Our baby story – part three: Everything changes
(This is part four in a five part series detailing the birth of our son. You might want to start with part one.)
It’s a huge blow to the ego the day you discover that you’re no longer number one in your wife’s eyes.
I knew there would be changes when our first child was born. There had to be. You don’t have a baby and expect everything to remain the same. What surprised me is how quickly things changed after my wife found out she was pregnant.
The day I got married was a magical day. I looked into my wife’s eyes and knew that she was my number one and I was hers. It was one of few certainties I knew. There was only us and nothing else mattered. It was the type of romantic thing I don’t normally admit to thinking. Even though I sometimes took being number one for granted, I never thought I would lose that spot.
And then I did.
I realized sometime after my wife learned of her pregnancy that I had slipped to number two. Our as yet unborn baby had become number one. I even asked her about it once when we were joking around. She admitted that yes, “he’s my baby” as she put a hand on her stomach. She said that our baby would also be my number one. I denied it, saying that she was and will always be my number one. She laughed, saying I would change my mind once my son is born. At the moment, he was still more of a concept than a reality to me.
I understand how my wife felt, it’s human nature. But it was still a significant shift in reality which I had not expected.
This was only one of several changes which took place in the months leading up to the birth of our baby.
Women and men see the blessing of parenthood through different eyes. And forgive me for talking in generic terms, I understand that there are exceptions to every rule. Take, for example, this British “man” who likes to iron. But for the most part, the way men and women view impending parenthood is as different as night and day.
Men ask:
- How is this going to change my life?
- What will this take away?
- What freedoms will I be losing?
- Does this mean I’m going to miss The Super Bowl? That kid BETTER not be born on Super Bowl Sunday!
Women see pregnancy as a blessing which they’ve been preparing for since they themselves were infants holding baby dolls.
Women ask:
- How much GREATER will this make my life?
- Will I get everything I put on the baby registry?
- I wonder if we can sell the TV for a larger crib?
- It’s not like he ever watches anything GOOD on the TV. It’s just sports, sports, sports.
My wife was pregnant less than two days before she was eying “cute” baby-related items in stores, catalogs and on the web. I’m not sure, but I think a big part of why women want children is so they can buy baby accessories.
BloggerDad Lesson # 17: Women LOVE buying accessories!
We were in a shoe store where my wife found a pair of baby sneakers which she held up while making this “aaaaaaawwwwww” sound as if she‘d just found a baby Gremlin. “These are soooooo cute,” she said. I’m pretty sure she was on the verge of tears.
This was only the beginning of months of such discoveries of “cute” things as we both stared into the future and wondered what was to come. We talked, planned and dreamed. And you know what? I didn’t mind being relegated to number two. Because despite my earlier protests, I would soon have a new number one.
So, how did your life change during the months leading up to the birth of your first child?
Come back tomorrow for the conclusion to our baby story.
(Author’s note: This post was modified to change the number of story parts from four to five)
Click below to continue reading Our Baby Story.
- Our baby story – Part One: “Surprise, I’m pregnant”
- Our baby story – Part Two : I’m not ready!
- Our baby story – part Three: Everything changes
- Our baby story – part Four: uh oh, my water broke
- Our baby story part Five: Hello, world
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15 Responses to “Our baby story – part three: Everything changes”
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The months leading up to Mia were really fun, and not scary at all. I wasn’t number two until she was actually born, and then it took me a while to realize it had happened. At the time, I was most worried that I’d have less time to play video games. This seems ridiculous now, as I’ve had a Wii for a year and a half, and till have only the game it came with and one more I bought that day. I don’t even know the last time I turned it on. Now I just want to read a book.
Writer Dads last blog post..At Least I Don’t Have Zits
I know to some couples the whole being knocked off the top slot can prove fatal. Our best friends divorced for this very reason and now 3 years down the line the husband is totally regretting walking out and recognises that he should have been more patient.
