I used to be a cat person.
Then I had a child.
Now, I’m counting the days till my cats run away or drop dead.
Yeah, I know, I’m a horrible person. But I swear these cats are trying to push me over the edge.
I used to LOVE cats! Really, I did. What’s not to like? They keep to themselves, you don’t have to walk them, and if you train them right, they’ll give you neck rubs.
But, and I didn’t see this before I had a child, they are freaking disgusting. And annoying.
Here are some random bullet points on my cats (because I know you really want to read them)
- Their poop smells like the poop of the dead. I don’t know what companies put into the cat food I buy, but I wouldn’t rule out rotting corpses.
- The only time they seem to crap is when we are about to eat a meal.
- After said craps, they fling themselves across the house at the speed of light, banging into walls and knocking things over.
- Speaking of crap, how much feces do they track around the house on their paws? The OCD freak in me gasps at the thought of my son playing in feces.
- They are schizoid. Seriously, they can be all balled up on the couch lovin’ on one another one second, then engaged in a Last Cat Standing Death Match the next minute, scaring my son.
- They puke ALL THE TIME. It seems like every other morning, I wake up and step into a fresh new pile, which you can’t really see because it’s about the same color as our carpet. (note to self: never buy Cat Puke Brown Carpet again.)
- They’re VERY stupid cats. Captain Bologna Butt (so nicknamed for the way he smells sometimes when he doesn’t clean himself correctly) gets into fights with his shadow. And Sweetie (the nice, but neurotic cat) stares at nothing for HOURS on end.
- They sometimes, for no apparent reason other than to tick me off, like to poop on the floor.
This last thing is crossing the line. I do not want my son playing on the floor where cat feces was.
They are guests in my home. Rude guests, at that.
Polite house guests DO NOT POOP ON THE FLOOR!
This is about the time I should mention that my two year old son, E tends to pick things up off the floor all the time. He’s like a human vacuum cleaner, picking up Cheerios, raisins and God knows what else he finds scattered in various places.
I think you can see where this is going…
At any rate, I was sitting on the couch the other day when E walked up to me holding out his hand.
“Poop!” he said as he walked towards me. “Poop, meow.”
So for the record: E KNOWS the poop shouldn’t be on the floor, and it’s yucky. Yet, he doesn’t know that he shouldn’t pick up the poop?
“EEEEWWWW Gross!” I said as I snatched him up and rushed him across the house to wash his hands and dispose of the poop. As we passed one of the cats, E said, “poop, meow” and pointed at her.
Anybody want two cats?
I won’t bring them to the pound, because I know they nobody in their right mind would ever adopt them. And while I’d sometimes like to strangle them both with their tails, I don’t actually want them to die.
However, I am not going to help them live longer lives. Let’s just say we’re gonna leave it up to God’s will.
And no more of that pricey cat food that promises to prolong a cat’s life. Hell, if I can find a food that say’s it will shave a few years off, I’m buying it!
And if one of the cats happens to get sick and it costs more than $25 to fix them, it’s bye-bye time for that cat.
Believe me, I love animals. I spent close to $2,500 trying to save a guinea pig!
And if you want to comment or email me and tell me how awful I am and how it’s not the cats’ faults that I went and had a child, or I need to take my cats to a Cat Therapist etc… I’ll ask you to instead send your thoughts in a letter to my P.O. Box. Make sure you include your return address.
I have something I’d like to send you.
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I can SO identify. I have a cat. I have a 3-year-old. I feel your pain … and my stomach hurts from laughing
Nicki at Domestic Centss last blog post..Being Frugal Makes You Greener
Nicki – Thanks! As for the stomach pain, I apologize.
huahuahuahuahuahuahua
I haven’t laughed so much in AGES!
I got a book… it is called 100 reasons to hate cats…
should I send it to ya!
LOL
UrbanVoxs last blog post..Bleak
Urban Vox – Thanks.
And only 101 reasons? Man, the author certainly wasn’t trying, where they?
OK, that was freaking hilarious!
Just an FYI, they sell scoopable cat litter with antibacterial stuff in it, but I still think someone should invent a pad for the floor around the liter box that is filled with hand sanitizer for their paws. I agree, it is gross. They have little wipes for the cat’s paws, but who wants to wait around by the liter box until your cat is done so you can wash their hands for them? (Plus, my cat likes to go in there just to dig. And she scrapes the plastic sides for like 10 minutes, not the liter mind you, just the guard the keeps the liter in the box.)
