Jealous Dad?
Me and E
Now I know how a lot of moms might feel.
One of my son’s female daycare teachers recently moved out of state. While I might have caused my kindergarten teacher to quit teaching, I don’t think my son caused his teacher to move. At any rate, he now has a male teacher, who he talks about with a huge grin on his face. The guy’s name is is Mr. Dave.
Yes, the guy stole my name!
“I hit Mr. Dave with a ball today,” my son said, smiling.
“You hit him? Was he upset?”
“No,” E said, “he laughed. We were playing.”
Then my son proceeded to laugh as he recalled the moment. And then some more moments. For the first time in my life as a parent, I felt the oddest feeling…
jealousy.
Jealous of a teacher spending time with my son! Given that on some days, I’m wishing I could hand my son over to a teacher for a few hours, just so I can get some work done or some quiet time, I was utterly shocked by this feeling.
I hadn’t given this new feeling much thought in the two weeks since Mr. Dave started teaching my son.
Then tonight, I was running late getting E. By the time I arrived at the school, all the other students had gone home. Before entering my son’s room, I took a peek in the little window which is about head high.
Inside, my son was on the floor sitting down right next to Mr. Dave, playing with Lego’s. And E was having a blast! They looked like a happy father and son playing together. And I felt that twinge again.
Until now, E has only had female teachers. It never once bothered me when he bonded closely with them. After all, you kind of expect it, especially given that most young children’s teachers are women.
Which made me wonder, is this how mothers feel the first time that their child bonds with another woman? Are they jealous of the bond or when their child talks glowingly about the teacher?
The logical center of my brain knows that this is a silly emotion. Insecurity is the root of almost all jealousy and I’m not particularly insecure of my fathering skills – even if I can’t paint a straight line or put up a baby fence without cursing like a sailor.
However, I’m still a bit jealous.
I suppose at the heart of the matter, is that I know this closeness I feel with my son isn’t going to last forever.
Something happens between most men and their sons around puberty, where kids essentially lose their brains to some disease which kills all traces of logic and self control. There’s a drifting apart which is never quite bridged completely. Not among most sons and fathers that I know of, anyway. I dread this moment in raising my child.
The jealousy monster wonders crazy thoughts:
- Does my son have more fun with Mr. Dave than me?
- Is Mr. Dave a better role model (he’s skinny and fit while I’m roughly the size of some household furniture) than I am?
And of course, and man, I feel weak saying this,
- Does he like Mr. Dave more than he likes me?
I know all this is silly, and I’m not typically a jealous person. This time it’s a bit different, though. I feel like I am getting a flash of a future I don’t care to see.
At some point, parents stop being the infallible heroes and stars in their children’s eyes and instead become something else entirely— flawed humans which are all too mortal.
I knew I would experience this. I simply didn’t think I’d experience it this soon.
What do you think? Is this a common experience among the parents out there who read this? Feel free to share your story.
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My daughter has a male teacher this year. I actually really am enjoying it. My husband is in Afghanistan right now and it is good that she has some sort of male influence in her life. I mean we have Sam the cat here at the house, but he is neutered, so I don’t think it really counts.
Kat´s last blog ..Dear So and So…NOT Out for the Count!!
That’s good that she has that. And I’m sure it’s a good thing that my son has another male influence in his life. He is outnumbered by girls like a billion to one, after all.
Awww…it’s okay, honey. I have come to expect E to bond with his caregivers (it’s comforting to know he feels safe and happy with them) and I haven’t really felt any jealousy as a mom. Now, when Nana is around, I’m chopped liver. But that’s what Nanas are for! E loves you. You’re his daddy. School is different.
Thank you. I know it. I just wrote what I was feeling, but it passes. Especially after a long day with a cranky E.
You’re human, dude. That’s all. Jealousy swipes at us at the oddest times. Not always when we expect it. E loves you AT LEAST 932,321,459,302 times more than Mr. Dave.
Sean Platt´s last blog ..What if careers are slowly dying?
Yeah, but probably not as much as you love the iPad.
It’s normal I think, this sudden pull, the realisation that you wont always be the centre of his universe. I am bopth looking forward to and dreading my two starting school. got a few more years left yet tho, they don’t start here until they’re 7.
Heather´s last blog ..Lose Your Blues
I’m dreading real school for entirely other reasons. Seven? Wow! That’s late.
For me the ‘jealous/struggle with ‘loosing” my kids occured over them spending more and more time with friends – the kind of time where the hours turn into staying for supper, and extends into sleep overs, not to mention the boyfriend – oh lordy. Thankful my son is still a bit of a home body and girls are still icky to him…
When it came to teachers, I was grateful for those who actually showed a true interest as Mr. Dave shows – it takes a village, right?
I’m with you on lamenting the time when they realise how flawed we are – came way too soon in this house…
Yeah, good teachers are all too rare, in my experience, so it’s good to know that there are some great ones where I live.