My husband and I were totally ready for children when I got pregnant and knew exactly what we were letting ourselves in for.
We had been together for 11 years before having babies and had done all the togetherness stuff and knew that we wanted to give that love out elsewhere.
He sometimes has a whine and a moan about being kicked to the bottom of the pecking order, but I know that in his heart he really doesn’t mind.
Tara@From Dawn Till Rusks last blog post..The business of blogging: Dave’s story
I love reading this from a Dad’s perspective. It is so interesting to get another point of view.
BTW, any info on the cartoon?
Jen, buried with childrens last blog post..I Got Nothing…
I give up trying to think that far back. And after having 3 children in the space of 3 years (born in 1985, 1986, 1987) it’s all one big blur anyway *grin*. However, I would like to say that the *awwwweee isn’t this cute* thing returns when you start getting close to the reality of being a grandparent. (No pressure on my darling children of course, at least not much!). AND I can afford to buy items as a grandmother that I couldn’t afford to buy as a mother. Baby Gap, look out!
Urban Panthers last blog post..Creativity the MacGyver way
I swelled.
I wasn’t into cute baby stuff – but then, I fail at being a girl. I didn’t even care about a crib – if we didn’t get one, the baby could sleep in the sock drawer. If we didn’t manage to buy clothing, he could wear a tea towel or sarongs for the first little while, and I can sew well enough to keep him covered if I must.
My husband was all at sea over it – he had exactly zero experience with babies and small children, and only now that our son is five does T interact with him voluntarily. He wouldn’t even hold our son, the first few days – terrified he’d drop or break the kid. I pointed out that babies are mostly cartilage and elastic anyway, and they bounce when you drop them. Eventually, he worked up the nerve to hang onto the kid while I showered. We were all thankful for that!
I think raising other people’s kids for nearly twenty years killed a lot of the mystery and romance of pregnancy and child-rearing for me…I knew better.
Feeling the baby move around in there was brilliant, and it’s sadly a part of the process that daddies don’t get to have. There’s a revelation in that motion, in that perception of motion – a point when the child within goes from an distant abstract to a life within one’s life, a reality, something concretely yours and dependent upon you. World shattering stuff, that…
And I swelled.
I made a quilt and cooked meals to freeze for after, and laid in a supply of nappies and diaper cream, and that’s about it for my prep work. T rubbed my burgeining belly and wondered at what we’d managed, occasionally had panics, went to work every day, and tried not to get too green at the idea of going with me to the doctor’s office once in a while.
Also, I swelled.
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
Kyddryns last blog post..Heh, Heh, Heh
Yeah, well, I’m number freaking FIVE now, unless you count the dogs (which you should because my wife does) and then I’m number freaking NINE. Yeah buddy, you think yourself lucky you can remain in the top two cos I’m telling you it’s lonely way own here near double digits.
Hahahahahahaha
Of course I’m only kidding BloggerDad. It’s tough being displaced but fortunately for me, life got so busy I had no time to worry about demotion.
I wish I was a number two just like you
Dave Fowlers last blog post..I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead
As the second oldest of 6 kids, and an outside-the-home babysitter since age 11, having little ones around was second nature to me. Being pregnant was a new experience, and one I wasn’t so sure I liked all that much, though….
Love having kids around. And it’s probably not too much longer before the grandkids start showing up. (!!!)
GreenJellos last blog post..Texting Conversation
Since my due date was Thanksgiving Day I was pre-occupied with whether or not I was going to get a piece of pumpkin pie that year. (huh, who knew so few babies are actually born ON their due date?) My husband kept telling me that I had better not go into labor and ruin his day of football. I laughed at him and told him the chances of me interupting his football was slim.
Yup, I went into labor early one Sunday morning and ended up with a c-section with complications. He missed all the games that day and Monday night football the next day.
