We are gathered here today to bid farewell to an old friend, a dear friend, a friend who has served me faithfully for many years. I am talking about The F Word.
I first met The F Word in middle school. Kids were teasing me because I wouldn’t use bad words. They taunted me for the sin of not fitting in and being a “goodie goodie” etc…
I was so afraid to disappoint my parents, that I resisted as long as I could. Eventually, in desperation to be accepted, I said F It, and began a journey not unlike Dorothy in Oz, familiarizing myself with all manner of bad words and adding them to my arsenal.
During the next few years, I spewed fowl language like some twisted poet, always finding new and exciting ways to utilize and expand the art of cursing.
While there are many, and I do mean many, curse words in any decent vulgarist’s tool box, none exceeds that of The F Word in it’s artistry and variety of uses.
The F Word is quite simply, the most perfect word in the English language.
Consider:
Great things about The F Word:
- The F Word works as a noun, pronoun, verb, adjective and adverb
- It is both utilitarian and beautiful
- If someone uses the word followed by “you” it’s a bad thing. However, if they (or at least the right person) says it with the words “I want to” preceding it, it’s a good thing.
- It has the perfect guttural tone to convey meaning so that even non-English speaking people understand that you mean business, dammit
- It’s often the first word to leave people’s lips in the morning
- And it has likely been many a person’s final utterance before exiting this Earthly existence
- When all other curse words fail, The F Word always works
However, having a two year old boy and The F Word in the same house do not mix well.
As E’s vocabulary increases, he is always in search of new words to twist his tongue around. I suppose that words shouted by daddy count among the coolest to experiment with. Which is why my wife keeps telling me to watch my mouth.
This all came to a head last week.
My wife was at work and I was driving with my son. Some jerk cut me off, causing me to alter my course or risk an accident. I cursed at the jerk, even though he couldn’t hear me.
However, my son could.
And moments later, he repeated my words.
“Fokka … Modda Fokka.”
Not just The F Word…
But the MF word!
Three more letters:
OMG.
I quickly altered the word, repeating, “daddy said doctor” hoping he would follow along.
“Modda Fokka,” he said.
I showed no reaction, though inside I was both laughing and shrieking.
Eventually, I convinced E to say “doctor.”
Later, I sheepishly confessed the event to my wife and she reacted as I thought she would – horrified.
We went a few days without incident until the other night when something happened in the house which caused me to mutter, almost under my breath, The F Word.
“Fokka,” E said almost immediately, like some magic beanstalk seed which merely required a bit of water to spring to life.
Thankfully, my wife was nowhere within earshot.
“Yeah,” I said, “Doctor. Doc-tor.”
That was the end of that. This time.
So, I’m afraid I have to say goodbye to my old friend, The F Word.
I’ll miss you dearly. It will be hard to find a worthy replacement that elicits as much joy to say. And for that, I will be sad. Fret not, though, as this is not a permanent goodbye. Something tells me, we’ll meet again, say about the time E hits his tween years.
Oh, F.
Other evidence of my bad parenting: The post about my son’s first curse word, Sh!t.
If you enjoyed this post, check out my friend, Dave Fowler’s post on the subject. Forgive the lack of comments on his post. He had some great ones, but they were lost when he had an issue with his F’ing host.
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This is one hell of a Modda Fokka post, Sean. I thought that one about exclamation point is superb. But this one is OMG superb. Dammit.
Agree with Jan, *David.
This post had mile attempts to put language I shouldn’t even know yet in it. Which gave me a great reason to say “Modda Fokka.”
Dan Mirandas last blog post..30 Reasons To Believe In Yourself
ROFLMAO…I went through almost the exact same thing. When my 13 yr old was three we got stuck in traffic. Out of the back seat comes, “Move fukhas, that light not gween enough for you?!” Something similar happened several times. But we got it all taken care of.
Now, he’s a teenager. That’s a whole new exciting can of worms.
Warm and funny post. Thanks for sharing!
Mr. Nuggetss last blog post..The Mystery of the "Numb Nuggets" Moniker – Tale One
Oooops, I’m sorry, David. I’ve totally lost it in my excitement while reading this glorious post. Please forgive this little modda fokka.
To make amends, I’ve tweeted this twice. The second one – an encyclical to my troops to check this out or else!
and so, good blogger friend jan geronimo, recommended this blog entry of yours… and i did not hesitate to read… i enjoyed, really! haahahha… you might replace the F word for FART… or maybe a little bit hard on your tongue say, PACK… or maybe PLUCK… or perhaps BUCK… those words would be a very nice replacement for the F word if you really cant help saying it… hhaahahah… but i would strongly recommend FART just in case you really want to say the F word… so there… wahehhehe
Mr. Nuggets – why say “ROFLMAO” when you can say “ROFLCOPTER!”
