Review – Noisy toys to buy for people you don’t like this Holiday season

If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s Happy Parents.

I’m not talking about generally happy parents, them I like. I’m talking about SUPER HAPPY parents, which were very likely SUPER HAPPY people prior to having kids. You’ve seen them, overfilled with the joy of parenthood; worshiping every sigh, squeak and dirty diaper their child makes. These people with their perfect children who never misbehave, always sleep through the night and are never sick. I call these parents jerks.

And if you’re like me, you want to level the playing field a bit – introduce some chaos into these Happy Jerks’ lives. And you’ll do it while looking like a nice person – by buying gifts. Only these gifts are the most evil and noisiest toys ever churned out by Santa’s evil elf army (don‘t act like you don‘t know what I‘m talking about).

So here are a couple of the noisiest toys that I know of. And what better time to share the misery than Christmas?

Fisher Price Corn Popper

This perpetual noise machine has been delighting children and annoying parents since 1957! It is single handedly responsible for the end to the baby boom some seven years after its introduction.

For those unfamiliar with the toy, it can best be described as a walking fireworks show, minus the pretty lights.  As your child pushes the toy, little hard plastic balls POP inside a plastic dome which is seemingly made of some special science-fiction type of sound amplification system.

I’m not sure what the Corn Popper is intended to be, as the balls inside the plastic dome are colorful and look nothing at all like popcorn. Nor do they taste like it – don’t ask. Judging from my son’s use of the toy, he thinks it’s a vacuum cleaner.

Since children LOVE noisy toys, this will surely put a smile on some child’s face as he walks by, looking at his parents.

POP POP POP POP POP!!

And you’ll be smiling, too as you call the Happy Parents and ask them how their child is enjoying the corn popper.

E 'vacuuming' up Cheerios that he spilled all over the carpet.

Quick Rundown

  • ages: one and up
  • price: around $11
  • Fun Factor (on a scale of 1-10): 10
  • Fun Factor of chasing cats: 10
  • Time that toy will hold a toddler’s interest: 10-15 minutes (which is like an hour in toddler time)
  • Who should avoid this toy:  People with ears, parents prone to hangovers, people with pets.

Pooh Tick-Tock Clock Activity Choo Choo

On an unrelated note, what is a Pooh? Why is he called Winnie the Pooh? Is his name Winnie or Pooh? It would be like me being called David the Wright!

Wow! Toys DO NOT get much noisier than this riding train for toddlers!

It’s not that this toy train makes a lot of noise, which it does, it’s that the noise is soooo loud.

“Going for a train ride with you is lot’s of fun!” Winnie cheerfully announces if your child presses one button. There are a ton of other buttons, each of them producing a variety of other loud noises such as:

  • ringing train bells
  • various songs including the Winnie the Pooh theme song
  • the death cries of hobos caught under the wheels

The only sound seemingly missing from the repertoire is that of gunshots, which would probably be a bit more soothing than the Pooh’s voice saying “Going for a train ride with you is lots of fun” for the 400th time in five minutes.

This toy, while undoubtedly fun for children, is clearly designed by sadists who hate people that breed. There can be no other explanation for the LACK OF A VOLUME CONTROL!

Quick Rundown

  • Who this toy is for: Children 1-3 years of age. Deaf parents, children who like loud things, sadists
  • Price: $29.99
  • Fun Factor (on a scale of 1-10): 9
  • Who should avoid this toy: parents with functioning ears, parents who have hangovers, people who have fond memories of Pooh, hobos.
  • Safety WARNING: on a serious note, if your child is like mine and likes to stand on things and show off his balancing skills while smiling with a HUGE grin as if to say, Look what I can do, mommy and daddy, you will want to constantly supervise them while they play with this train, as they can stand on the seat and easily fall.

If you liked this review, check out my review for another noisy toy which I wrote in August.

Want BloggerDad delivered to your email every time I post? Well, you’re not alone. Join the literally tens of others who have already subscribed for free! Email not your thing? That’s okay, you can also subscribe via RSS – It’s also free.

This entry was posted in humor, reviews and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

21 Responses to Review – Noisy toys to buy for people you don’t like this Holiday season

  1. Tara says:

    Err BD, did you just call me a jerk?

    Anyway, two years ago my husband’s parents (although I suspect it was more likely his dad) bought Dan a 2ft long red Mustang car which revved up louder than our own real car and played some annoying twangy rock guitar solo at random moments.
    It went straight down to their house!

    Taras last blog post..My baby said the F word

  2. Hold on….must contain laughter to type….oh man, I just snorted. Okay, doing better now. Adding both of these items to the future Christmas list of my nephew, not so much because his parents fit any of the qualification but because my obnoxious and overly comical brother insists on buying these things for MY kids.

