People Are Animals
I try to start each year on a positive Love-Your-Fellow-Man note and all that junk. And then I go out in public and remember why I’m not a “people person.”
In short, people are animals. Worse than animals, actually. At least my cats have the courtesy to try and cover up their waste (more on that later).
This story begins with a Christmas gift which my wife received from someone – a gift card to a local all-you-can-eat buffet restaurant. I’m not sure why she was given a card to this particular place – maybe she ran over somebody’s puppy or something.
At any rate, because of this gift, I found myself ringing in the New Year in a line, like cattle waiting to be fed from a trough.
There’s a lot to complain about in a place like this. From the lukewarm food that’s been sitting in a pan for too long to the slow/overworked staff who let dishes pile up on tables, quality is not exactly Job Number One. But it’s not the staff which turns me off to this place, so much as the people who frequent it. The animals.
I’m not sure if this place simply attracts the worst of humanity or if people just lose all sense of decency when eating at a buffet, devolving into beasts to whom the idea of eating indoors – and with utensils – is a novel concept. These are the same animals that jump in front of you in line and grab the whole tray of hot chicken wings you’ve been waiting 20 minutes for.
And maybe it’s just me, but my germaphobia goes into hyper alert status in these places. It first went off when a waitress cleaned our table – a dirty, food encrusted table that looked like maybe some sort of animal sacrifice went down there just minutes earlier – with nothing but a dirty, wet rag.
Then, it really kicked into overdrive when I watched the animals sneezing into their hands, picking their noses and other orifices, and then handle the food serving utensils. All I could think of is those TV shows where you see the people go into the hotel room with black lights and show you all the germs all over the bedspreads and stuff.
I thought I’d seen it all, but nothing could prepare me for the disaster that was the men’s restroom.
The restroom from hell!
My two year old, E, had to pee. Now that he’s potty trained, he gets to experience the fun that is public restrooms!
We walked into the men’s room and the first thing I noticed was the smell— and sounds coming from one of two stalls. I’m not sure, but I think someone, maybe Jabba the Hutt, was in the process of expelling a dead and rotting creature from their bowels.
Holding my nose with one hand and holding my son’s hand with the other, I directed him to the only urinal which was short enough for him to pee into. However, when we got there, we were greeted with the following:
Someone had pooped in the urinal.
Not a little poop, but a big, giant one that looked like a python all coiled up in the bottom of the urinal.
“What the…?” I started. I stopped myself before I cursed.
“Hell?” my son finished.
I wish I were making that up.
I led my son to the only open stall, the one next to Jabba the Hutt, and I opened the door.
First of all, the toilet seat looked like a Jackson Pollock painting, but utilizing urine and feces rather than paint.
Then the floor!
What is it about men’s restrooms that they ALL have to have pools of urine on the floors? I’m not talking about a few puddles; I’m talking RIVERS OF URINE with their own tidal systems! The toilet was like an island peeking up in the ocean of urine.
I told my son, “Don’t touch ANYTHING!” and then picked him up and waded into the urine pool. I struggled to pull down his pants and then held him horizontally above the toilet – almost in Superman flying pose – so he can pee. Of course, this is not a comfortable position which to pee from, so he is struggling to get anything to come out.
Meanwhile, something is splashing around in the stall next to us. Maybe whatever came from Jabba’s body was not quite dead yet.
Thoroughly disgusted, I returned to the table with my son (after washing our entire bodies with soap and hot water) and I sat down and told my wife that I’ve had my fill of people for the New Year.
Maybe, in time, I’ll venture to another restaurant this year. But we’re not going to be using the restrooms. And my son will be wearing diapers.
And I just might be, too.
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That’s horrifying!!! I’m pretty sure I would’ve been traumatized as an adult seeing all that – your son is the man!!!
Laura´s last blog ..What the Funk???
He still lives in a 2 year old’s world where everything is a wonderful adventure and gross is cool. Thanks for commenting.
Ahh…those were the days!
Laura´s last blog ..What the Funk???
oh joy… the gift that kept on giving…lucky you. :-{
Maybe this whole episode is what inspired my new Writer Dad design
Ah, the gift of dysentery! Obviously you’re not prepared to name the ‘someone’ who gave your wife such a thoughtful gift? Erm… it wasn’t you was it? No? Thought not. Just askin’.
BTW I don’t believe you about not being able to pee in the Superman pose, but I don’t think I can disprove it. It’s unlikely I’ll find anyone strong enough to carry a 6ft tall overweight man into a toilet cubicle. And even if I could, it’s probably against the law?
Selfish – You can probably find that service on Craigslist? I’m guessing. I have no personal knowledge, of course. As for legality, I’m not sure what your laws are there in the UK, but here, it’s allowed … so long as you’re a Senator.
And no, I won’t out the person. It was a very nice person and they probably don’t realize what a dive the place has become. Or perhaps I’m just too picky.
Wow, that was amazing. I had to stop reading because I was frightened I was going to ruin my keyboard with spit coffee.
Sean Platt´s last blog ..Writer Dad 3.0
Sean – Watch where you spit! What, you think you’re at a buffet or something?
