(This is part two in a week-long series detailing the birth of my son. You might want to start with part one.)
So, there I was, standing there holding the pregnancy test in my hand, shocked into silence.
Several thoughts were running through my head. While I was happy for my wife, I could have waited another 20 years to have a child. She wanted a baby – she loves kids – and she was worried that we might not be able to conceive if we wait until we’re seniors. While I stood there silent, my mind was screaming:
oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap – I’m going to be a father!
The following thoughts raced through my head seemingly all at once:
- We can’t afford a child
- I’m too selfish to have a child
- I’ll never sleep again
- I’m not ready yet
- I barely know how to fix things around the house, what kind of dad doesn’t know how to change oil?
- We REALLY can’t afford to have a child
- I can kiss all my hopes and dreams goodbye
Let me explain the last one.
There are certain things that I wanted to do before life as I knew it would end. Because let’s face it, parenthood changes you. And I was resistant to ANY form of change. I was a busy guy! I had Great Novels to write, comics to draw, dreams to dream and sports to watch! Very Important Stuff that couldn’t be sidetracked by the constant wants and needs of a baby!
See, I told you that I was selfish.
But at the same time, other thoughts came to mind:
- We WILL find a way to afford a child
- It’s not all about ME
- I never slept all that well to begin with
- If not now, then when?
- This goal, to be happily married and to have a family is more important than all the others
- As for my other hopes and dreams… well, now I have even more inspiration to fulfill them
- Even though I can’t change my oil, I have lots to offer my child – such as burping on command
So there we were, standing in the kitchen, me silent and my wife waiting for my reaction. I know I hugged her, though I can’t remember what I said. I’m sure my prolonged silence betrayed whatever happy words stumbled from my lips, tinging the sweetness with sour.
We went to dinner where we discussed baby names, parenting differences and all the other things you talk about when you realize you are going to be bringing a person into this world.
In nine months, everything was about to change.
Actually, things started changing sooner than nine months.
Find out more, tomorrow.
What sorts of hopes and fears did you have when you found out you were going to be a parent? Share your story in the comments section.
Click below to continue reading Our Baby Story.
- Our baby story – Part One: “Surprise, I’m pregnant”
- Our baby story – Part Two : I’m not ready!
- Our baby story – part Three: Everything changes
- Our baby story – part Four: uh oh, my water broke
- Our baby story part Five: Hello, world
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When I got pregnant I didn’t have a maternal bone in my whole body. I felt sick with worry that I would be a rubbish mum and that I would ‘fail’ my husband and my child and that I was making the biggest leap of faith of my life.
I had always thought I wouldn’t have children, not because I didn’t like them, but because I just didn’t think I was cut out for motherhood.
As it turns out, it far exceeded all my hopes and now I wish I had started earlier (I was 34 when I had my first).
There is never a good time to have children in terms of money, plans etc but I think becoming a parent made me a much better person and has given me more inspiration, more zest for life and opened up a side to me I never dreamed possible.
Taras last blog post..We used to have a sense of humour in this house
I got pregnant by surprise with a husband who had most emphatically insisted he never wanted children. Couldn’t stand them, wasn’t particularly pleased with the prospect, and participated in the pre-natal process minimally and grudgingly. It was high risk (twins) and tragically, we lost one of them after very premature birth. Our tiny survivor took us on a roller-coaster of extreme highs and lows as he battled for life, culminating in brain surgery when he reached 5 pounds.
This was not the introduction to pregnancy and parenting that is waxed poetically in the media, nor was the possibility of risk raised in pre-natal classes back then. I don’t know if it is addressed now, but it was an extreme disservice to us not to have the least idea of what could happen. Not only were we shell-shocked by grief and fear, we felt we were freaks. Everyone else, it seemed, went full term and happily home with their bundles.
I think there is a tendency to compare experience with that which we idealize based upon what we read and see, and then we think of how things “should” be. Rarely are they. Despite his professed aversion to children, my ex-husband worked very hard over the years at his relationship with his own, and they adore him.
Betsys last blog post..ENERGY
I definitely had children earlier than I expected to, but it ended up being the perfect time. Daisy’s a little older than me, and the timing made perfect sense if we were to factor in both our ages. I’m with you, I had a brief few seconds of panic, but then I was cooler than Sam Jackson.