And if you give them a can of tuna in oil every once and awhile, they will quit barfing everywhere. Unless they eat a mouse, then they’ll have to puke up the bones. EWWWW. Okay, I agree, cats are disgusting. I’m going to bleach my house and the cat now.
Jamie Simmermans last blog post..Strengths and Weaknesses
Jamie – LOL! Bleach the house and the cat! I also love the idea of the paw sanitizer! Genius!
Maybe I’ll put some cat paw wipes up next to the litterbox and ask them kindly to wipe their paws. I’m sure they’ll play along.
HAHAHA this is soooo true of the little furry beasts. While my kiddos are all teens now, and have cats of thier own (we have 5 of the darned furrballs *gasp*), when they were younger no feline entered my home. Even dogs have more MANNERS than cats and I’m not a dog person. Cats have a special way of knowing just where you don’t want them, which is ultimately where they will be as soon as you let your guard down. I feel your pain, throw the beasts outside, after all – they are cats…
Elizabeths last blog post..Life is good!
Elizabeth – LOL. I can’t throw them out, they are both declawed and they’d get their butts kicked by the neighborhood tough kitties.
Uh ya,
About the time my children toddled up to me with cat poo, priority umero numo would be finding a new home for the cat.
I had a poor helpless kitten during Christmas. It attacked the tree one day freaking out my boys and breaking several ornaments that were their favorites. Christmas is a good time to give away a cat in a hurry. They make good presents and go quickly.
CK Lunchboxs last blog post..Stay Back… Or I’ll Make You Laugh
CK Lunchbox – Do you know anyone who celebrates Christmas in April?
“picking up Cheerios, raisins…”
Those aren’t raisins
If your cats are pooping on the floor then they are trying to tell you that something is wrong. Usually stress related but I wonder why that would be…
Sorry Dave I’m in the cats’ corner on this one. I have two myself and there’s nothing disgusting about them
Marc – WelshScribes last blog post..Earth Day 2009
Marc – As the sole cat defender, you get the prize! Two kitties. Where do I send them?
And they aren’t gross, eh? Aren’t you both about to have a kid? Let’s see how you feel this time next year.
Then again, maybe you don’t have pukey, poopie cats. My former cats were nothing like these two.
We went through the ringer spending money on things to ensure the cats would get along back when we brought Charlie home a few years ago. He loves to play, the neurotic one freaks out and it becomes a battle. So, yeah, they love, then hate one another and surely they aren’t happy with the toddler in their world, but I’m not about to send my son to the pound.
And I’m through attempting to placate the cats. They’ll learn to deal. Or they’ll live in our garage.
There are a million stray cats in our neighborhood and our front yard, apparently, is one giant litter box. This was a nightmare when we had a preschool as I would have to spend every morning scoping the yard for feces. Not fun at all. Cats are way cooler without kids.
Hi-larious.
Writer Dads last blog post..April
Writer Dad – Why do I imagine you are being quite literal in your statement of a million stray cats?
I’ve never been a cat person, in fact I’m deathly allergic. I have always loved dogs but the more children I have, the less I want a dog. I just look at their cute puppy faces and think “That’s just a toddler, only worse, it’s a forever toddler!”
There are a lot of crazy cat ladies on my street, I bet one of them would take your cats.
Tracy O’Connors last blog post..My values are what motivate me
Tracy – LOL. Send me your cat lady’s addresses and I’ll get the box ready.
Brilliant! I’m going to forward this to my wife who’s harrassing me for a cat. Clearly she’s forgotten what owning one is like. She can cuddle the neighbour’s cat if she feels the need.
Thanks for the laugh!
Dave – Or, conversely, you can send me your address.
I prefer the hairless ones.
They don’t smell as much.
Although they’re not quite as good to stroke.
Cats eh? Who’d ‘ave ‘em?
Ivor – Hairless ones scare me.
I’ve never liked cats. I loved my dog before child. Now I just like him. But I was kind of mean to him during those first two child years. You are almost through the dark stretch. You might come to like your cats again once the boy is 3 or so and stops picking up poop off the floor.
Alisa Bowmans last blog post..Sex Advice: what’s really normal anyway?
Alisa – “Now I just like him.”
Awesome!
I would like them a lot more if they didn’t fight with one another and scare my son. Once one of them passes away, I’m pretty sure things will be smoother, because on their own, they are both extremely affectionate.
We recently found a new home for one of our cats, the one who decided the brand-new finished basement was her personal litterbox…
I solved the puking up problem by buying indoor cat formula food, with hairball control. Works great! Or, if they’ll cooperate, put some vaseline on their paws and they’ll lick it off.
