“Let’s Hug it out, bitch.” – Ari Gold: Entourage
“Life is a waterfall
we drink from the river
then we turn around and put up our walls”
-System of a Down: Aerials
One of my favorite photos is of my younger brother and I aged nine and three. We are sitting on my first bike, a red and white banana seat Huffy, and my arms are closed around him. It’s one of the happier memories of my childhood.
It’s from a time when I would routinely hug and kiss on my little baby brother.
The only way my brother and I are likely to hug these days is if it’s followed by razzing or perhaps a sarcastic comment or punch.
The reason – Number 7 in The Guy’s Code – Guys shall not hug each other*.
The asterisk beside this rule notates an exception which allows for hugging ONLY at very solemn events such as funerals or the birth of triplets or very joyous events such as your team winning a playoff game. However said hug must be accompanied by several whacks on the back.
Acts of affection are allowed only if mixed with aggression.
This story isn’t about my brother so much. It’s more about fathers and sons.
There is a distance in most male relationships, a guarded distance. Perhaps it is born of sibling rivalry or daddy issues or just the hardening that most men go through just to get by in the world without becoming the target of bullies and those looking to take advantage.
When I was a child, I hugged my mom and dad every night before bed. One night, I just stopped.
I’m not sure why, but as I was approaching the ripe old age of 10, hugging and kissing my parents goodnight didn’t seem cool anymore. It seemed weird. I barely remember the transition, but it was quick.
And with that act of pulling back, the last remnants of my childhood innocence slipped away like shedding skin.
In it’s place, I began building the wall that most guys build around themselves – that protective barrier against all that would harm or hug.
Recently, someone breached my wall – my son.
He is still a toddler, so he loves hugging and kissing big sloppy kisses which leave your nose or cheek wet. And I LOVE hugging him. The closeness in that moment, the energy, the LOVE in that bond is one of the most amazing feelings ever.
And it pains me to know that someday he will pull away.
Someday he will feel weird hugging me just as I had felt hugging my parents. I wonder if my dad gave much thought to my pulling away as a child. What he may have felt never occurred to me until now. It never occurred to me that maybe I hurt his feelings. Partly, because I was pretty certain my dad didn’t have feelings.
My dad is an Old School Tough As Nails Dad, the kind of guy that just does what needs to be done and doesn’t spend a whole lot of time contemplating his ‘feelings’. I certainly couldn’t have imagined him getting all torqued up because his son stopped hugging him.
But now that my son is born, I see a softer side of my dad. The side that probably existed back before my brother and I wore him down with our antics.
Last Tuesday, my father came to my house to install cabinets, a shelf and a rack in our laundry room. It was a Christmas gift to my wife and I. We worked much of the day putting the cabinets up and they look great. When I saw WE worked, I mean HE did most of the work, while I helped do the things which didn’t require much knowledge of tools.
At the end of the day, I thanked my dad. As he was leaving, he offered his hand. I shook it, grabbed it, then pulled him closer
and hugged him.
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Us guys can be pretty stupid in this way. I’m no exception. I hug all the time, but it’s always followed by some quip to show how manly I really am. I’m fooling no one.
P.S. I love the Ari quote.
Writer Dads last blog post..Sliding Doors
While hugging is not normal for guys in our culture, it is very normal in other cultures.
Mike Goads last blog post..Toys for Christmas — 25 Days of Christmas: Day 15
Oh, Mike G beat me to it. This is definitely cultural. Plus, not being comfortable with hugging is not the sole realm of men. I didn’t grow up with hugging family members. As an adult, I made a concious choice to start hugging. I hug my children (although my son holds back, being a North American male), and my siblings and parents. It was very awkward at first, but I think everyone is getting used to the idea *smile*
Urban Panthers last blog post..Complete job melt down
Viva la revolution!!
I teach people how to hug. Yep. I actually teach a workshop on hugging. I will be delighted when there’s no one left to teach.
