It’s been 14 years since I last saw my best friend, Todd. 14 years since he uttered some words which were too harsh to forgive.
I’ll get to our disagreement a bit later, but let’s first go back to the beginning.
When we met in high school, we were the unlikeliest of friends. Something straight out of a buddy comedy. He was skinny, geeky, and very precise about his appearance while I was fat, long-haired and severely unkempt. I’m thinking Neil Patrick Harris and Jack Black for casting.
As different as we might have seemed, we actually had a lot in common. We were both outcasts on the fringes of popularity (though I was far more outgoing and had more friends than him at the time), and we had a lot of the same tastes in music, books, TV and movies. And neither of us were particularly smooth with the ladies.
Perhaps most importantly, we both had unshakable faith in one another even when we didn’t believe in ourselves.
Todd grew up in an abusive household, and because of this, he lived with a lot of restrictions—meaning he was never allowed to hang out with me (as I was a bad influence who gave him confidence to think for himself) nor was he given money to do anything. His stepfather actually checked the mileage on his car to make sure he wasn’t going anywhere but school.
So, I did what I could to make his life more bearable. I’d take him out, treat him to movies, buy him lunch, and pay his way whenever we were able to sneak off between classes.
While I had—and still have very close female friends—he was the only male friend with whom I connected in a way deeper than the usual joking and superfluous stuff.
We talked about things that really mattered. During high school, he’d sneak out some nights and we’d just sit on the grass, looking up at stars, talking about the wide open future and how much we were going to kick its ass. We trusted one another implicitly. We had something of an agreement that no matter what, we’d help one another get through whatever came our way.
Having someone who always has your back is an amazing thing. And that’s what we were for one another. No matter how miserable we were in high school and after, we got through it because we had one another.
The fact that Todd believed I would become a best-selling writer bolstered my belief in the same.
After his second year of college, he couldn’t take his home life anymore. Not having any money, he decided to escape and join the Navy. I might have joined too, but he was on a fast track to nuke school (where the geniuses go) and I was, well, on the fast track to a graveyard shift at a gas station.
A few years later, he visited me and suddenly the roles were reversed.
He was no longer socially awkward, nor geeky. In fact, he was very gregarious, fashionable, and successful with the ladies. Even more amazingly, he went clubbing and partied, things in which I’d never had any interest.
He had become cool while I was stagnating and becoming more introverted by the day, month, and year.
Despite our changed stations, we still had fun whenever he visited. No matter how much time had passed, we could pick up right where we left off in that way that the best of friends can.
Until February 1996, when he came to visit me for a week. He’d left the Navy and was living in Virginia.
It was perhaps the darkest period of my life. I was in a dead-end job, living in an apartment with my other best friend, Lisa, but I was wasting my life away. Only I didn’t realize it at the time.
You see, I’ve always been convinced that I would succeed. I would write and be known for my words. It was the one constant in my life. I was blind to the reality.
I wasn’t writing. I wasn’t doing much of anything other than working and sleeping.
Todd told me as much. He invited me to move to Virginia. We could get a place together. He said he’d set me up with a great paying job at this nice restaurant he worked at. I’d be set!
“I don’t know,” I said, “I don’t think I‘d be a good waiter. Look at me.”
For every avenue of escape he offered, I put up roadblocks of excuses. I had a million and one reasons not to leave. To not take a chance. To stay with the familiar.
He didn’t call me a loser. Not in so many words.
However, he was matter-of-fact with me. He told me that I was stuck in a rut, stuck in a past that didn’t exist, and living in fear.
I was pissed.
I thought him arrogant.
I didn’t think I could make changes as easily as he made them in his life. I was fat, I had a sucky job and I was clinging to my comfort zone, though I was miserable.
I remember as he was leaving my apartment about to make the road trip back home. He made a last ditch attempt to get me to come with him.
“Leave this all behind,” he said, “this isn’t you.”
I couldn’t leave though. I didn’t want to leave my roommate stuck with a lease. I wasn’t ready to take a chance.
He was disappointed in me.
I didn’t walk him to his car. I was too angry with him. Angry at his arrogance. Angry that every single word he said had honed into my center like razors.
The last person in the world that truly believed in me had lost his faith in me.
I went back inside angry. First at him, then at myself.
