Sometimes I feel like Larry David spies on me.
For those unfamiliar with David, he is the co-creator of Seinfeld and the creator and star of HBO’s Curb Your Enthusiasm. The humor is painfully funny as it exploits his neuroses and social awkwardness.
The reason both of these shows work so well is that they tap into the stupid things we all do. The more socially awkward the moment, the more painful and funnier it is to watch.
Some of us do dumb things more than others. Some of us, and by us, I mean me, seem to do them on a daily basis.
A few months ago, I thought to compile a list of unexplainable dumb things I do, things that cause me to hang my head in shame or my wife to shake her head. Unfortunately, I lost the list. I can only imagine my mother-in-law came across it while at our house one day and looked at it wondering, “what kind of idiot did my daughter marry?”
Here are the dumb things I recall. More will likely follow in coming weeks or months, or perhaps even years. Maybe I’ll ask my wife and we can release a 24-part series.
Small talk
For some reason, I seem incapable of small talk with strangers.
Ever since my son was born, people come up to us regularly when we are out and say “cute baby” or inquire about his age. Sometimes these people have kids of their own with them, so I will inquire about their kid’s age in reciprocation, but I never think to follow-up to their response.
Example:
Woman: “Aw, cute kid, how old?”
Me: “Two. How old is yours?”
Woman: “27 months” (women never say a toddler’s age in years for some reason)
Me: “Oh.”
Then we each look at each other awkwardly before I say “have a nice day!” (Quickly walk away)
At the movie theater, when the ticket seller tells me to enjoy the movie, my mind has already convinced me that they wished me a good day.
Ticket seller: “Enjoy the movie.”
Me: “You too.” (Cringe, then quickly walk away)
I’m not much better at the grocery store.
Cashier: “Thank you for shopping with us. Have a good evening.”
Me: “Have a good DayNightmrffffffffummmm.”
Yes, my language actually devolves into a mumble as I realize I am not using actual words.
Whenever I wear my Florida Gators shirt, people invariably pass by and say the “Go Gators” thing to me, to which I am SUPPOSED to respond “Go Gators.”
Instead, I invariably laugh (no idea why) or I say “thank you.” Thank you as if I was a member of the championship basketball or football team!
I am thinking of printing a card which I can hand to people which reads: “I’m really not this stupid.”
Dumb things around the house
This is the arena in which I drive my wife nuts.
When I take food out of the fridge which has gone bad, I PUT IT BACK! As if giving it another day or so may revive it! The better or more complete the leftover meal, the more likely I am to hang on to it for weeks. What am I thinking?
It’s not just food, though, I also keep broken items.
My garage is full of things which any sane person would throw out. For instance, we have a half completed bookcase which was missing a part but I failed to contact the manufacturer to have them send it.
I keep pens that have long ago run dry.
I sometimes put burnt out light bulks in the box with new ones. I don’t know why, other than it seems like a handy place to put the bulb. I mean, it fits so perfectly in the space.
The more expensive the item, the harder it is to throw out. Recently, my wife dropped her camera at the beach. I can’t get over the fact that it was expensive (just expensive enough to ding the wallet but not expensive enough that it would be cheaper to repair) so I CANNOT justify throwing it in the trash. I just know if I DO throw it out, I’ll meet someone next week who can fix waterlogged cameras with nothing more than a napkin and two spare minutes.
I’ll update again Friday with more dumb things I do and the one thing my wife does which drives me absolutely bonkers!
What painfully dumb things do you do? Leave a comment below, share in the pain, make others feel less dumb.
Like this post? Please consider tweeting it.
Want BloggerDad delivered to your email every time I post? Well, you’re not alone. Join the literally tens of others who have already subscribed for free! Email not your thing? That’s okay, you can also subscribe via RSS.
Content is copyright 2009 BloggerDad.com. If you are reading this on any site other than www.Bloggerdad.com or your personal RSS reader, then you may be reading it on a site which steals content. And a site like that is probably up to all kinds of no good.
{ 1 trackback }
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
I do that same “Enjoy your movie” thing, but I don’t think people even notice. Either that or they’re too polite or frightened to call it to my attention.
feefifotos last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Huh?
I feel you on this one. Whenever I’m out grabbing a quick bite to eat and they say “Enjoy!” I sometimes catch myself saying “You too” instead of “Thank you”. Makes me feel like a grade A idiot.
PJ Mullens last blog post..A House is Not a Home
I’m not much better. Except I’m a sconch paranoid.
So, say, when someone at Subway says, “have a nice day.”
I’ll say nasty things. I’ll say strange things.
“Oh, thank you SO MUCH for the suggestion. I WAS gonna have a SHITTY day, but you told me to have a NICE one. What a novel idea. Thank you.” (Hold eye contact longer than is socially appropriate.)
They look puzzled.
Or:
“Have a nice day.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t take orders.”
or
“Have a nice day.”
