Goodbye, Halloween theme! Blogger Dad is back with a slightly different look. Let me know what you think of the logo and color scheme. I’ve been running around the past few days attempting to get a lot done. I’ll get current with all my comments later today. Thank you for your patience.
(note: this piece originally appeared elsewhere in February. But since I just started this blog two months ago, I doubt any of you have read it.)
(another note: This piece has the distinction of being the first thing I wrote which ticked my wife off. And yet, I post it again.)
(and yet another note: Sorry, baby. I told you that I sometimes exaggerate for comedic effect.)
I had to install a car seat this weekend. Baby Wright (at nine months) has already outgrown his first seat. Kid is tall! Must be all those toxins in the toys he seems to carry around in his mouth.
I’m not sure who installed our first car seat, my wife must’ve found some guy more mechanically inclined than myself, which could’ve been Richard Simmons for all I know. So, I set out to install this monstrosity (sucker is big) into the car, figuring it can’t be THAT difficult. Right?
Then I read the instruction manual.
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!
I like to think I’m a fairly intelligent guy. My job as a reporter oftentimes immerses me in complex issues that I have little experience or knowledge of. It is my job to quickly get up to speed on such things in order to explain them to readers in a way that makes it seem like I actually know what I‘m talking about.
If I had to write a story on how to install a car seat, I don’t think I could. Not unless it’s a photo essay of me jumping up and down on the thing while cursing.
I’m not sure WHO the instruction manual is written for (guys with engineering degrees? rocket scientists? ) but it certainly didn’t make any sense to me.
Oh, I tried to figure it out. I even managed to get some straps connected to The Anchors. However, the car seat was still loose. I considered just grabbing some duct tape and bungee cords, but since it’s The Baby, I actually have to Do Things The Right Way. I can usually figure things like this out by looking at them for a while. When that invariably fails, I look for someone who actually Knows What They’re Doing.
Luckily, my boss was working on the weekend, and I was able to ask him for assistance. Having installed many a car seats, he was able to do this one with relative ease. He certainly didn’t refer to the thing as a Mother F-word-er… Seventeen times (like I did).
This weekend I have another Baby Project. I have to install a baby gate in the house to keep my son from wandering out of the safety of our living room. My wife has a fear that he will wander into the kitchen and start snacking from the cat’s litter box. I would call the fear irrational if E hadn’t already tried.
Goodbye, freedom
Man, I remember a time when I could actually do what I wanted on the weekend! I could draw comics, relax, watch some TV. Not anymore though… Somehow, my time has ceased to be my own.
Let this serve as a lesson to all you people out there (teens and adults alike) not to have sex. Remember, sex leads to car seats and baby gates.
I say if some of these morality police-types want to stop unmarried people from having sex, they ought to just create a public service announcement with some miserable guy trying to put baby stuff together. Underneath, could be some text, reading, “Remember when you were able to watch the game? Parenthood – it’s all car seats and baby gates.”
I could almost see the lines forming for vasectomies.
as always, thanks for reading.
coming tomorrow: The baby gate project and more cursing.
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When my son was born he was a doddle. Not baby gates needed. No fridge locks or kitchen cupboard locks (have you ever tried fitting those? No nor me, tha’s hubby’s department).
So our daughter comes along and we need to bolt EVERYTHING down. Hubby puts up a stairgate. She can open it within 2 days. Cupboard locks? She tries it out a couple of times, stares hard at it for a minute or so and then FIGURES OUT HOW TO OPEN THEM.
Hubby has now given up the ghost and says if I want something protecting I’ll have to figure out how to fit it myself or just never buy anything valuable again!
And now she’s old enough not to sit in one of those montrosity chairs? She keeps undoing the belt buckle herself.
Taras last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: What’s the first single you ever bought?
Unlike you BD I’m not fairly intelligent. I couldn’t figure out your use of the phonetic alphabet.
It wasn’t until you kept reminding me of your filthy potty mouth that I realised. You’re disgusting.
You could take a lesson from WriterDad today. He locks his curse words in a cupboard. Probably the same one in which he keeps his adult art collection.
LMAO @ the potential solution using duct tape and bungee cords.
Ah yes, freedom. Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose, And nothing aint worth nothing but its free.
Tara: Don’t let your daughter anywhere near the controls of the car! Vrooooom!
Dave Fowlers last blog post..What I Learnt From Crashing The Car – Part 2
I’ll bet you’re one of us. We know that “Some Assembly Required” is really a terrorist message.
