Rejected Kids’ Books – August 2010

Wow, these publishing companies REALLY hate the books I pitch them!

They all SAY that they want unique books for kids, but whenever I pitch them my ideas, I get the strangest cease and desist rejection letters. Anyway, my pain is your gain. Here’s the newest batch of rejected works of genius.

Click on any of the book covers for larger images.

You’re Not Special

There’s a self esteem movement gaining strength the past decade or so which aims to teach all kids that they are unique and special in some way.

But what about the kids who aren’t all that unique or special?

If everyone is special, doesn’t that remove meaning from the word “special?”

The fact is, we’re probably doing more harm than good by lying to kids who are marginal at best, so why not tell them the truth?

That’s where this book comes in.

Grandpa’s In Hell Now

Teaching kids about death can be a traumatic time. There’s lots of books on the market telling kids that their loved ones are in heaven, but what about kids whose loved ones are going South for eternity?

Go To Sleep Or The Monster Will Get You

It’s tough getting kids to go to sleep. They’re all wound up and full of energy or they’re rebellious and use nighttime as their battleground. Nothing works as a motivator quite like fear. And what better fear to use than the inherent fear of monsters? Or better yet, monsters who use sound to find their prey? This lovely little tale will have your kids hiding under their covers as quiet as church mice!

The Machiavellian Guide to Schoolyard Dominance

If you’re not  popular, rich, or big and strong, you’re not gonna make it in grade school. However, you have something those other meatheads and mouthbreathers don’t – cunning (if you buy this book, anyway). Now you can master the schoolyard and make others do your bidding while never personally getting your hands dirty. Well, not too dirty, anyway.

Learn such skills as:

• How to use people’s desire to be liked against them.
• How to seize power while flying under the radar.
• How to make your enemies do your bidding.
• Finding and exploiting the weaknesses of each of the animals in your school’s kingdom.

101 Fun Things to Do With Knives

Remember when kids used play in this place called “outside?” When they shot bb guns, sling shots, and beat the snot out of each other while playing football? Nowadays, eight-year-olds are more tech savvy than their parents; they have their own little tech kid caves replete with video games, computers, and god knows what else? And you know why? Because parents went so overboard with “safety this and safety that” the past decade, that they’ve taken all the fun toys away.

So what better way to get kids back outside than a book which brings back a fun toy for all ages – knives!

Petey The Panda Has Tourette’s

Tourette Syndrome can be traumatic for both the child who has it and his classmates who wonder why the kid next to them is twitching or yelping out obscenities every other minute. This book aims to introduce kids to what Tourette’s is and remove the stigma attached to it.

Yet, given the publishers’ reaction to this book proposal, they seem to hate kids with Tourette’s.

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