“Look, if I wanted advice, the last place I’d look was a pimple faced 16 year old that works at Long John Silvers.”
Genuine Chris Johnsons last blog post..How Do You Harness Uncertainty?
I of course do nothing stupid, however my husband is another story. He will pull things out of the refridgerator and place them on top of it to get to other things and then NOT remember to put them back. Days later when I am looking for, lets say the milk, I look up and there it is nice and spoiled. Ugg is he stupid.
Danielle Bs last blog post..Not your average "pick a color" kinda place
I hate the stupid small-talk when cashiers as you: “How are you?” And you’re supposed to say “fine”. And nobody really gives a shit.
I give different responses.
I might say “HUNGRY” (i.e that’s why I’m shopping now)
Or I’ll say “Average!”
Or I’ll give a number: “Seven out of ten”.
It always confuses them.
I like the old George Carlin statement – “I’m not unwell, thank you!” LOL that usually confuses the heck out of them!
If asked how I am, I answer honestly. Teaches people not to ask unless they really want to know.
I’ve also learned to respond to whatever cashiers, clerks, or service people say with “Thanks, have a good one!”, which seems to cover all the bases nicely.
Two days ago I asked a cashier how she was doing , and she burst into tears! I gave her a hug…not my usual behavior (touching a stranger? Ummm…not so much…), but she really needed it, more than I needd my personal space.
I can’t even begin to list the stupid things I do…so I’m not going to try…but probably if you can think of it…I’ve done it. Yep. And I’m not a stupid person…I don’t think…but who am I to say?? Great, now I’m dizzy…
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
Kyddryns last blog post..Ribbons of Gold
I think most people are awkward. I have my moments. I’m also the annoying person who’ll strike up a conversation with someone in a bank queue or at a coffee shop. And sometimes I have no clue how to respond to people. Like the other day I was jogging and this guy said to me “keep it up!”, all encouragingly, and I was like huh? I didn’t know how to respond so I kind of smirked and sped up a bit to get away from him.
We all just do the best we are able to do…I like that I am more myself and can laugh at my dumb moves. It is fun to get them out in the open…I do have a problem with not throwing things away….or giving them away….if it does not serve you or your life, it may serve someone else’s life. Well maybe spent light bulbs not so much…
American’s have too much space sometimes, and hording seems to be a bigger issue here than in places with small spaces to abide….I have almost no knick knack kinds of things because I hate to dust – and I freely give away things I do not need or want…
one of the most important life lessons is learning to let go…Laughter is a great cure
Patricias last blog post..The Magic WANT!
I don’t know if I am bad at small talk but I am certainly against it. I fell like Larry David when he debates when he should have “stop and chat.” I usually run right by people saying Hi how are you. They want a “stop and chat” but I blow right by.
Otters last blog post..Random Tuesday Thoughts: Long Wait
In all my years I don’t think I’ve ever let an attendant rip a stub without saying, “You too.” I’ve no idea what my problem is.
Writer Dads last blog post..Finding My Friday Again
Working on my FIFTH, I have to say I understand the reason for the age in months thing.. For instance, my son is 19 months old. So technically he is 1 year old. But if I tell someone he’s one year, that could range from 12 months to 23 months. Hundreds of milestones can be reached during that time. It only really works in years once they hit three. But even that, it’s still not accurate. So i say my daughter is in her Mid-Threes.
Now back to being a dork… For some reason, I seem to find every little thing that is on the floor when I am walking and holding the kids. But the Wife has some natural radar that prevents her from hitting ANYTHING.
Erics last blog post..Kids Eat Free
hehehe. laughing with you…really. here’s a really dumb thing i do. i like to put things away before people in my family have actually had time enough to use them. take milk for instance. my hubby takes it out for his cereal and innocently places it on the counter. i walk in the kitchen and put it away. he turns for said milk…and it’s gone. hahahaha. i laugh at myself everytime. (he only laughs maybe half the time…) silly me.
what else? i talk to other people in neighboring cars sometimes at red lights. yesterday to a lady with a cute puppy in the front seat. she had to unroll her window when she saw me ooogling. i guess in an equally dumb way i am the reverse of you in the small talk dept. thanks for this endearing post.
Suzanne Tuckers last blog post..How to Name Your Fear
Dumb thing I do? Sometimes I’ll check for a poppy diaper by sticking my finger in the leg opening (I have a stuffy nose 3 seasons out of the year). I don’t know why, I just poke it on in there at the same time thinking, dang if there is poop in there, I’m going to be sorry.
The amazing thing is, I went through about 6 years of changing diapers before I finally got the stinky finger.
Tracys last blog post..I am so ready for a 3 day weekend
And Eric is totally right about the years vs. months thing. I don’t drop months until 3, then I do halves until about 6, then starting at 7 they can be whole years, except for the three months before their birthday when they are “going on” the next age.
Tracys last blog post..I am so ready for a 3 day weekend
Oh these are great,
The one, “Ticket seller: “Enjoy the movie.”