During the next few weeks, I thought about calling him. However, I couldn’t summon the courage. I couldn’t handle his questions if I were ready to move yet? Had I changed?
I couldn’t stand to see such a true reflection of myself again.
A few more weeks had gone by. Then I was mad that he hadn’t called me! What kind of friend is he? Soon, the gulf between us had grown, if only in my heart.
——–
On April 2, 1996, my phone rang.
It was a relative of Todd‘s. She called to tell me he had died in a car accident that morning.
I remember hanging up and just sinking into a ball on the floor. My roommate was still working. Her cat came over and started rubbing against me while I cried.
I had never felt so alone.
I couldn’t believe he was gone. I couldn’t believe the way we parted.
I mourned him. I mourned the life we’d not have together. Even though he’d been gone for years in the Navy, he was always still there—a phone call away.
Not anymore.
And for the next four years or so, I was lost. I felt horrible about the way things ended. I wondered if I had moved there, perhaps he would’ve lived. Of course, there’s no way to know a thing like that, but that doesn’t stop you from beating yourself up.
I still think about Todd a lot.
I think about what his life would’ve been like. He had a lot of promise and I’m sure he would have been successful in some way or another.
I also think about him whenever I enter a new phase of my life. How nice it would have been to call him when I finally listened to him and took a chance and moved to a new town, when I started a new career, when I started writing for a living, when I got married, and when I had a son.
If it hadn’t been for him, none of this might have happened. Thanks, Todd, for being a friend and not only believing in me but for also telling me what needed to be said.
Even when I wasn’t listening.
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What a heartbreaking story. I’ve only heard pieces of it over the year and a half I’ve known you. Thanks for baring your soul and honoring Todd in the way that you did.
I echo Sean’s sentiments. Thank you for sharing this with us Dave
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Powerful stuff, David. Thank you.
There is just so much familiarity that rings with this story; it nearly brings me to my knees. My heart was really touched by this and the obvious pain you must still feel at the loss of your friend. However the thing I take away from it is the somewhat rare circumstance it calls into focus, of guys who really care about one another; going beyond the macho, superficial, afraid-to-show-your-inner-self kinda of way that seems to be the normal role of male friends in society these days.
Friendships like the one you shared with Todd are so very rare and special; no matter how imperfectly they come to an end, I know that thinking about the good times will always remain a source of joy for you.
Thanks for sharing it.
.-= AJ in Nashville´s last blog ..Discover a Musical Treasure: 3rd & Lindsley Bar And Grill =-.
This was not the story I expected. It’s poignant and sad. I think if Todd had lived longer you would have been able to mend your fences and continue being friends. As it is, at the risk of sounding really cheesy, he lives on in your heart. You know he wanted the best for you and he would be proud of you now.
Sometimes what you need is just to let it all out. Dave, it is wonderful that you were able to experience such a great friendship and warm human connection. Some people never get that. Cherish the gift of your memories and don’t beat yourself up over spilt milk. We all suffer from pride and hurt egos at some time and we must remember that life is just too short to let the small stuff get in the way. I’m glad that you and Sean have become such good friends. He always has a smile on his face when he talks about you. keep up the good work you guys are doing. You are an amazing artist!
Well that reinforces what we have always believed – you should never walk out of the house in an argument – no matter how hard it is. This is a heart breaking story. I feel for you
Thank you for sharing this.
I lost my best friend about 16 years ago now. I still think about him when the big things happen in my life. I will always feel like there is a hole there.
I’m sorry for your loss, but I am glad that you were able to use that as motivation to do what Todd believed in you for.
*hugs*
.-= MommaSunshine´s last blog ..If you don’t think this is the best song ever…I will fight you =-.
You truly are the winner Todd saw in you, both in how you have lived your life, and how you have honoured what he meant to you. No shame in that.
Best, Trina
Very well written account. Enjoyed.
Gutwrenching. So sorry to hear that. I kept reading, hoping for a reunion. At least you can reflect on what he tried to do for you at the time and remember him as the true friend he was trying to be.
Thanks for sharing the story. I have a Todd of my own (much different circumstances) who I need to decide if I can reconcile with.
Thanks for this. It was well worth the read.
.-= Matthew Dryden´s last blog ..I Was Here =-.
This story brought me to tears. Thanks for sharing. Hopefully, this will help us to mend our bridges with the people we really love — no matter how much hurt there has been in the past.
