Handyman, I am not
(Note: Special thanks to Orlund of Dad’s Workbench for giving Blogger Dad a Charming Blog Award. Thank you, I appreciate the honor. Hopefully he won’t retract that honor after reading this post!)
(One more note: This post originally appeared elsewhere in February, pre-dating the existence of this blog. I figured you might enjoy reading it.)
Apparently I’m as handy at installing a baby gate as I am at installing a car seat.
Yet, I found myself doing just that this weekend. Ever since my son started crawling a few months ago, he’s been determined to get a hold of the cats’ food. My wife (and the cats) demanded that I put up a gate to keep him out of the kitchen. While we have a small portable and easy to use expanding fence at one kitchen entrance, we had to purchase a larger permanent gate with an swinging door for the larger opening. Which meant I had to install it.
As you may recall from my last post, I dread Weekend Projects, because a) I work long hours during the week and I don’t want to spend my weekends fulfilling an endless list of Things To Be Done like some husbands I know and b) I am about as handy with tools as a blind monkey in a straight jacket.
The gate looked easy enough to install. The box proclaimed that “all you need is a screwdriver.” I can do that. I HAVE a screwdriver! The fewer tools needed, the more likely I am to buy a product. So, I figured that I couldn’t screw this up (pun not intended).
I figured wrong.
But it’s not my fault. The box lied.
Only after I opened the box at home did I see the instructions, which read:
“USING A DRILL AND 3/15 BIT, DRILL A BUNCH OF RANDOM HOLES IN THE WALL”
The box didn’t tell me that I needed a drill! Lying box.
It’s not that I don’t have a drill. I just don’t know where it is. It’s not in my garage with the rest of the cobweb covered tools. It isn’t in the laundry room. The only thing I can think of is that my subconscious, in an effort to avoid all future home improvement projects, guided me to bury the drill in the backyard one night while sleepwalking.
So where does one go when one needs to borrow a drill?
I called my dad, who is an old school Man’s Man. He can build anything and has the tools to do it. Not only does he have a drill, but likely several of them, each which perform some function that I probably should’ve learned in shop class when I was busy reading X-Men comic books I smuggled in. While it occurred to me to ask my dad for help, my ego wouldn’t let me. I’m a man. A man should be able to install a baby gate without calling daddy.
With drill in hand I returned home, ready to install that bastard gate.
Next step on the instructions: mark eight spots to drill holes where both ends of the gate will connect to the wall via connectors and screws. The box even included a handy EASY TO USE template! I’d have to be an idiot to mess this up!
Hi, I’m Blogger Dad, also known as Idiot.
While measuring with the template, which is supposed to start at the floor and measure up, I failed to take into account the trim which run along the floor. I, of course, realized this only AFTER drilling four holes and attempting to line the gate up.
Then I had to locate the proper spot to drill FOUR MORE HOLES.
“SH*%!” I cursed as I looked at the holes. I tried to keep my voice down but it wasn’t low enough. My wife immediately popped into the living room, “What? What did you do?” (God, that is about the least comforting thing a woman can ask a guy who is working on something.)
So, I told her. She was not happy about the holes.
“Why don’t you just call your dad to come over?” she asked.
Because a man should be able to install a baby gate!
After drilling the holes and connecting one side, I went to work on the other wall. I vowed to not make the same mistake on this wall.
Of course, I didn’t vow not to make a NEW mistake.
SOMEHOW, despite careful measuring and keeping the trim in mind, I managed to measure and drill one of the sets of holes incorrectly, off by less than a centimeter. Just enough to ensure that nothing lined up and connected.
So… I had to drill FOUR MORE HOLES.
More cursing. More questions from my wife.
My wall was starting to look like Swiss Cheese.
To make matters worse, since I didn’t realize my error until it was too late, I managed to lose four plastic anchors in the wall. I was able to pull them out, but they were mangled all to hell.
I have a question: Am I the only one who destroys plastic anchors every time I attempt to drill them into a wall?
And of course, the gate didn’t come with any extra anchors.
While I would love to have let loose a stream of obscenities so loud that God Himself would pause to look down from the Heavens to see the source of such a torrential of vulgarities, a wide eyed innocent Baby Wright was inches away, watching his inept daddy work. I was pretty sure I saw him shake his head in shame.
I didn’t want him to see me screaming at the fence. So I kept my cool, went to Lowes, picked up a box of 1,000 anchors (just in case I managed to REALLY screw up the gate) and drove home at about 140 mph.
A project which should have taken a half hour, tops, managed to take me nearly all day. I was annoyed. To make matters worse, my wife was annoyed at me being annoyed!
Yes, annoyed at me for the way I handled the whole situation.
Here I am doing something at her request. Something for The Baby, and she’s upset with me?
My wife, bless her soul, is a nice person who doesn’t get angry and curse at baby gates. She has this Pollyanna vision of a husband who smiles at each setback and screw up, who looks at the holes in the wall and cocks his head back and shares a wholesome chuckle with the entire Cleaver family – right before everybody practices Christmas Carols.
Unfortunately for her, she didn’t marry that guy.
The rest of the job went off without a hitch. And for my efforts, I have a nice secure baby fence and eight extra holes in the wall. Which of course means I have ANOTHER weekend project — repairing the holes and painting over them.
I can’t possibly screw that up.
Right?
