ..Dinner, a Movie and a Bangin’ Babysitter(s)
Funny you should write about this topic NOW…
For 31 of my 37 years, I have lived with, in, and surrounded by fear. It wears a soul down.
Recently, I decided I was done with that. I think 31 years is long enough, don’t you? I still fear judgement and censure, but you know what? I can live with that, as long as I’m LIVING.
I went to the beach two weeks ago. I wore a bathing suit. In public. Where people could SEE ME! The water was lovely, no one went blind, I didn’t hear any snide comments, my fifty-acre ass didn’t displace too much water, and I survived with my ego largely intact. Whew.
Hey, Lisa? I feel you, ma’am…I do. I’ve been there (heck, I’m STILL there), mentally apologizing to the other patrons at the pool where I swim laps because they have to see my huge arse, nasty fat thighs, and the mud flaps I used to call upper arms, and no one should be subjected to that. Ain’t negative thinking grand??
Wait…breathe…ultimately, you have this life to live, and no one else has the right to tell you where, how, or when you take joy from it. You want to swim? Who cares what others think? Go play in the waves, darlin’!
Whew…provocative post, Blogger Dad…maybe I’ll borrow the topic for fodder…cheers!
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
Kyddryn´s last blog ..Lantern in the Garden
Brilliant. Just brilliant. I hope your readers will take this to heart, because you are absolutely correct. Well done.
Chris@Maugeritaville´s last blog ..Why Couldn’t He Just Be a Drug Addict Like the Other Kids
@Kyddryn — Thank you for the laugh and understanding.
I just dont know. I often wonder about why I ‘just dont do it’, and here I am still wondering. I know I am afraid of pain, of failure, had enough of both. I do know that I am tired of missing out on certain things… so, reading thoughts such as yours, with associated responses is assisting me in getting just pissed enough at myself to move on. I am a happy positive person, but there are times I think I hide behind that… how much happier could I be may be my best question.
Writer Dad – Great quotes, I should have consulted with you for a lead quote as I never remember any.
Loran – Good for you, that is awesome.
Dancinfairy – Thank you. Three percent seems so damned small, doesn’t it, yet at other times, so large.
janice – Yeah, I slipped a bit outside my normal writing for this one. I was going to write an intro warning readers but then decided against it. This falls into the heart category of my “a little humor, a lot of heart” tagline which I should probably change to “a little heart and a lot of humor.” That is also a great quote.
Marc – That is awesome. Though, I think I’d have a hard time not being able to use the bathroom. That alone would keep me from leaving the house for weeks. Heck, I don’t even like to go to stores where I know the bathroom is dirty, but that’s more an OCD thing, I guess. You truly have the spirit of living as it should be done. Bravo!
Lisa – I don’t recall saying that comment about low self esteem. Why would you listen to ME?! I am sure I was saying it more about myself and my lack of ability to find anyone I connected with (at the time). As for interest in you, I think you have the perfect qualities which would attract any guy. I guess the hardest part is finding where decent guys are. There must be some mythological place where guys like that exist? Maybe you can do a guest post and ask others here?
Jennifer – E was VERY afraid of water when he was first introduced to a pool at around age one. Now, he LOVES it. I’m not sure what changed, but it might have helped that we didn’t push him to it and gave him the opportunity to investigate at his pace. Plus, he saw his cousins in there having fun, which might have helped. Good luck!
Kyddryn – Yes, fear does wear a soul down! Great thoughts, I look forward to your post!
Trina – I hear you. If you’re tired of missing out than you ought to get pissed at your self-imposed limits and do it. Best of luck!
@D – Blogger Dad: Maybe that wasn’t the exact quote you said years ago but something like it. And I listen to you because you are my best friend… who apparently doesn’t answer his phone!
I just called to rag on you.
I enjoyed this post as much as the laugh out loud funny ones, and I love the tagline; we all know you’re a soppy old thing
janice´s last blog ..Holidaying at Home: The East Neuk of Fife
you may have seen my tweets post my response here. I did get pissed today. I have been pondering my sitch for a loooonnnnnnnnng time. It’s time to stop pondering. I do plan to keep this post and its thoughts handy to stay pissed long enough to keep doing something, anything so I can stop modifying my life…. thanks.
Orchid 64 – I missed your comment earlier. As I said in a prior post, I don’t recall saying that exact comment, though in more than 20 years of knowing Lisa, who knows? While the comment could have been a reflection on my own experience of only attracting a certain type of person when I was feeling down on my weight, there is some truth to the statement.
Think about it. Typically, people who do not take care of themselves do not have high self esteem. I am not lumping ALL fat people into this category of not taking care of themselves, though society will do that, anyway. However, a large portion of people who are overweight also have low self esteem and DO NOT feel good about themselves.
In the experience of women I’ve known, and most of my friends are women, the heavier women who have low self esteem seem to attract guys with low self esteem. Now there are two kinds of guys like this. There are those like me, who are just trying to better themselves and weren’t able to pull it all together. Then there’s the OTHER kind. The ones who have severe control issues and look for someone they can easily manipulate or abuse mentally or physically. These men are like predators in their ability to pick out the weakest willed women. I’ve seen it played out hundreds of time.
My advice to anyone, men or women, would be to treat yourself with respect and DEMAND that same level of respect from anyone who dates you.
Trina – Congrats!
janice – Shh, don’t tell Friar.
Who are you and how did you find my site?! Kidding. No, but seriously. Your one post sums up my entire site and the battle I’ve faced my entire life. Fear is the biggest mind trick and grandest hurdle to overcome. I am with you, my friend.
I pride myself in having an adventurous spirit, but at the same time, I’ll admit that I do sometimes let silly little fears limit me. I’m a big guy and your beach example is especially familiar. I tend to shy away from situations where’d I’d have to shed my shirt because I’m very self-conscious about my appearance. And I know that this does limit me sometimes. I’m working on it…
Rob O.´s last blog ..From Bytes to Bits – Not Sci Fi Anymore
Great job, as usual. You have an award waiting for you at my place if you’d like to swing by.
Chris@Maugeritaville´s last blog ..The Teacher Files, Volume III: Miss Rankin
This is a great post—I’m glad you strayed from your usual style (which I love, btw) to explore one of my favorite topics.
I often regret the things I didn’t do, particularly during college, because of fear (like spend a semester abroad). It took some unexpected and rather messy life events as an adult to push me beyond that pattern, and I’m so grateful to mostly find myself leaning toward openness and adventure rather than fear these days.
The one area I still struggle with, in terms of letting fear control me, is parenting. My intense love for my daughters sometimes manifests itself in fear. That kind of huge love can be scary, and opens up so many frightening possibilities, doesn’t it? Something to continue working through. Thanks for the insight and further inspiration.
Kristin T. (@kt_writes)´s last blog ..Life lessons from Pitchfork