My Tiger Woods Apology

In light of the recent Tiger Woods controversy, and his subsequent apology to his wife for his transgressions, I’d like to take this moment to confess and apologize for my own transgressions.

Although I am a well-known blogger and have made my career in the white hot spotlight of blogging, that doesn’t make my life an open book for media vultures. Sure, I sold my son’s baby photos to People Magazine for millions, named my son Sony in exchange for a Playstation 3, and regularly spill the most intimate of details of my family’s life in my blog, podcast, Twitter and in other various social media avenues, but I still value the virtue of my privacy.

I must ask that the tabloids and my tens of readers respect my family in this, our most troubled and personal of times, as we attempt to pick up the pieces and carry on some semblance of a normal life.

At any rate, here is a list of my transgressions and an apology.

I’m sorry to my wife for the following:

  • When I say I cleaned the litter box yesterday, I usually meant that I cleaned it six days ago.
  • Sometimes when I do the dishes, and come across a particularly nasty stuck-on mess, I throw the dishes away rather than wash them.
  • All those times I said it wasn’t me who farted …. it was.
  • Sometimes I leave the toilet seat up on purpose. Why? I figure that since you’re shorter, and thus closer to the toilet, it’s easier for you to put the seat down rather than having me bend down each and every time I need to urinate.
  • Sometimes  I cry tear up during sad movies. And football games.
  • Remember how I said we needed to cancel cable a year ago to save money? It was really just an effort to avoid watching weepy Lifetime movies.
  • Sometimes when I say I need to go to the bathroom, I am really just sneaking in some private reading time.

I hope my that sponsors, namely Bob’s Big Ass Big and Tall,  will understand and continue to support me.

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16 Responses to My Tiger Woods Apology

  1. Terry says:

    This is very funny. I posted on my facebook wall.
    .-= Terry´s last blog ..No More Rush Days =-.

  2. Writer Dad says:

    This is hysterical! I’ll post it on my Facebook wall right now as well. Great idea, Terry!

    I’d like to apologize for my transgressions, especially how every rom com seems to accidentally get scratched or has a “very long wait” at Netflix.
    .-= Writer Dad´s last blog ..I Finished a Manuscript, Wanna Help? =-.

  3. David says:

    Uh oh, those are pretty major. I’d hide your golf clubs if I were you.
    .-= David´s last blog ..Chanukah =-.

  4. Heather says:

    brilliant! Actualy made me laugh out loud when I got to no.2
    .-= Heather´s last blog ..Giving the finger… =-.

  5. Too funny. That’s the best toilet seat explanation I’ve ever heard! Nice job on the lead-up, too. You clearly value your privacy, and deserve for it to be respected. :)
    .-= Kristin T. (@kt_writes)´s last blog ..Pack a Survivalist Kit fit for life’s mishaps =-.

  6. itchii says:

    love your post :) )
    hahhhaa! it reminds me of this Whitcoulls ad I chanced upon. do watch it!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Xs47it70Fk

  7. Aren’t you clever this week! First your brilliant Star Wars analogy and now Tiger. Pretty funny stuff. I suspect that there is a very long list of men who can hand this to their wives and say, “What he said…”.
    Thanks for the entertainment.
    M

  8. Trina says:

    Bwahaha! Something tells me your wife knows what you’re up to…. glad you didn’t miss this opportunity to share your wit. Perhaps you’ve seen this, and forgive the paraphrasing from a tweet: the real reason Tiger hit a tree and a hydrant – he had trouble choosing a wood or an iron….

  9. jessica says:

    oh, thank you for this, thank you so so much. I really needed the laugh today.
    .-= jessica´s last blog ..*##@!!*%!! =-.

  10. My husband could definitely say “What He Said!” And a lot more I am sure. I laughed and laughed and then I thought about my little list and what would be on it and I stopped laughing. Do I dare? Should I apologize and spill my mommy beans? Nope. I will remain perfect in my hubbies eyes (yeah right!)

    Great list and lead in.
    .-= Brittany at Mommy Words´s last blog ..Folks, My Belly Ain’t Half Full =-.

  11. Otter says:

    It takes a real man to own up to all those farts. Way to go.
    .-= Otter´s last blog ..Random Tuesday Thoughts =-.