NO!
(Note: I originally wrote this in February 2008, when E was 10 months old. Man, that seems like so long ago! This is the first time it is appearing on this site)
Raising your first child, there are many ‘firsts’ you look forward to. Their first awareness of you, their first real smile, first gurgling noises, first attempts at words, first time they turn over, crawl, stand, walk, and others I can only imagine at this early stage.
Then there are firsts you don’t look forward to.
For the first time since I became a dad I had to use discipline.
E is 10 months old and though I have no knowledge of other kids at this age, people say he is a good boy. Of course, I can’t imagine a child not being good this young. I would think acting out would not come until later, either as they test their freedom or as a parent, you start screwing up. We’ve not reached either point… yet.
However, while playing today, E smacked me in the face - repeatedly.
I laughed it off at first ( I know, wrong message ) because a) he had this big goofy grin on his face as he clumsily struck me and b) I knew he was probably playing some form of the “got your nose” or the “bonk your nose” game he plays with my mother-in-law. (mental note: tell Nana no more nose bonking games).
I’m sure he thinks he is playing, having fun and interacting with me. After he hit me, he was watching. He was smiling wide, his curious eyes waiting to see how I would respond.
Part of me wondered if he was in fact testing me, or simply watching my reaction because so much of what we do is a cause and effect relationship. He loves nothing more than to do something which causes daddy to make a goofy face. Well, a goofier face than usual.
His intent was certainly innocent, but I couldn’t help but wonder if this is the point where he begins to test boundaries?
So I asked my wife how to respond.
She said,”tell him ‘no’”
So, the next time it happened, I said, “no” in a deeper-than-normal dad voice, but not in any way as terrifying as I can be, say, when yelling at a certain giant runaway dog to stop running as I chase him through my neighborhood.
He did it again.
“No,” I said in that booming DAD voice.
Instantly, my son’s face changed.
His happy, playful countenance was replaced with a look of confusion. His eyes wide, looking unbelievably at me, and starting to water. Then his lower lip trembled, he turned downward as if ashamed, and began to cry. I tried to hug him but he wanted mommy.
And It broke my heart.
Especially since I know he didn’t mean to “hit” me.
So, this is what it feels like to be the “bad guy” the “wait ’til your father gets home” guy. I must say, it sucks. At the same time, I know it had to be done, because we don’t want him to hit others (even if his intent is to play) so I had to say “no”.
My wife saw how shaken up I was and she supported me by, of course, laughing at me.
Despite all my bragging how I will be a disciplinarian and will raise a respectful child, I melted at my first test.
“You’re going to be such a pushover,” she said laughing.
She has far more experience dealing with kids, and of course she’ll know all the right things to do. Me, on the other hand, who knows?
I’d like to think I know how to handle these situations.
God, to think that everything I do now, good or bad, could affect him his whole life – that’s a lot to live up to.
A part of me is sad that the all-trusting bond between my son and I was broken for the first time. I imagine it only gets harder the more you have to say “no”.
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That really is the toughest part of parenting.
You see that cute little face crumple and you just crumble.
Shouting just didn’t work for my son, who seems to be old beyond his years. If I sat down with him and explained why he shouldn’t hit/bite/scream he would listen intently and then never do it again! Seriously, it was that easy with him.
Then I had a daughter . . .
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“God, to think that everything I do now, good or bad, could affect him his whole life – that’s a lot to live up to.”
TRUE THAT!
I’d like to tell you it gets easier, but it doesn’t. : > )
Mia spent her last minutes of the holiday weekend on restriction for her attitude. When she’s on restriction so are we. Grrr.
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It is so hard when your child has to be told :”No”. It hurts more when they are so young. Some kids understand right away by a softer no, but when it is important, you must use your Mom/Dad voice for them to understand. It will break your heart everytime.
As many parents do, we try to not just use the word “no”, but other things like “Don’t touch that”,”No biting”,”no hitting”,”stop”,etc … {all in French at our house though ~lol}. This gives kids even more vocabulary and it shows you just how much they are capable of understanding. I also like the fact that we reserve the mighty “NO” for important things, like not running across the road, as you mentioned.
Our oldest is just hitting teenage years, and it sometimes hurts to say no for certain things. If there is a movie that *all* her friends have seen, and I’m just *that mean Mom* that won’t let her go… it still hurts. But I think it’s up to the parents to decide for their child and not let peer pressure/societal pressure to lead them. It still tough.
Since we have 7 children in every different spectrum from babyhood, todderhood, childhood and beginning teenagehood, it can be a challenge to remember what to restrict at what age. But, we do our best as parents as hope they turn out alright.
Loving our kids is the most important factor I think, and you sound as if you have that area covered very well with your son!
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It breaks my heart every time my daughter does something worthy of discipline. I feel like I never get through to her (she is testing her boundaries right now) and a few minutes later she will do it again. If you didn’t know already, she has a very strong will, similar to that of a bull in the anual running. I feel like either I am discipling all wrong or she is just one of those “bad” kids who will try and get away with anything and everything she can. I hope it is neither.
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Ah, my heart breaks for you Dave. We’ve all been there.
Sometimes you have to give up the good to go for the best. Imagine what he’d be like if you never disciplined him! (And if you need an example, I have friends with kids who are heathens from lack of discipline.)
Hang in there.
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It does not get any easier, we are still saying NO to our 22 year old but it is a lesson that both parents and child need to learn.
I have a 60 year old friend who opens everyone’s Christmas gifts and can’t stand to wait. Her family is exhausted with trying to hide everything and be prepared. It ruins their whole family gathering…They tried a sedative last year that did not work she was just slower….She is a school teacher, but never learned to wait for anything for herself…her children are growing up equally undisciplined….I wish you well….and Writer Dad is right when his daughter is on restriction they all are!
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You gotta go with what works. I remember all the re-directive advice given to me when our son suddenly turned into a repetitive biter. Do this, do that, whatever you do, don’t bite him back. We lived this way for about six months until I’d finally had it and bit him on the arm (not hard, of course). He never bit again. What can I say, I’m a slow learner.
Discipline is so critical, and teaching kids to be self-disciplined is so hard. That’s why so many parents give up on it. Our society is the worse for it, too. This won’t be the first time your heart breaks with him, so be thankful it does. You’d be such a lout if not.
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I still remember the look on my son’s face when I said no the first time. Same feeling. Exact same feeling.
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that is THE hardest bit!!!
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