GreenJellos last blog post..Wordless Wednesday
GreenJello – We do get them the indoor hairball stuff. I think they just like puking. Maybe they’re supermodels?
Too funny. I suppose what’s so funny, besides your great writing, is how much I can relate. We had two cats when I had my first baby. I went from adoring them to abhorring them, almost overnight.
The cat that peed on the quilt I made for my daughter (and on many other strategic items) was eventually delivered to the Humane Society (yes, I feel guilty, but just a little). One day, about a year later, my husband’s colleague was over for dinner and was loving on our other cat—the nicer but annoying over-affectionate one. The colleague mentioned what a great cat he was, and we said “Do you want him?” She actually took him home. True story.
Now my girls are in third and fifth grades, and we just got a dog. It’s better to do the kid-pet thing in that order, I think. And I’ve always been a dog person, anyway.
Kristin T. (@kt_writes)s last blog post..How do you define a “real job”?
Kristin – Thanks.
And as far as dogs go, my wife has said N-O. She probably knows that I’m far too lazy to walk it as much as it needs to be walked.
And let me know if your husband’s colleague would like to have dinner at my house.
I feel like I have a wonderful cat now! I suppose the fact that he’s out all night and half the day does help. >_<
Cat-poo-smell is the worst. I haven’t had to clear out a litter tray in ages. Woot!
If you’re really feeling that badly about them why not try to send them to some sort of shelter? You’re right to be freaked about your lil guy walking around not knowing if he’ll stand in cat poo (or worse!). If only cats were trainable eh?
Marylins last blog post..Photohunt: Purple
Marylin – The shelter is not an option. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I am stuck with them. Though, they almost pressed their luck tonight. Four fights in a span of four hours! A new record and upsetting my son!
I don’t like cats. You wil get no beef from me.
Otter Thomass last blog post..Love What You Do
Otter – LOL. I’m surprised how few cat defenders have shown up. Maybe cats are generally beginning to overstay their welcome.
Well any cat that pooped on my floor (unless it was really sick or locked in) would be enroute to the humane society forthwith. You didn’t say what the child had to do with it. So are you really saying you tolerated cat POOP better before you had “E”? I myself used to like cats. Then I got pregnant. Some primeval instinct about allowing what is essentially a predator carnivore around my genetic replacement kicked in. I despised cats, and my cats seemingly were very much better behaved than yours. Now that my kids are grown I tolerate cats, but dogs are better.
Colleen Dicks last blog post..New offline phish technique targets noobs & luddites
Colleen – The pooping is only a recent thing and happens rarely. I’m thinking it’s either Sweetie being scared by the other cat (Charlie) or Charlie being a jerk and doing it to tick me off.
Do you have like the strangest cats or did bringing a child in the house just turn them into nutcases?
Seriously, our cat is 12 and has never behaved in that fashion. In fact she has very sensibly managed to redirect her life so she can actively avoid the children at all costs. She even sleeps in the bath (without water, obviously) as it’s the only place they can’t hunt her down.
Taras last blog post..I (nearly) killed Baby
Tara – I DO have strange cats, indeed.
As for your cat, she’s probably scared of your daughter! Kitty doesn’t want a haircut!
This would never happen with dogs. They’re pack animals. When there’s a new addition to the family, they adopot it as a fellow pack member, and the baby now has a new best friend/guardian /playmate.
As for cats…well, you explained it all:
“…gets into fights with his shadow”.
( Stupid Cats!)
Friar – Well said. I’d love a dog, but I must admit I am far too lazy to walk it as often as it would need. Plus, most people I know who have dogs in the puppy phase tell horror stories of the dog eating furniture. And while it would make for AWESOME blog posts it wouldn’t do much to offset the loss of furniture.
Dave – You named your cat Charlie! Never ever name a cat Charlie. Seriously. This brings the total number of cats I know of that are named Charlie to 4 and every one of them are the same, hyper-energetic, trouble makers
Should I bother mentioning that tuna should only be given in moderation and too much is really bad for them? I’m talking about the stuff for human consumption not the tuna flavoured cat food.
Why do I get the feeling I just signed their death warrant LOL
Of course cat poop and cat puke are yucky but is it really any more so than what an infant does? No. It’s just a perception thing.
There’s no child on the way for us, not planned for the next year anyway. I know for a fact our opinions on cats won’t change though.
Anyway I’m waxing lyrical now which is not my intention but can I recommend one product that maybe you haven’t tried? Feliway.
I can personally vouch for its effectiveness.
Marc – Hey, THANKS for the tuna recipe! heh heh heh heh. Here, kitty kitty kitty.
No, don’t worry, I couldn’t do that even if I wanted.