I think my husband got sick of my whining about how miserable I felt with each of my pregnancies. I HATED being pregnant with a capital H.A.T.E! But I wouldn’t give back the two little ones for anything!
LizPs last blog post..10/25/08 Fall Colours
Writer Dad – yeah, not much video game playing on my end, either. Of course, if we stop this ‘blogging thing’ we’d have a little more time for the important stuff – such as video games.
Tara – Sounds like you two did it right. It’s good to wait a while. We’d been dating for about three years when we got married, which was just enough time to trick my wife into thinking I was a much cleaner guy than I am.
Jen – Thank you. I’ll email you on that a bit later.
Urban Panther – Yeah, my parents buy my son more stuff than I remember having. What’s up with that?! Oh yeah, I guess once the kids are gone you can afford things.
Kyddryn – Thanks for sharing. I’m not sure I want to know the feeling of something in me. I’ll have flashbacks to either something bad I ate or that scene in the Alien movie. As for T’s reluctance to hold his child, I felt the same way. I still held my son, but did so like he was a priceless artifact that might shatter into a million pieces if I shifted wrong. And I also wrapped him in an inflatable tube in case he bounced.
Dave – LOL. Number nine after the dogs. That’s awesome. And don’t think I missed that Number Two reference, you S#!t!
GreenJello – I can’t say I share your joy of having kids around. I need my quiet time. And you get more than two kids over here and I’m breaking out the Tylenol. I can’t even imagine grandkids at this point.
Trish – Thanks for commenting. Wow, that sounds very traumatic. A c-section with complications … I hope your husband was able to watch football in the hospital.
Liz P – Hated being pregnant? You mean it’s not fun to be bloated, moody and in pain? Yeah, I don’t get how ANYONE would CHOOSE to become pregnant. It’s crazy stuff. I’m thinking adoption might be the best option for Number Two. Of course my wife would disagree, she likes the whole bonding thing.
Blogger Dads last blog post..Our baby story – part three: Everything changes
You don’t make time to video games? Yikes.
I always knew our son would be far more important to her than I could ever be.
Matthew Drydens last blog post..Written With Blood
This a great series. It’s wonderful to read this from a man’s point of view. I don’t get this sort of insight from my husband. It’s very entertaining and informative.
So now, how did my life change leading up to the pregnancy? Well, I’m really a fairly pragmatic sort of person so honestly not all that much. I took care of the ‘stuff’ that needed to be done and we painted a baby room, etc. but I never did get all baby crazy. My husband on the other hand. He went nuts. We have a bit of role reversal in our relationship, lol.
Jens last blog post..a sad day, indeed
Now this is a question I could write about all night long. We have 5 children and our youngest is 2. We are just starting to get mobile again and reconnect back to the way we were prior to kids. That may seem like a long time or you might wonder how we let our relationship go or be put aside for so long. All I can say is that life changes DRASTICALLY with kids. It’s great, but it certainly makes our marriages more challenging. I joke around with my wife all the time and say, “You know, we had a great marriage until we had kids.” I only say this because of what you’re experiencing with how much changes. No one can ever prepare you for what happens. The list of how a guys sees things is absolutely accurate! You really hit it on the head. Hang in there #2. You’ll just about get back to being #1 and then probably decide to have another one.
Hi Blogger Dad – I married into a ready made family and we never had any of our own, but I know all about those cute baby clothes. Every time we get a new grandbaby, I’m running to the store to oooooh and awwwww.
I’m looking forward to the next part of your story.
Barbara Swaffords last blog post..NBOTW – Bringing Me To Tears
Matthew – Yes, it is horrible!
Jen – Thank you for the nice words. It’s cool that you were able to keep your calm.
B. Wilde – Another one?! Bite your tongue, sir! Actually, we would like to have a girl. However, I need to find a job before we can even dream of affording it. I don’t know HOW you do it with FIVE?!
Barbara – Thank you. And you get the best part of parenting, the buying of cute things and brief visits, without the all nighters!