Betsys last blog post..COMPASS
I love it. Little do people know, I heard just a bit of cussing coming from the garage while Jeff was installing all of your car seats.
Jen, buried with childrens last blog post..A Mother’s Birthday Wish
Cursing and needing an Anger Management course. Those are the two reasons I drag out the tools and the instruction manuals. I put all baby related things together. Husband does big things like entertainment centers. I do cribs, changing tables and installing car seats. I call him should I need an extra muscle or two.
It saves me from being angry at him for being angry at the ‘thing’.
When my daughter was born, we had the car seat in the trunk of our car. I did not think to install it until we were ready to leave the hospital. How hard could it be, right? Thirty of the sweatiest minutes I ever spent were in that parking lot. I cursed plenty, but it was all in my head (which incidentally, Dave F. is where I keep the majority of my art collection) or in between exhales and under my breath. After seven years, and one preschool later, I am now the McGyver of car seats.
Writer Dads last blog post..Let’s Get Our Kids Drunk! or Happy Halloween!
The key to installing a car seat is to buy a swimming pool noodle. Then cut a length that will fit in the space in the fold where the back of the car’s seat (not car seat) meets the bottom of the car’s seat (think of the letter L). This gives the car seat something to snug up to. It’s what our local fire department uses. Say – you could have your local fire department install the next car seat. Ours does this on Wednesdays.
If all else fails there is a gizmo you can buy that will tighten the seat belt like a winch. I can’t remember where my old co-worker got it … maybe Target or Wal-mart.
Remember there should be less than 1 inch of “play” in the movement of the car seat!
LizPs last blog post..11/04/08 Voting Day!
Remember when we rolled around on the back deck of the car, meandered freely across the back seat, and even wallowed on the floor or wandered the wilds of the back area of a station wagon, unbelted, un-tethered, unfettered by trifling things like safety?
Yeah, those were the days.
Meanwhile, your local fire station can usually help, or the sheriff’s office.
And Dads? Aren’t the only ones who lose time…I used to be able to spend the weekend working on a quilt, pack up and drive off to wherever I wished with nothing more than clean underdrawers, a few dollars, and a song in my heart, and could spend as much money on yarn as my withered little heart desired.
Not any more.
Worth the trade, though.
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
Kyddryns last blog post..Stand Back, They Spit
WD sometimes it’s what YOU don’t say that speaks volumes about you.
LMAO @ “the majority”
“Thirty of the sweatiest minutes I ever spent were in that parking lot.” – There are just so many reasons why I shouldn’t make a joke about this statement. Hehehehe.
Dave Fowlers last blog post..What I Learnt From Crashing The Car – Part 2
I just popped back because I realized that I didn’t tell you how awesome the site looks, Dave. You are a super talented guy, and I can’t wait to see you bust a move on a bigger dance floor. Dave F., that is a high compliment. Thank you.
Everyone, whose for coming up with official nicknames for the two Daves so that we may all use shorthand?
How about Limey and Winner of the Revolution?
Writer Dads last blog post..Let’s Get Our Kids Drunk! or Happy Halloween!
Hey BD, we’ve all been there I assure you!! Our first lad had a car seat, but we had no back seat to the car!! (Hadn’t managed to get rid of the sports car) so we wedged him in the tiny space behind the front seats and the boot! Wouldn’t be allowed to travel like that nowadays what with the dreaded health and safety police, but it was fine at the time!
Like the new layout, a tad homer simpson-ish??
Scribble
Scribbles last blog post..I have a dream
We don’t have kids yet, but their is one baking in the oven as we speak.
I certainly look forward to these ‘humbling’ moments.
“Remember, sex leads to car seats and baby gates.”
I’ll try to keep that in mind the next time Liz get’s the crazy idea that we should start baking.
Eric.
Eric Hamms last blog post..Personal Responsibility: Making Wise Choices Regardless Of The Financial Forecast
Oh, and I forgot to mention, the theme looks GREAT! The colors, the header, it’s all very unique and appealing to the eye. I’d say you’ve found your personal ‘brand’. Eric.
Eric Hamms last blog post..I Voted: Now Where’s My Sticker?
I was thinking about that last night. Baby was asleep and I wanted to get out. I will probably be sixty, old and frail before I get my freedom back. But when I do… My wheel chair will be flying!
orlunds last blog post..The Charming Blog Award.
(shifts feet nervously in vasectomy line…)
Jay
Jay @ Halftime Lessonss last blog post..Wordful Wednesday: Watch yer mouth, kid.