((Hugs))
.-= Lexi Rodrigo´s last blog ..Turn Your Product Into A Country Club =-.
Blessings to you for sharing… I am moved.
.-= jennyonthespot´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: Where’s the Lucy? =-.
Damn pride and damn time, what a gift though to know that he always saw the potential in you. Your thanks will be always living up to it. Which, we know you can.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..In another’s eyes =-.
Oh my heart! How sad. Life is so short.
.-= The Estrogen Files´s last blog ..It’s a New Post! =-.
Todd was right to believe in you Dave. You just needed to believe in yourself. Isn’t it heartbreaking that much of what we learn, and what we become is because of such a loss. Keep writing Dave…for everyone. Thanks for sharing.
.-= Michelle Gillies´s last blog ..The Call of the Wild =-.
Thank you for sharing this touching piece with us. It reminds me of that life is too short for bitterness or anger. Blessings to you today!
.-= Kittymama´s last blog ..Wacky Wednesday =-.
I had a terrible day today, and had been crying just before I read this. It’s a really moving piece, and it made me stop and think about what is important. I’m glad things turned around for you. You’ve lived up to what your friend saw in you, and you realized what he was trying to do for you. As someone above said, he’ll live on in your heart. Thank you for sharing.
.-= WhitePineLane´s last blog ..Festival of Light =-.
Sorry it took so long to get back, everyone. Here are my responses. Thank you very much for taking the time to share your thoughts.
Sean – thank you for the nice words.
Marc – thank you, also. And thanks for reading.
Shane – thank you.
AJ – Thank you. It is kind of weird the barriers that guys put up between themselves. I think its a defensive method so we don’t appear weak or get hurt, etc… At any rate, it’s good when you can trust another guy and have that kind of friendship.
Loran – Thank you. And yeah, I think he would be proud of me, even though it took me a long time to listen.
margaret – Thank you. And I’m glad Sean is in my life, too. He’s become one of my best friends – thanks for raising such an awesome dude.
The Moiderer – Thank you. And yeah, I try not to let things lie – perhaps because of this lesson learned.
MommaSunshine – Thank you. And sorry that you had to go through such a loss, also.
TrinaMb – Thank you!
Bamboo Forest – Thank you.
Seattledad – Well, I see him a lot in my dreams, us hanging out like the old days, which sometimes feels like a reunion. As for your own ‘Todd’ I don’t know the situation, but unless he stole from you or betrayed you deeply, I’d try and make up.
Matthew – Hey, stranger. Thank you!
Lexi – Thank you. It would be nice if some good can come from the situation.
jennyonthespot – Thank you.
Amanda – Thank you. And yeah, I’ve never been a terribly prideful person, odd that it would strike with my best friend.
The Estrogen Files – indeed it is.
Michelle – Thank you, and I WILL keep writing. My friend Sean will see to that.
Kittymama – Thank you and yes, it is.
WhitePineLane – crying BEFORE you read this? Sorry! I’m glad it helped shift your perspective a bit.
David, Thank you for sharing your inner most feelings of your relationship with my son. I always knew there was a strong bond betweent he two of you and as much as I fought the step-father, I could do nothing to let him live life to the fullest. (My mileage was checked too!) I, too, had the same sentiment about moving near him. He invited me as well. Friends are blessings of the soul and it is your greatest honor to have allowed Todd into your life so he could experience a bond nothing could shake loose! Think of all the joy you brought to him. He may have givien you the strength to move forward, but you also gave HIM the strength to move away! Bless you and all that you have become. There is no greater way to honor my boy! Love, Lauren
David,
Although I wasn’t lucky enough to meet you or Todd, I have heard many great things about both of you.
I believe that any one we lose, so suddenly, is with us even if we don’t know it. * A Warm Breeze Is Todd Hugging You*
Thank You for sharing your memories.
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todd was my nephew and my best friend. I was always the crazy but fun aunt, and we too shared a wonderful bond. Todd was the first spiritual soul i felt rise through me after his death, after a brief touch. I now know what they mean by closure but it also gave me his spiritual soul last inside me forever. He gave me a part of him that i will always have. Hes always with me….at all times…i give him a warm hug daily within my arms. I love you my Todd, but you already know that…Love your crazy….but fun…..Aunt Pam