Dan Mirandas last blog post..30 Reasons To Believe In Yourself
I stopped using it and other bad words when I was a sailor. I figured that if I talked like the proverbial sailor, there would be a time when some foul words would slip out at the most inopportune time — like Thanksgiving dinner. So I became a sailor that didn’t curse like one — but then, a significant percentage of sailors didn’t have foul mouths. Just another stereotype.
Mikes last blog post..THAT isn’t news!
LMAO
However, if they (or at least the right person) says it with the words “I want to” in preceding it, it’s a good thing. Exactly. Especially in jail.
I loved this post David, but then you knew I would. Thanks for sharing this gem.
Oddly enough though, I can’t see you being the sort of guy who uses strong language. You always seem like the perfect gent.
Dave Fowlers last blog post..A Limerick Tribute To Sean Platt: A Ghostwriter
Hi David,
I had to come by as Jan and Dan (first two commenters) were tweeting about this post and it was too much too resist. Unfortunately children do learn what they live, so it’s no wonder they want it emulate what we say, too.
Like Dave Fowler, I agree. You do seem to be a perfect gent. You’re full of surprises, aren’t you?
Barbara Swaffords last blog post..How to Write to Blog Lurkers
You’ll have your F word back soon enough… E will grow into a preteen sooner than you think and will be saying the word at school.
The two of you will meet again. I’m amazed how often my own father is using the word these days. Perhaps he’s making up for lost time.
Still, in some small way it does tarnish my impression of my dad. Maybe best stay away from it as long as you can mate
Marc – WelshScribes last blog post..Help Me Improve – Reader Audit
I’m too lazy to edit my speech…I’d rather be subversive and teach the Evil Genius about “grown-up words” and get him to self-police his language.
So far, so good. Yay for slacker Mom!!
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
Kyddryns last blog post..The Thunder Rolls
The first time my daughter cursed in public was when I was paying at the grocery store and she spilled some juice down her shirt. “Aww shit” she exclaimed, much to the stunned bemusement of the matronly cashier. Luckily haven’t had the F word dropped while out yet, though she does repeat it sometimes. Good luck saying goodbye to it!
Noble Savages last blog post..Catfight!
You and the F Word may meet in secret again when E’s a teenager, but even then, there’s nowhere to hide. I heard this from a teenager the other day: “How come it’s OK for you to say f*** but not me? You’re a f***ing hypocrite!” BIG lesson and warning sign for me…
janices last blog post..Sharing the Seattle Journey
We’ve been bidding adieu to many colorful words in our household. And no, we aren’t the type to swear all of the time, but like you said, in certain situations…
Like you, we have ears that are just over two-years-old – and they hear everything. I’m even trying to get him to stay away from some of the obvious substitute for words we should avoid, but the minute we slip…
Oh, and my son’s first swear word was right after my Hubby said it. Like your wife, I was horrified.
RC – Rambling Alongs last blog post..Celebrating today
Email dude, I get it ALL out in email. I don’t think my kids have yet to hear me swear, but that’s because 99% of is done with my fingers. Though honestly, I can’t wait until they’re old enough. Four letter words at a lot of F-ing color to the conversation.
One little boy who used to go to our school clutched his stomach one day and said, “Mr. Sean, my tummy feels like shit.” When I asked for clarification, he said “like shit Mr. Sean. It feels like shit.”
Writer Dads last blog post..When the Petals Drop
@Dan LOL I love that term
Marc – WelshScribes last blog post..Help Me Improve – Reader Audit
My then 6 year old was in the car with her 4 year old sister and said with a tone of irritation, “It’s F-U-X!” As I fought to keep from swerving off the road, I asked pleasantly, “Where did you hear that?” And she said, “At school.” So not only did I have to explain that it wasn’t a good idea to use that word, I had to teach them the right spelling! At least they didn’t learn that one from me. For better or worse now, my 6 year old is 20 and we use the F word frequently in conversation with each other.
Sean ROFLCOPTER. That could have been a fifty year old man complaining about his back:
Man -”My back feels like shit, Sean.”
Sean – “What?”
Man -”Like shit son, son. Feels like shit.”
Sean -”Oh alright, hope you get better.”
Dan Mirandas last blog post..30 Reasons To Believe In Yourself
My 6-year-old is all “Oh bloody hell”
And I’ll tell you this, he doesn’t get it from his mummy.
Bloody fathers . . .