Nice site changes – looking good, It must be because of the 40 thing?
I have a car seat story: I was taking care of my 2.5 year old nephew for a week and my baby was about 9 months and already wall walking. The car seat law had just gone into effect and I was driving the kids home from a play date. In the middle of down town I saw the police lights in my rear view mirror…I pulled into a parking lot. My nephew had figured out his car seat and liberated the both of them and they were waving out the back window at the police car! I got two tickets for $250.00 each kid out of the required car seat…no lie. I have never met another person who has gotten a ticket for no kid in car seat!….Have you?
And then there is the poverty that accompanies parenting!
I am so glad I am done with that phase…and Grand parenting does not seem to be in my future…
I have a few baby gate stories too…but I will save them for my posts!
Thank you
Really like your new design stuff
Patricias last blog post..Hats off to Elizabeth Cady Stanton and the Revising Committee
Vasectomies via fists was paramount on my mind when my husband first installed a car seat. Like Writer Dad, the hubs didn’t think to install it before he came to hospital to collect his bruised and leaky breasted wife and newborn son. No siree! It was December and as I was freezing my milk ducts off in the car park, he hands me the instruction manual. (Of course – he is completely unable to read anything entitiled, ‘instructions’ except the condom packet.) Then he flaps about trying to fit the carseat as me and the baby both cry. Loudly.
Oh those happy days of early parenting. Such joyous and special moments eh?
Mom/Mums last blog post..There’s A Baby In My Belly?
Really like the new design btw..
Mom/Mums last blog post..There’s A Baby In My Belly?
Tara – LOL, she sounds like Braniac! You might have to get heavy duty padlocks. If she’s able to pick them, then you need to find a way to put those skills to use!
Dave – Me, a potty mouth? GTFO! I tried locking my curse words away, but they broke loose and came back with a vengeance.
Betsy – LOL. That might explain why half the instructions are in a language I don’t understand.
Jen – Just a bit? Well, Jeff is a better man than me. Or he knows how to install car seats.
Trish – I’ll show this to my wife the next time she gets mad at me for cursing at inanimate objects.
Writer Dad – Cursed in your head? Sheesh, is EVERYBODY more patient than me? HUH?! SOMEONE ANSWER ME ALREADY, DAMMIT!
LizP – Thanks for the tip! As for the fire department, after I gave up, I tried them. I left that part out of the story, but I drove around to three different fire stations (because they say stop by anytime and we can do it for you). Well, I happened to pick the one day of the week that nobody who knew how to install the seats was working.
Kyddryn – Yeah, I know, moms give up time, too. But at least in my wife’s case, she knew what she was getting into. She has always been surrounded by children and has always wanted children. For me, it was quite the culture shock. I used to think that stay at home moms and dads had it easy and could get all sorts of stuff done and pretty much just relax all day. Wow, was I wrong on that one!
Writer Dad – thanks for commenting on the design. And yes, a bigger dance floor would give me some room to break out my cardboard and showcase my break dancing moves.
Scribble – No back seat? However did you conceive a child?! As for the design, thank you. Now that you mention it, I do look a bit like Homer. Believe me, it was not my intention. And I certaintly don’t LOOK like Homer!
Eric – Thank you. Though, I’m sure that the site design will change as often as the seasons (or moreso). I can’t help it, I’m a design freak! Once I learn CSS, I might actually get dangerous with this thing.
Orlund – I could picture you like a dog staring out the window at other dogs playing, just like that old Far Side comic.
Jay – Thanks for stopping by. And save me a number in that line, would ya?
Patricia – Thank you on the design comment. I’m not 40, though. That’s Dave Fowler. I’m still a couple of years away and bracing for impact. LOL! That is a funny story!! And yes, I am living the poverty thing right now. I’m not sure how the hell people afford to have children! Thank you for the design comment.
Mom/Mum – That is funny! Well, now that you can look back and laugh (and your husband’s crotch has healed from the punches). And thanks for the design nod.
Sorry for the mix up…one does not want to pass a milestone any sooner than necessary…I do like the new design. My husband and oldest daughter love to design things…I envy you that skill and joy!
Patricias last blog post..Hats off to Elizabeth Cady Stanton and the Revising Committee
My kids figured out EVERYTHING and got into EVERYTHING. So I gave up on gates, and just made sure that EVERYTHING in the whole house was ok to get destroyed.
And after a few tries at the pet food, they give up. Mostly. It doesn’t taste so great…
GreenJellos last blog post..Funniest Thing I’ve Seen In Ages