Writer Dads last blog post..The Perfection of Pixar
I totslly echo what Tara wrote (maybe she and I are cosmic t’internet twins!) but yes, I too thought I would be a rubbish mum and totally useless at the whole giving up my independency thing. I had barely even babysat as a teenage let alone ever held a newborn at that point. I just couldn’t imagine being able to successfully care for a baby.
it turned out well though and I too wish we’d done it earlier. Even on dark days am so thankful I had children, they bring a whole new light into my life and I rarely miss the old days of too many late night down the pub!
We werent financially prepared AT ALL to have kids. So unprepared, we moved countries to be able to afford to raise them. but with every new day there is an adventure and one now we share not only with each other, but with our little boys too and what is better than that?
Mom/Mums last blog post..The Queen speaks!
I was a baby myself, just 21, and I had ZERO experience with babies. I had NO CLUE what I was getting myself into. Nor how violently ill I would be….not that I want to belabour (sorry, pun not intended) the point.
Urban Panthers last blog post..Friar asked and I’m answering
I so wanted a baby and I was very excited about it while I was pregnant but then during the labor and delivery I had a change of heart and wanted to keep him in. Thankfully Jeff was able to change my mind.
Jen, buried with childrens last blog post..Just One Question…
Tara – Glad that you found your maternal bones. And what you said about money is very true. A few of our friends told us the same thing, you’ll NEVER have “enough.”
Betsy – Wow, that is an incredible story. Thank you for sharing what must have been a hellish ordeal. I had fears that something would go wrong with our pregnancy, simply because I tend to worry about things beyond my control. It’s great that your husband was able to overcome his aversion and come to enjoy his children.
Writer Dad – Sam Jackson NEVER panics.
Mom/Mum – Thanks for sharing. You mean it was cheaper in the U.S. to raise kids than in the UK, where health care is free?
Urban Panther – That is young. I don’t know how teenage girls are able to do it. I feel great sympathy for young women attempting to do this on their own. Taking care of a baby, and doing it right, can be damned hard.
Jen – LOL! That’s funny. Doctors “usually” don’t allow for that, though.
I’m mostly able to handle any challenge. I just nodded my head and wondered how it would all turn out. I was very blessed that I was surrounded by people with a great sense of responsibility who I could feed off and learn from, because if it were just me I probably would have cracked.
Matthew Drydens last blog post..I’m Going To Be Honest With You
I had lots of hopes, but mostly I hoped I could make my child’s life rich even though we are not wealthy.
My biggest (rational) fear was that I would (or will) damage him with my madness. I’m not dangerous to anyone but myself, and not physically then…oh, but if you know how words can cut, you can do such harm…
I must be constantly wary of the words I use in anger, in frustration, in pain. I was (and am) afraid that he would know too much about sorrow before he was fully vested in his child’s joy. I was (and am) afraid that he would think it somehow his fault that I am not right. To ward him from this, I am an unstinting stream of “I love you, you are my best good thing, you are my heart, even when I am angry I still love you, even when I am sad, the place in my heart where you live is happy”. I mean it. I think it has worked, so far.
I won’t get into the irrational fears – the Internet isn’t big enough to hold them all!
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
Kyddryns last blog post..Another Fine Mess
Matthew – It’s great to have a good support system in place.
Kyddryn – yes, words are powerful. It’s great that you recognize that and battle against your anger. Thank you for sharing such personal thoughts with us.
To everyone else : I will update on Thursday. I’ve been battling an on again and off again cold for two weeks and I’m going to take it easy tonight. I’ll post the next update on Wed. night. Thank you for reading,
dave
Kids came early on, but while I was in the Army and during a time when I had to be sent to training schools and deployments for months on end. I was lucky just to be at the birth of my first son. Had he not been born around a major holiday I would’ve missed it completely. It just was rough timing all the way around and the boy’s mother was stuck dealing with pretty much everything on her own. Not that I didn’t want to be there or to help. but in the military, the mission always comes first.
CK Lunchboxs last blog post..Lessons From A Blogging Blockhead
CK Lunchbox – Good thing you were there. That’s a memory that you never forget.