Tara@Sticky fingerss last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: The chain gang
I think an actual tear slipped down my cheek. Please tell me it isn’t true. I’m not sure I can handle it.
Jennifers last blog post..A First For Me
We have never been much for swearing in our household and I discovered that the word Frittata! spoken with the correct intonation took care of most of the release need for swearing. Two things came home which changed all that…
Writer daughter had to write a 5 page paper on the the word S **T and it’s history…it comes from when England was trying to green up Africa and was shipping dried cow manure there by the boat load. If the manure got wet it made methane gas and you could kill everyone on board – Thus stenciled on the bags was Ship High in Transit. As folks are want to do it got shortened to S. H. I. T.
This A work paper suddenly opened the door to the whole household using the word at appropriate moments – such as Dad hitting his thumb with his hammer. Much to my mum’s distress, but then again we were all over age 15 by then.
#2 I had felony allegations made upon me by a family member during the care of my mother’s dying. I had my counseling license and ordination suspended until that investigation was completed and the courts ruled. The whole year cost our family just under $10,000 and I was not working because I was caring for my mum 24/7 and very tired. My husband and I started whisper in the F word all the time – so my mum would not hear – it is a release even whispered. That went away when she died and we found out that the investigation had been called off as unfounded.
Kids do not need to know the words any earlier in life and not using it will just expand your creative verbal expletive category of expression.
Patricias last blog post..How We Met Entry #3
Okay, no swearing, but you’re still going to share dragon porn with the little one, right?
megans last blog post..COME VISIT ME!!!!
Reminds me of that scene in Meet The Fockers… “assss-hooow”.
I have a 2 year-old as well – one who is also picking up and mimicking everything anyone says, so we’re trying very hard to watch our language. I dread hearing the F word come from his innocent little mouth, and knowing my luck it would be said in public.
Lady Mamas last blog post..When did I become a sucker for tacky movie merchandise?
There comes a time in every responsible parents life, when they come to this point. Some just say ‘What the F”. I think you are making the right choice.
James (Seattledad)s last blog post..Vacation by the #’s
Patricia,
Snopes has a different take on Ship High in Transit. They say the shipping story is not true and that the word
“entered the modern English language via having been derived from the Old English nouns scite and the Middle Low German schite, both meaning “dung,” and the Old English noun scitte, meaning “diarrhea.” Our most treasured cuss word has been with us a long time, showing up in written works both as a noun and as a verb as far back as the 14th century.”
Mikes last blog post..THAT isn’t news!
Megan: Not only LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!, but LOL for the next week and a half!!!!!!!!!! Oh man…..
Writer Dads last blog post..When the Petals Drop
Dragon what now??
Come on Megan, do tell.
Dave Fowlers last blog post..A Limerick Tribute To Sean Platt: A Ghostwriter
Woopsy.
But I would fight a good cause for the B word being more unilateral. But perhaps not state side mo fo.
SingleParentDads last blog post..I’ve Got a Mommy Today
oh my guts aches from the howling, and I have to wipe down my screen. Nothing like a well placed F word, unless it’s from a two yo. This potty mouthed Mom is enjoying having teens…
Ahh I remember that time well – these days Zack (our almost 4 yr old…how did THAT happen so fast??) needs to be reminded daily that ‘what the hell’ is not allowed, along with “oh! my! GOD!” and various other phrases that his dad and I say without realising.
At least I don’t say the F word anymore… *cough*
Marylins last blog post..What are you passionate about?
Enjoy your blog, but what happened to Todd and Penguin and Taking Up Space?
Just Curious…..
Jan – Thanks, and don’t sweat it on confusing Sean and I. Happens all the time. Must be the Writer Dad/ Blogger Dad thing Or that each of us bear an uncanny resemblance to Brad Pitt.
Dan – Why, I’m shocked! But thanks for getting the name right!
Mr. Nuggests – LOL! That’s hysterical. Your son isn’t from Boston, by chance, is he?
yatot – Thanks for stopping by. And the idea of replacing The F Word with a word that sound similar won’t work because people who hear our son say “Pluck it” will think he said the actual words. As for the other words, they just don’t pack the same verbal punch as the tried and true F Word.
Mike – Now that is ironic! My dad was in the Navy and he very much embodies the stereotype. He has raised cursing to an art form, even.
Dave – LOL. Well, I used to be a gent till I fell in with the likes of you and Tara Cain.
Barbara – One can’t be both a gent and a vulgarian?
Lisa – Yeah, if not sooner. Kids seem to be hitting all the bad benchmarks earlier these days.
Marc – Your dad is DEFINITELY making up for lost time. He probably had an F Word Parade the minute you left the house!