And YES, cat puke and poop is different than an infant because my son doesn’t do those things all over the floor! Well, puke, maybe, but at least he has the common sense to aim AWAY FROM THE CARPET!
And the feliway stuff didn’t do much other than cost me too much money. My cats are immune to it.
Hysterical post. I loved this. Glad to see thirty-five people thought it was as funny as I did.
Dan Mirandas last blog post..13 Heartfelt Ways To Thank A Thank You
Dan – Thanks. Though half the comments are probably me responding. Nice to see I’m not alone in my cat distress.
Dude, your cats are gross. My cat would be mortified to poo outside the box. She once held it in for 5 hours because the door to the room with the litter box was closed. She even likes to have her own room to use for the litter box. And I think she’s barfed 3 times in her life.
Holly – No arguments here.
You are very very funny and it’s not often that a post makes me laugh out loud.
Still laughing…
best wishes Ribbon
Thanks! Though I really don’t feel my job is done unless someone spits milk, soda or coffee from their nose.
Ahhh, yes…I can so totally identify. I don’t have cats, but I do have a dog. And while we weren’t one of those “My dog is my child” type people, we liked our dog and were happy to have him around. Then the baby came. Once the baby arrived the dog suddenly became just a dog. And now he annoys me. A lot.
I get it.
Courtneys last blog post..His secret hiding spot
Courtney – The more comments and email I get on this subject, I think this phenomena of the child becoming important while the pets shift is more commonplace than I ever would have guessed. Must be the parental instinct kicking in. Or just being so tired dealing with all the baby-related things that you lose patience for the pets. I know that’s how I feel.
Thanks for stopping by!
Hi David ~ I feel compelled to leap to the defense of cats after reading the comments. While I feel your pain (and agree with the commenter who wrote that cats crapping out of the box indicates a problem or issue of some sort) I still think cats rule. The Boston Globe – long may it live – wrote recently about the health benefits of pet ownership. If I remember it right cat owners have a 40% lower incidence of heart attack and stroke. Pretty good, huh? Dog owners just got a little health bump from the exercise benefit from dog walking. Too bad you have smelly, crapping cats. My prince has perfect litterbox habits and smells sweet as can be.
One other thought – if any toilet training is going on in your household perhaps you could add the cats to the class. My father grew up with a toilet trained cat that taught itself. Youtube has plenty of videos of cats using the toilet and tutorials on how to train them. I have to confess that “cats toilet” is my all time favorite search on youtube and some of the videos have made laugh until I cried.
Liz at Centers and Squaress last blog post..Triple-Decker House Style – Three-Family Houses in Cambridge
Liz – Thanks for stopping by! The mere notion of the cats sharing the same toilet as us would send my Obsessive Compulsive wife into shock! Besides, one of our cats likes to sneak into the bathroom, sit on the toilet seat and dip her paws in to drink the water and then leaves the seat completely wet – which grosses my wife AND me out.
As for pet ownership lowering incidence of heart attack and stroke, I’m pretty sure they are talking about normal cats. Not my cats, which probably increase the odds for such occurrences by 50% with their constant fights (which scare the crap out of my son) and crapping and puking which annoy me to no end.
The YouTube videos sound funny, I’ll have to look them up. I still enjoy watching OTHER people’s cats!
I love cats and I don’t have carpet. Carpet has even more bugs and germs in them and I would say a health hazard (bugs and chemicals from the materials). A little washable rug here or there where it is necessary is ok. I had a cat who used to throw up every third day and I stepped in it a few times but I can’t be mad at her for being a cat. She had long hair so she was throwing up furballs except in the end of her long life she was throwing up because of illness. I hope you did not give away your cats – I am sure they and your son will be very attached. A dog is nice but not as clean as a cat -just make sure that the litterbox is ALWAYS clean. Cats are innocent little animals and should never be mistreated.
While I was reading this, I kept thinking is this my husband writing this…lol! His feelings and thoughts are identical to yours. We both use to be cat lovers before we had our three kids. I swear each time we have a new kid, we hate them even more. They have ruined SOOOOOO many things in our house! One of them pukes all the time. It is so disgusting!!!! Now one has also decided to start pooping on the floor in the basement (This is now the only place they are allowed in the house.) It stinks so bad! My husband and I are so tired of cleaning it up. Tried adding another litter box, but that didn’t work. Have now decided to go to drastic measures by calling our local animal shelter. Don’t want to do it, but feel like the cat has given us no choice. How many weeks can you keep cleaning up poop off your floor? It has already been around 3. Believe me we feel your pain!!!!