Want BloggerDad delivered to your email every time I post? Well, you’re not alone. Join the literally tens of others who have already subscribed for free! Email not your thing? That’s okay, you can also subscribe via RSS – It’s also free.
Blimey BD, your son will be all grown up and at college by the time you sort it out!
Can’t you be more useful and just stand in doorways all day?
Taras last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Wow! Look at me.
I love the look of your theme (despite being bias – and partial to orange as well).
I am handy with a Alan(?) key, and that’s about it.
Although I did put the crib together…and that actually took a screwdriver.
Hmm.
We have no pets, so we’ve always been about crazy wandering freedom, but when we needed to get our license for the school, we had to put up gates all over the house. I think I had the same kind as you (if they’re not fairly universal), and I also had the same father. The good news is, that because I had so many to do, I got to have a practice one. Most of them were done well, but swiss cheese is a perfect description of the first one.
Writer Dads last blog post..Let’s Get Our Kids Drunk! or Happy Halloween!
Dude, those baby gates are rediculous. Just wait until he starts opening the cabinets and such. Tot Loks are fantastic, they are those little magnetic locks that keep kids from opening the door enough to get their fingers in and pull things out. The only problem, they too have to be installed. I had 8 cabinets at my old house. Of those 8 cabinets, I completely drilled holes all the way through the door on 7 of them. The last one I finally got the hang of the darn thing and figure it out. That was a nightmare. I am glad you have the gate up though…and I am sure the cats are mucho appreciative as well. If they still have a problem with they holes, tell them they can go out and hunt for their food like the wild cats of Africa. That’ll straighten them up real quick.
Sals last blog post..The Extent of My Knowledge
Tara – LOL. I do make for a good door stopper.
Matthew – Thanks! I was able to do the crib with little problem. However, adjusting the crib’s spring bottom was NEARLY impossible because you had to unscrew bolts and stuff, but in many cases, the bars on the crib prevented straight access to the bolt. So I had to slide the screwdriver in sideways, pull the bars back with one hand while screwing with the other, and it was a freaking nightmare and my hands were all bruised and banged up.
Writer Dad – Well, I have no intention of putting up any more. This one will stay up long past E’s in high school! You know, just in case we have more babies.
Sal – LOL. This actually happened in February. He has since moved on to cabinets. Amazingly, I was able to install latches for the cabinets – even found my drill (it wasn’t buried in the yard, though it was buried beneath mounds of stuff in my office). And I did it with ALMOST no swearing! But that’s not nearly as funny a story.
I AM handy with tools and I still make some dandy mistakes. My long-term project is an addition on our house, and you
should seewould beamusedappalled at some of the things I’ve had to redo.Hey you stole my story! Well I guess I haven’t installed a baby gate but that is exactly how everything works for me. A real simple plumbing task has lead to being with out water for several days, twice.
My wife is freaked out every time I buy a power tool or when I bought the torch for plumbing.
orlunds last blog post..Baby Dedication
You need to have your wife call your dad to do these things when you’re not home. That way he’s doing them for her not for you. I routinely give my FIL projects that we need done. We work 40+ hours a week and my FIL is retired. It gives him an excuse to get out of the house and away from my MIL
LizPs last blog post..04/05/08 Good Advice
I just think these last two posts are hysterically awesome! I’ve had to learn to do all these lovely projects on my own, but luckily I like power tools and working with them. If I didn’t have two kids running around imagine the amount of work I could get done around the house!
And Trey is the type that wants me to want him to do these kinds of projects. Sometimes I have to really step back and let him get annoyed at those “little things” like getting the holes off just enough to screw everything up without getting annoyed at him for getting annoyed.
Thanks for the laughs! I’ve needed them lately.
Kool Aids last blog post..You are crazy!
I snort-laughed while reading this. Really. It was completely lady like and my kids were yelling, “What!?” over and over while I laughed.
My husband is handy, incredibly so in fact, but he NEVER reads the directions. Evidently it’s un-manly to need directions, too.
Jamie Simmermans last blog post..Top 10 Ways to Know You’re a Freelance Writer
Oh, did I forget to say that we have holes in our walls, too. And the floor, and the ceiling…
Jamie Simmermans last blog post..Here’s Your Compliment, NOW TAKE IT!
Mike – I am amazed that you would even undertake something as large as an addition to your house. If I were to do so, it would take no less than 20 years.
Orlund – LOL! Glad to know I’m not alone. As far as a blowtorch, if I entered the house with one of those, my wife would take our son, hop in the car and race away, keeping a nervous eye on the rearview mirror awaiting the inevitable explosion.
LizP – I LIKE that idea!
Kool Aid – Thank you. Trey WANTS you to want him to do these jobs? Surely, he’s lying… or mechanically inclined.
Jamie – Yes, but THEY ARE MANLY HOLES, dammit! Thanks for the nice words.
maybe a little of both
Kool Aids last blog post..You are crazy!
LOL – a blind monkey in a straight jacket! Loved that one. Perhaps they don’t tell us on the box because they figure we’re not going to read the instructions anyway. I have a table saw and a neighbor of mine started asking around to borrow one. Someone told him, “Bryan has one.” To which he replied, “Brian A.?”
“Nope,” came the reply.
“Bryan S.?”
“Nope.”
“Brian B?”
“No.”
“Surely not Bryan Wilde. What’s he doing with a table saw?”
That’s the reputation I have and the respect that goes along with it. I’m there for ya, man.