(This is part two in a week-long series detailing the birth of my son. You might want to start with part one.)
So, there I was, standing there holding the pregnancy test in my hand, shocked into silence.
Several thoughts were running through my head. While I was happy for my wife, I could have waited another 20 years to have a child. She wanted a baby – she loves kids – and she was worried that we might not be able to conceive if we wait until we’re seniors. While I stood there silent, my mind was screaming:
oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap – I’m going to be a father!
The following thoughts raced through my head seemingly all at once:
- We can’t afford a child
- I’m too selfish to have a child
- I’ll never sleep again
- I’m not ready yet
- I barely know how to fix things around the house, what kind of dad doesn’t know how to change oil?
- We REALLY can’t afford to have a child
- I can kiss all my hopes and dreams goodbye
Let me explain the last one.
There are certain things that I wanted to do before life as I knew it would end. Because let’s face it, parenthood changes you. And I was resistant to ANY form of change. I was a busy guy! I had Great Novels to write, comics to draw, dreams to dream and sports to watch! Very Important Stuff that couldn’t be sidetracked by the constant wants and needs of a baby!
See, I told you that I was selfish.
But at the same time, other thoughts came to mind:
- We WILL find a way to afford a child
- It’s not all about ME
- I never slept all that well to begin with
- If not now, then when?
- This goal, to be happily married and to have a family is more important than all the others
- As for my other hopes and dreams… well, now I have even more inspiration to fulfill them
- Even though I can’t change my oil, I have lots to offer my child – such as burping on command
So there we were, standing in the kitchen, me silent and my wife waiting for my reaction. I know I hugged her, though I can’t remember what I said. I’m sure my prolonged silence betrayed whatever happy words stumbled from my lips, tinging the sweetness with sour.
We went to dinner where we discussed baby names, parenting differences and all the other things you talk about when you realize you are going to be bringing a person into this world.
In nine months, everything was about to change.
Actually, things started changing sooner than nine months.
Find out more, tomorrow.
What sorts of hopes and fears did you have when you found out you were going to be a parent? Share your story in the comments section.
Click below to continue reading Our Baby Story.
- Our baby story – Part One: “Surprise, I’m pregnant”
- Our baby story – Part Two : I’m not ready!
- Our baby story – part Three: Everything changes
- Our baby story – part Four: uh oh, my water broke
- Our baby story part Five: Hello, world
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