Want to see a cute picture of my son? Of course you do. I didn’t think you came here for my scintillating writing. Just in case the pic is too cute, don’t worry, there is a VERY gross story which follows.
My wife snapped this awesome picture of our son (who I will refer to as ‘E’ from now on to protect him from future embarrassment my posts may bring) after he finished dinner the other night. And while the pic looks similar to an image of Calvin dining on something gross his mother made, bad food was not the cause of this expression. Earlier in the day, while I was watching E, he’d been absentmindedly sticking his tongue out. It was the cutest thing. So I told my wife what she missed and she tried to get a repeat performance. This was his attempt. My wife laughed no less than ten minutes straight as she kept looking at the digital display on the camera over and over.
So, I decided to use Parenting magazine’s cover maker and turned her photo into this:
In case you are wondering about that bottom headline, that is where the gross story comes in.
The Grossest thing you will read today
We usually keep our son in the living room via a series of baby gates and fences. This protects him from the kitchen, laundry room and the other less baby-friendly areas of the house. Sometimes however, and by sometimes I mean always, my son whines because he hates to be separated from us. So sometimes we let him follow us beyond the gate while we do chores.
One day, my wife was cleaning something in the kitchen when she looked up and saw that E was about to take a chomp out of something in his hand. She couldn’t tell it was. At first she thought it might be cheerios which he frequently throws across the room (or hides in various spots) for later munching. However, she wanted to be sure he didn’t find a quarter or some other choking hazard. Suddenly, she realized how close he was to the litter box.
I should probably mention here that my wife is so germphobic that she has nightmares of our son getting a hold of cat poop and eating it. And as she points out, cat feces has deadly bacteria which can be deadly to a child if they eat it. However, and I know this from past experience, dogs can apparently fish cat poop from the litterbox and munch on it all damned day with no ill effects whatsoever.
Panic raced through my wife as she shot across the room, with all the adrenaline of a mother rushing to lift a car off her child, grabbing wildly for his hand as it arced upwards and… into his mouth.
I’m fairly certain that her scream is still racing through space into distant galaxies, where a civilization several thousands of light years away will someday hear it, trace it back to Earth, and call off all plans for contact, fearing that we are a barbarian lot.
Luckily, she got to his hand before he snacked on the crunchy treat. She smacked his hand, sending the poo skidding across the floor. She then gathered E up and rushed him to the sink, where she scrubbed his hands over and over and over and over and over with god knows how many different cleaning agents.
So, what’s the grossest thing your child has ever done, or almost done?
This is a true story:
I’m ten years old, and cleaning out the litter box. I have all the nuggets piled into a dish and I offer them to my mom. As a joke, I say, “Almond Roca?” which is her favorite treat. “Sure,” she says. She picks up the poop and puts it toward her mouth. I had to drop the dish and hit the poop from her hand. It’s one of her favorite stories.
My son is usually pretty good about disgusting things.
My puppy got a good bunch of my son’s poop though. It appears that he can’t get enough of it anymore. We always know when our boy needs a diaper change because the puppy is suddenly sniffing at his butt, trying to get some more.
My daughter, likes to hide things in her car seat, much like E does, for later pilfering and munching. One day we were in the car, headed somehwere and out of the corner of my eye I see her eating something with great delight. It doesn’t come to a realization until my brain says “Yo, dude, you didn’t give her anything to eat when you put her in the carseat!”
I take another look back and it is a chicken nugget from Chik-fil-A, only problem is, we had not been to that establishment in at least 3 weeks. After I snatched it from her I noticed it was moldy and such…mmmm penicilin
Writer Dad – Remind me not to eat at your house.
Matthew – Thank you for proving my theory that dogs have no discernible taste.
Sal – Wow, that is only slightly grosser than if she ate a ‘fresh’ chicken tender from Burger King.
Your story as well as Writer Dad’s are hilarious!!
My daughter used to take hours to finish her meal. Her mouth takes hours to chew down food. One time she took a nap after a meal. When she woke up, I was disgusted to find that there was still some more food in her mouth.
Evelyn – Thank you for the kind words. As for your story, that is pretty gross. Perhaps she is taking after a hamster by storing food in her cheeks for later?
How about digging in the load in his pants and spreading the findings all over the TV? Have I won?
New Age Bitch – Welcome to the site. And yes, you win. Give me your address, I will send your prize. (Hint: It’s got corn in it)