(Warning: If you are a woman or a woman who happens to be married to me, you may not want to read this post.)
My wife asked if I can watch E Saturday morning. She’s going to a party.
A party? Who has a party in the morning?
This isn’t REALLY a party, though. It’s one of those “parties” where women invite EVERYBODY they’ve ever known to their house where some “consultant” attempts to sell them overpriced cookware, er I’m sorry, kitchen tools.
THAT is not a party. That is a sales presentation.
And while my wife seems to enjoy the prospect of going to someone’s house to watch someone show off the latest in handy plastic and Teflon coated doo-dads, it sounds to me like two hours of Pure Unadulterated Hell.
“But you get prizes,” my wife explained.
Great, just what we need, another egg fluffer thingamabob or strainer that‘s too damned small to strain anything other than a tiny can of peas! We’ve already got a cabinet full of these “prizes” from the previous “parties” she’d gone to.
“Do you really need to go to this party?” I asked. It’s not like we’re rolling in dough at the moment.
She assured me that she doesn’t plan to buy anything.
Yeah, right.
I know how these “parties” go. Some woman guilt trips her friends and co-workers to come to her house so someone higher up the company food chain (the consultant making the REAL money by convincing a bunch of other women to host these parties) can sell to them. I tell you now, if a guy I know invited me to some sales presentation disguised as a party, I’d likely hit him over the head with a Teflon pan.
But for some reason, women get excited about these damned parties.
I happened to walk in on one of these parties once. If you’re a guy, I highly recommend staying as far away as you can. You will never look at your wife the same. Women become some sort of different creature at these things!
They all gather round and chat while cooking or baking something using the latest in overpriced products. Then they all go “ooh” and “ahh” and even clap like the ladies on Oprah, when Oprah gives the audience a book or something.
And then the hostess passes out order forms and asks you to purchase something.
Now here’s the thing about that.
You can’t be a jerk and NOT order something.
That would be rude. Especially after this friend just invited you to this awesome “party”. To turn the screws a bit tighter, the consultant tells the women that the more they buy, the more “free stuff” the hostess of the party will get. So, now you HAVE to buy crap because your friend is eying that super expensive pan that lets you cook four pancakes at once.
Four pancakes at once, I tell you!
So even though you can’t afford it, you buy something on the list. And there’s a good chance that you bought something just expensive enough to help your friend get some extra points towards her free crap but not expensive enough to be of any practical use around YOUR house.
You know, like a $20 can opener that doesn’t open cans.
True story – my wife bought just such a can opener from one of these parties. She swore up and down that even though it was hand held and non-mechanical, it was the Best Can Opener Ever! It opens cans in such a way that it doesn’t leave any sharp edges and you can (wait for it, guys) EVEN put the lid back on the can!
You’d think it could cure the swine flu or something (way to work in the topical, Dave) the way my wife was going on about it. It was more expensive than any can opener I ever bought, but hey, what do I know, I’m just a guy.
So four months later, the can opener stopped opening cans. Only, my wife refuses to admit this. She will sit there and struggle with this damned thing, turning it over and over and over and over for 10 minutes, rather than admitting that she bought a crappy, overpriced can opener.
I like to be a bit more dramatic, you know, just to call attention to the fact that it is in fact, the WORST CAN OPENER EVER!
I turn it and turn it until I can get a little groove in the can. Then, I stick my fingers into the small crevice I made and start grunting and then rip the can open all Hercules-style! This is much more impressive than it sounds!
We’ve had this can opener for almost six years.
And I’m not buying a new one until she admits that I’m right.
And cookware parties aren’t the only crazy sales presentations these women host in their homes. Now they’re selling candles.
Yes, CANDLES!
A party to sell candles!
I feel like I should just take a bow now because I’ve proven just how crazy women really are.
And this is when I realized that they aren’t crazy. They are geniuses!
It’s not about the party, though women do love any chance to get together and make food and gab. This is about having an excuse to buy overpriced crap. You see, if our wives went to the store and bought this expensive stuff, when there were perfectly reasonably priced alternatives, we’d probably take issue with it.
But since it’s a “party” they have an excuse and we can’t say anything.
Well, I demand equality. I want a party, too!
I think it’s high time that guys start hosting “parties” and inviting all their obnoxious friends over to the house to barbecue, drink, play video games or some other “guy-thing” and then WE can have an excuse to blow money on overpriced gadgets.
And the first thing I’m gonna buy at one of these parties is a damned can opener that works!
To any women I may have offended, let me make it up to you with a link to a funny post about these kinds of parties that also features half naked guys.
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Penn & Teller did a bit on Network Marketing on Bullshit! that did have one for men. It’s called Man Cave, and they sell meat to men. Meat.
As a woman, I also feel the need to add that we don’t ALL like these “parties.” I find them creepy, annoying, and insulting.