Kyddryn – Wait, children have the ability to police themselves? When does this restraint kick in?
Noble Savage – That’s both cute and funny!
janice – Well, that’s when you say those dreaded words we thought we’d never say, “Because I’m the parent!”
RC – Good luck with the No Swear Zone.
Writer Dad – LOL! That’s funny.
Loran – LOL. There’s nothing worse than improperly spelling The F Word. And nice to see that your story has a happy ending.
Tara – Oh, sure, blame your husband. We need to get his take on this!
Jennifer – LOL. Every word of it, true.
Patricia – Thanks for posting. That sucks on #2. As for getting creative, yes, I will need to be much more so.
megan – Speaking of inappropriate. For those who read this comment and are curious, it’s a way, waaaaay inside joke involving Sean, Megan and myself.
James – Thanks!
Mike – Thanks for weighing in on a load of excrement.
Dave – Like you don’t know.
SingleParentDad – I don’t know, never been a big fan of The B Word. It doesn’t have the same oomph.
Trina – Thanks!
Marylin – Better get that cough taken care of…
Bill – Taking Up Space can be found at I Draw Comics and Todd and Penguin is on the back burner at the moment. All my other comics are also on hold. It’s been difficult finding time for all the things I am attempting to do and unfortunately, comics require the most amount of time for the least amount of reward. I need to keep my writing skills sharp as I pursue writing-based work. I am also attempting to get one of my comics syndicated. Once I figure out a way to secure a steady income, the comics will return.
@ Mike,
thank you for the new meaning…I still like the idea that a 17 year old working on derivations came up with the ship high in transit. I am sure at 25 and studying to be a Librarian she has found the updated information. She is the only family member who will not swear – says it it too limiting to her vocabulary and language development!
Patricias last blog post..How We Met Entry #3
Hehehe, yes indeed it is a sad day when the curse words have to be retired. I know it was a sad day for me. Now my husband still occasionally pops one out here and there and I have to tell you the first time my two year old spouts out the F bomb or some other such word I’m going to fall on the ground laughing because everyone is going to KNOW it didn’t come from me and it’s likely going to be at some horrific time like in front of my husbands 83 year old grandma. And all I’m going to very supportively do is snicker and bite my tongue so I don’t blurt out “I told you so” and let him try to convince him to say something else.
Jens last blog post..zoorific
I am sure you won’t have to say farewell – it’s rather going to be ’see you later’. Your son will for sure drag the good old fellow back to your home, now you did the groundwork, hehe…
Metropolitan Mums last blog post..Cry-baby’s weepy week
Your story had me laughing! I agree, it is the perfect word BUT I had completely muzzled it after giving birth and before my first girl’s linguistic prowess. The last year came, and some of the scenarios which have brought the F word response back into my vocabulary are:
“Yep, that means pregnant.”
“Honey? The good news is today is my last day of work.”
“You want HOW much to turn the gas back on??”
“Your salary has been reduced by 25% effective Friday.”
Yes, it’s been a fun year, MF!!
ginabads last blog post..Sunday Helper: Action for Autism and The Fresh Air Fund
My baby thinks Blinker Asshole is one word. I’m going to be sent to the mommy gulag aren’t I?
Tracy O’Connors last blog post..People who need pupa are the pluckiest people
V funny post Dave! Bet you’ll be dusting off the F Word and bringing it out of retirement waaay sonner than you hoped!
My swear devil is ‘For F’s sake!’ which my, then, 3 yr old was heard to utter once, when he couldn’t fix his Thomas train track together. I didn’t know whther to laugh or cry, and I promptly had to lock my own F word up for the foreseeable future.
Mom/Mums last blog post..Does size matter?
I learned very quickly how to hold my tongue around my kids.
Now I just curse like a truck driver when they’re not around.
heh.
MommaSunshines last blog post..CBG’s Ghost
i like this article about the F word! ahahah! very funny yet very informative…you can use the f-word is so many life experiences!!! when you are elated, angry, sad, and of course full of lust, eheheh!
elmots last blog post..Know the Origin of A(N1H1)
Oh man…. My wife and I swear like sailors. Bad sailors, drunk sailors. That and we watch zombie movies…. and swear… like zombie sailors. We’ve got a sweet little girl coming in September. I’m not sure I’ll be able to curb my mouth.
Good luck with losing the F word man.
Stephens last blog post..The moment when I realize that I’m going to be a dad.
Hi,
Don’t worry because foca is the portuguese word for seal and faca means knife
Have a nice time,
José
You crack me up. Glad I found your blog. : )
Michelles last blog post..Celebrating the red, white, and blue with cupcakes