I’ve actually placed a sneeze guard over my keyboard, so it does look a little like a salad bar.
Sean Platt´s last blog ..Too Rich for Children…
Why doesn’t it surprise me that you have a guard over your keyboard?
Selfish´s last blog ..High Hopes For 2010
With the description you gave, is there any other reason why they call it Golden “Corral”..
Eric´s last blog ..Weekend Wrap Up: Hoarding with Derek Zoolander
LOL. I probably should have been nervous when I saw the cattle prods and heard screams from the kill floor.
Is it really hard to believe that a place that lets you eat as much as you want for a given fee attracts the bottom feeders of society. As much as I like to eat, buffets still disgust me. I think of cousin Eddie in the Vegas Vacation buffet.
Otter´s last blog ..Is Chocolate Healthy?
I’ve actually been to decent buffets… I think. A couple of them … Well, at least one.
Okay, you got me.
However, it was a gift and the last time we went there, it was actually decent. I think we just picked a bad time to go – you know, when other people were there.
I can hardly eat in restaurants of any kind any more…well give me the gourmet and I will use gel on my hands….and make it in the door…but the others are just not worth it any more.
My parents only public argument when I was growing up, Was why would my Dad stop at the worst looking gas stations when we had to make a pit stop? We did not have MacDonalds then, which are now getting just about a disgusting.. we do not eat there…
We have one theater in town which is always so dirty I try never to go there and the folks who do go there keep it a mess…the other theater is always kept so clean, and I notice that folks are not as thoughtless about leaving cups and junk all over….I would rather DVD at home most of the time…
and my food is much better
Have you seen Food, Inc?
But this is funny stuff….
Patricia´s last blog ..Cleaning Up My ACT
What truly baffles me is when there’s splatters of urine all over the *women’s* restroom seats and floor…
Heh heh.
That reminds me of the South Park episode, where Mr. Mackey was furious that someone left a deuce in the urinal.
M’kay?
HOLY CRAP, GUY…..WHERE DO YOU LIVE?????? Even the hometown buffet downtown, which attracts a somewhat ghetto crowd is acutally quite decent. Two stories, though….I used to date a guy who would take me to the all-you can eat chinese buffet and stalk the counter that had the crab legs. Soon as he saw the waitress coming with them he would charge ahead and take as many as he could possibly pile on his plate without dropping them on the floor…think eiffel tower! story two…..I thought of the documentary I saw on TV where they had hidden cameras that captured the rodent circus at night and the employee who stuck her hand down her pants and scratched her ass for about five minutes, only to continue handling the food! I think I abstained from eating out for a very long time after that.
What, for 5 minutes?
Sean Platt´s last blog ..Too Rich for Children…
Another great one, Dave.
I think it was Sartre who said, “Hell is other people.” How right he was.
Hey, you should do another restaurant inspection article. Sounds like that place deserves a little exposure. I’ll bet they’ve failed a few county inspections, hehe.
urgh, I feelrather soiled and contaminated somehow after reading that. Sudden urge to go wash my hands under HOT water. And use the metal pan scrub.
Heather´s last blog ..Favourite Photo Meme: The Log flume of Death
Oh. Wow. That’s just…. wow.
But really? I had to laugh, first at E’s completing your statement, then the lovely picture you drew to add more color to an already colorful post. Thanks!!
Imagine if you had a daughter…
Kool Aid´s last blog ..Through the ages
Dave,
Thanks for the good chuckle. One thing I don’t understand: even with a gift certificate, why would return to a place that sounds so vile to begin with? If you already know that the people are rude and the atmosphere is disgusting, then why bother to go back? Though the experience led to a wonderful blog post, I must admit that I am baffled at why you willingly re-entered an establishment that sounds like a walk through what your son so aptly described.
Rita´s last blog ..How to Teach Your Dog to Come
I laughed til a few tears came out. Literally. Thanks for that. I can totally relate since I am holding Lukas over many a toilet these days.
Hilarious, but gross too.
Seattledad (Luke, I am Your Father)´s last blog ..Random Tuesday Thoughts: 2010 Edition
OMG where is this awful place!!! And someone dumping in a urinal???? very funny but disgusting at the same time. Even we get rivers of urine in the women’s toilets once i had to roll up my jeans, people are animals!! xxx
OMG where is this awful place!!! And someone dumping in a urinal???? very funny but disgusting at the same time. Even we get rivers of urine in the women’s toilets once i had to roll up my jeans, people are animals!! xxx
amy´s last blog ..Tag and high five!!
My wife worked in school food service management and restaurant management for years (before deciding it wasn’t worth what they were paying). She’s always said to check the bathrooms before eating at any restaurant. If the manager cares enough to have the employees clean the bathrooms properly, s/he runs a clean kitchen. If not, don’t eat there, because the bathroom will be Nirvana compared to the kitchen.
And I, as an adult, have personally adopted the “Superman pose” in public restrooms due to the conditions. Hard on the back, but better than catching a disease…
Mr. Write´s last blog ..The Fine Art of Naming Your Children