Me: “You too.” (Cringe, then quickly walk away)”
I just did that yesterday to someone on the phone. After I said it, I was like “did I just say that?’ Open mouth, insert foot……….
Barbara Swaffords last blog post..Finding Pleasure In Ordinary Things
I can’t wait to read tomorrow to see what you say it is I do that drives you bonkers.
I smiled when I read Kyddryn’s comment: if someone foolishly asks me how I am, I actually tell them and most of them instantly regret it, and when I’m being chatty, I unfailingly manage to ask cashiers or new mums or old ladies at bus stops the one seemingly innocent question that opens up floodgates or treasure chests of stories.
The stupidest thing I’ve started doing recently is posting comments without filling in my details above. Every single day I do that at least twice.
janices last blog post..Think Like a Black Belt
Glad you’re not an idiot with writing….
On a drive home from picking up kids, we passed a class mate of my daughter’s. I meant to call out a nice “Hi ya” or such, but out came ‘wooowhoooOOOO’ (sing songy like) – gawd knows why, but she hasn’t looked at me the same since…. of course my gal doesn’t let me forget it either. I am famous for looking at someone and calling them the name of the person standing beside – goes over well too.
Ohmygod, you and Larry David are equally hilarious- I could not stop laughing and cringing simultaneously while reading this post.
Whenever I talk to someone I don’t know that well- or even worse; for the first time, I finish their sentences. Only to find out that wasn’t what they were going to say at all. And still I keep on doing it throughout the conversation. I like the idea of those cards, I really do.
Adrenalynns last blog post..It’s going to be a great summer. Because I said so.
I love that you wrote down a list and then lost it. I also love the idea of a card that you hand to people, assuring them you’re not that stupid. You should definitely put your Blogger Dad url on the card, too, as proof that you really have your act together (think of the extra traffic you’ll get!).
I usually get myself in trouble by just opening my mouth and saying what I’m thinking, which often then requires back-pedaling as I try to explain myself, my train of thought, and other things there are no explanations for.
I also regret trying to do too many things at once. Just yesterday, as we were getting ready for a dozen people to come over for dinner, I opened the dishwasher and pulled out both racks, with the intention of emptying it (see how smart I am, thinking ahead?). Then I got distracted and decided to make lemonade with the can of frozen (or so I thought) concentrate I had just bought at the store. I popped the top of the lemonade can and sticky liquid goo spilled all over the clean dishes (and the counter and floor…and my jeans and shoes). At least that’s a dumb thing I *did*, that I’m pretty sure I’ll never do again.
Kristin T. (@kt_writes)s last blog post..Tales I couldn’t tell without Facebook
ahahaha! i think i can relate with you here. though in my work i speak to alot of people facilitating seminar and discussions, i really a person who is ultra shy of hooking a conversation with anyone. i would rather just smile say a word or two or just walk away. ehehe!
elmots last blog post..Chanting a Blogging Mantra for Rockstar Domains
I am totally incapable of remembering a casual telephone conversation.
huahuahuahuahua!!!
if it makes you less dumb… well… I do most of these dumb things myself too… LOL
and more… and some so dumb I am actually ashamed to tell them…
and I am shameless…
UrbanVoxs last blog post..24 at 28kbps… LOL
feefifoto – Frightened? Do you go to the movies with a scowl?
PJ Mullen – Well, at least there’s the possibility that they MIGHT eat something.
Chris – Yeah, I remember that quote from Chapter 7 in your book, “How To Make Friends, Dammit.
Danielle – Is this MY wife? Hmmmm….
Friar – I like to say “lonely” and then look at them longingly and asking them when they get off work and if they walk to their cars.
Elizabeth – Carlin is the best!
Kyddryn – You HUGGED SOMEONE? I hope you brought disinfectant!
Lady Mama – Yeah, way creepy. At least he didn’t say “you can run but you can’t hide”
Patricia – Wise words, indeed. Thank you.
Otter – LOL. Awesome.
Writer Dad – We ARE brothers!
Eric – Five? How do you make time to read blogs, let alone comment? Yeah, women are good at that.
Tracy – Stinkfinger, Tracy. Ah, a new nickname is born.
Barbara – Woops. You can just say you were talking to someone else who was in fact going to see a movie.
Blogger Mom – Oh, there you are
Nothing to see here, no ma’am.
janice – I hear you on the comments thing. Sometimes I will copy my comment just in case it gets lost in the refresh.
Trina – that’s debatable
LOL on the story. Wow, I think I would hide for a week after THAT.
KT – Yeah, I would get a lot of traffic because I’d be giving out a lot of cards! As for the dishes, at least you didn’t put dirty dishes in the cabinet like someone I know.
elmot – I hear you there. I had to force myself not to be shy at my last job.
Square Peg – Wait, you listen while you’re on the phone?
Blogger Dads last blog post..Dumb things I do – A list