Meanwhile, Bird won’t let me out of the house without my goodbye hug and kiss, and I can’t pass by his room after bedtime without demands (always met) for hugs and kisses. It’ a delightful age, when they are so unselfconscious with their love.
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
Kyddryns last blog post..Swap This!
Yes we can be that way. I say more hugs for all! Everything, well almost everything, is better with a hug!
GPs last blog post..Time for School
Ya, I know that day when the boys won’t want to hug me is coming but right now they are still like it. Even still, I’ll look at it as a temporary thing because my dad and I are always giving each other big bear hugs so I hope to continue the tradition.
CK Lunchboxs last blog post..Get Fit… Before Wednesday!
Hugging is one thing that my husband said he was so happy to have 3 daughters – I grew up in a not very hugging family and they never said “I love you” out loud – so one way that I am different is I work at making sure when my children are at home I hug all the time. My husband and one of his two brothers now hug in support without the joking or slapping on the back side let go…they really listen to each other too and talk things out because they decided to when they turned 60 – each in turn.
If you can find a good way to talk to your son, after the teenage years, I see a number of fathers and sons celebrating with a hug and support. I think its a matter of communication and this generation is making a difference.
Nice writing and I enjoyed your post Thank you Beautiful pictures
Patricias last blog post..Waiting
My son is 6 and is getting all ‘don’t hug me in front of my friends and the school gate’.
It is quite upsetting but he ALWAYS ALWAYS hugs at home, and as long as I have that, I’m good.
I am a hugger! It’s just naturally in me, I can’t help it but I do appreciate that sometimes people really don’t like it.
I hug friends when I haven’t seen them in a while and I’d sure as heck hug you BD if we met!
Taras last blog post..Run for cover, it’s a meme
Am I the only one curious as to how Dave’s dad reacted? It was such a wonderful gesture from a grown son. Dave, I’m proud of you in a misty-eyed way. I showed the post to my hubby in hopes that he will open up to it.
BJ Keltzs last blog post..Finding Your Voice
Writer Dad – Yeah, I think most of us do that.
Mike Goad – I probably should have mentioned that it wasn’t a universal thing. Thanks.
Urban Panther – Good for you on making the choice to hug! And yeah, I get you on the awkward thing.
Kyddryn – Teach people? Who knew that was a job description?! Cute story, too!
GP – everything except a mugging.
CK Lunchbox – That’s cool that you and your dad give hugs.
Patrcia – Most of my friends have always been girls growing up and I have no problem hugging them. It is almost second nature. And daughters and fathers seem to hug a lot more than sons and fathers.
Tara – Aww, thanks!
BJ – He hugged me back, of course. Good luck on opening your husband up. He’s probably gonna’ write me an email telling me to stop writing damned posts about hugging!
it took me some time to break that rule as well…
he’s starting to think that is not so cool… but do I care??? 
it was before my son was born, and it was hard… I was never one to show my emotions to anyone… not even my parents.
It was a weekend that changed MANY things in my life…
did you ever heard of an event called “Encounter with God?”…
yup… that was the thing.
I have noooo problems at all to hugging my kiddo in public thanks to God… hehehehe…
heheheheehehehe
zya!
UrbanVoxs last blog post..The whole Shebang
Your hugging your son to torture him, right?
I used to only hug when drunk. Now that I am older and more sober I try to hug once in a whild. I love hugging my son. I will be sad when he decides to stop.
Otter Thomass last blog post..Business Travel as a New Dad
I definitely think hugs are important. I have a 5 year old daughter and I hug her and tell her I love her at least 3 times a day. My parents didn’t hug or tell me they loved me, but they do now. It’s nice, because all my friends give big bear hugs and I give them back. My daughter tends to pull back when I give her hug, but I notice her holding back a smile when I hug her.
I use to be uncomfortable giving hugs, but since then, I think it’s opened me up and made me more secure.