I have been there myself and the tough part is that you know your mostly being ridiculous but that doesn’t help. Like Trina said above it is great to have another person in your sons life that cares and that your son responds to. It’s the old head-heart disconnect. Your head knows it’s good while your heart breaks a little.
SAHD PDX´s last blog ..schedules and the keeping of them
Well said. I agree completely.
First – LOVE the picture of you two!
Second – he won’t love or respond to his teacher the way he will with you. I used to get a little funny feeling, too, when my kids would be so attached with teachers, but really? It’s a good thing. But you will always be “daddy” and that will NEVER EVER change.
It’s when they become attached to other girls (or boys if you have daughters) that trouble begins.
Kool Aid´s last blog ..And now there’s a needle involved
Never say “never.” I’m quite convinced that the teenage years will have my son calling me everything BUT daddy. Those are the years I REALLY dread.
Make your son refer to you as “Dr. Dave.” That’s one better than Mr. Dave and should make you feel immediately superior.
I’m full of great ideas, aren’t I?
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Thanks,
Dr. Dave.
Eh, I don’t really look like the doctor type. And my handwriting is waaaay too neat.
Ah, yes: “At some point, parents stop being the infallible heroes and stars in their children’s eyes and instead become something else entirely— flawed humans which are all too mortal.” That’s a tough realization.
Somewhere along the line I learned to let go of that possessive, jealous mamma feeling. I’m a logic-minded person, so I think I convinced myself that it’s great for my kids to have strong relationships with other adults. I told myself I was glad they didn’t have to learn everything from me—it took some of the pressure off.
It’s a good thing, too, because when my kids were 3 and 5 their dad and I got divorced, and now we’re both remarried. So they have a stepmom! And I think she’s wonderful, which is, of course, a relief. But can you imagine the potential for jealousy when it comes to stepparents? I think it’s a miracle, of sorts, that it doesn’t plague me in the least.
That’s cool that you all can get a long like that. I’ve seen too many kids caught up in the whole stepparent battles.
Guaranteed that he does NOT like Mr. Dave better than his Daddy. Lukas is the same age and I know that daddy rules!
Seattledad (Luke, I am Your Father)´s last blog ..Signs of ‘No’ Life
LOL, thanks!
Yes, I do know exactly how you feel – you do feel stupid for feeling this way, and something will happen to make you less uneasy – you know deep down dads are best
– just for now rejoice that he has a great teacher that actually does spend time with him. This will set him up for liking school a great achievement 
Looking forward to new site, tomorrow is it ?
Michelle Harris´s last blog ..Are you a geek?
Good point – it’s important that he enjoys school. Yes, the new site is up – hope you’re enjoying it! Thank you.
That is something I haven’t even thought about. Hopefully our son has female teachers so I don’t have to deal with this one. I might get a bit jealous too.
Otter´s last blog ..Exponential Growth
Yeah, let your wife deal with the jealousy
Daddys are always their sons greatest heros (even when they are older and don’t want to admit it). My dad has always been a part of our lives and for that I will always be greatful. Mr. Dave is showing the love that my dad has shown to us and many others (yes, Mr. Dave is my brother) We learned at an early age to show kindness to others, treat people how we would like to be treated, etc… (although we are human and have our faults)
And yes, it is understandable to become jealous at times when your child loves going to school (or grandma’s house) and spending time with other adults.
But, always know when he really needs someone, he will be calling your name………….. :0)
Thanks, Diane. Now I feel a bit awkward. I didn’t think anybody from the school read my blog. I’ve got no issues at all with Mr. Dave. Though I felt jealousy, it was just because this is the first time I’ve had to share E with another guy, but I’m over it. More than anything, I’m glad that he has a teacher that he likes. That’s the most important thing to me. Thank you for commenting.
As for the last thing you said, when he really needs someone, he’ll call for me. No, I lose to mommy on that one. She’s the first person he cries out for.
LOL………….OK, Mommy and then you…………….. :0)
I know that you don’t have issues with Mr. Dave. I actually think it is comforting knowing that Dads feel the same way that Moms feel at times.
As for your blog, I love it!! Keep up the good work (both blogging and as a Daddy to your little man)
I admire your honesty BD.
I’m a male teacher and try not to get too close to my kids, as I want to make sure they see me as a teacher and not another parent. I have to tell you, it is not easy. I fall in love with each and every child I teach, and I get jealous to know that you parents get to take them home while I only get them an hour each week!
Think about it, you forge strong permanent relationships with your children while teachers have the temporary “fun” hang outs with them. It’s totally not the same. As much as I love being a teacher, I can’t wait to have my own kid.
Anthony´s last blog ..Robert De Niro Gives An Acting Lesson
Beautiful!
I love the photo of you two
yep being a parent offers every emotion under the sun… and sometimes all in one day.
best wishes
Ribbon