    And I once gave my brother in law a similar Winne the Poo alarm clock as a joke. That thing could be heard OUTSIDE the house when it went off. He actually ended up using it since he’s a hard sleeper. But the last laugh was on me because it used to wake ME up when I would visit my husband’s parents.

    Why don’t these things come with volume control??

    Deconstructing Jens last blog post..twilight movie give away

  3. Writer Dad says:

    Target has a toy electric guitar (pink, mind you). It has buttons instead of strings and when you press them, it sounds like pure evil is trying to suck you into Hades. Ten bucks.

    Writer Dads last blog post..Redbook… An Excerpt

  4. feefifoto says:

    Tickle Me Elmo. or, for that matter, Anything Me Elmo.

    feefifotos last blog post..Racism? Just Plain Cruelty? Does It Matter?

  5. I have to say that is SUCH a cute picture of your baby – I just wanna hug!

    Anyways, I loved my popcorn popper and wanted so badly to break it open and get those balls that look like gum out.

    An in conjunction of what Writer Dad wrote, I would say that the little toy pianos that you BANG on are wonderfully loud.

    Jennifer (Danifer)s last blog post..Movie Review – Running Scared

  6. Mom/Mum says:

    That post made me guffaw noisily and loudly, causing both the boys to complain that I was being ‘too loud’. (Bad mummy interrupting their viewing of Imagination Movers). Maybe your blog should come with a warning sign and a volume control???!
    Anyway, I hate those annoying super happy parents and the wicked side of me loves the idea of buying them one of these ear-ache toys just to wipe the smug smile off their faces.
    I actually know the perfect family for the alarm clock.
    We own the corn popper toy. We foolishly bought it ourselves as a gift for firstborn.
    I’ll say it again – fools, fools, fools.
    It now resides in the toy graveyard in the garage….

    Mom/Mums last blog post..Manic Monday

  7. GreenJello says:

    I love the corn popper! It was one of my kids’ favorites.

    I hate electronic toys for kids. The music drives me bonkers. People knew better than to get me anything electronic for kids’ gifts– it was either immediately re-gifted, taken back to the store, or put under the tires of the car.

    I’m all into wooden blocks, legos, gear sets, etc. REAL toys. And I like the corn popper. (My kiddos ‘vacuumed’ the floor with it, too!)

    GreenJellos last blog post..Texting Conversation

  8. Winnie for Winnipeg, where the bear in the zoo that the real Christopher liked came from. Pooh was the name of a pet swan. Adding them together, A.A. Milne got Winnie the Pooh. Why the ‘the’? Pssshhh … literary licence I guess.

    I LOVE the corn popper!

    Urban Panthers last blog post..Check that phone at the door

  9. Kyddryn says:

    Awesome.

    Evil Genius had no Push-Me-Popper, because I threatened homicide to anyone who even thought of bringing one into my home. He played with his friend’s instead.

    Have you seen the crawling caterpillar thing? The one covered in eyelash-yarn style fabric in brilliant, make-a-hippie vomit, quasi-tie-dye colors? It plays obviously synthesized banjo music through a loudspeaker that would make a tornado siren sound weak, several songs in rotation, often with a sort of off-key warbling, and it crawls along as it plays.

    It never dies. Ever.

    Someone gave one to my son on his first Xmas. It took years to be free of the beast.

    I am giving one to her child this Xmas. Revenge is sweet.

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K (who thinks there’s a special place in Hell for people who design, sell, or give as gifts those noisy toys without volume control)

    Kyddryns last blog post..Bon Apetit

  10. Orlund says:

    Our rule is that noise toys stay at grandma and grandpa’s house. My wife’s parents bought a Corn Popper Car. It will say at there house as long as the popper works.

    Orlunds last blog post..Hannah Montana 2nd Edition DVD Game

  11. Patricia says:

    I was given a wind up train engine that was clear and you could see into it and it went on and on and on – as it was made to chase cat, dog, other kids, baby sister – but it brought out so much joy – it was just so noisy that we all agreed to just use it on Saturdays so Dad could enjoy it also! ;)

    What a fun post and what a cute fellow you share life with – The train was given to us by one of those folks who would be described as super happy parents…none of our adoptive families and friends ever gave one to anyone…!
    thanks!

    Patricias last blog post..Book Review: Hats Off to Two Wonderful, World Changing Men and the Books About Them

  12. That damned roller-popper thing, Baby Tad, and the Backyardigans annoy the crap ou of me. I hid the roller cart. He hasn’t asked for it since. Thank god for short term memory.

    Matthew Drydens last blog post..I Didn’t Know If You’d Do It Or Not

  13. Blogger Dad says:

    Wow, thanks gang, the comments have been FUNNY today! This was a fun post.
    Deconstructing Jen – Thanks, and glad I could inspire your gift giving this year. I should have done some sort of afiliate thing so I could cash in on sales! And by the way, that Winnie the Pooh train was a gift to our son!

    Writer Dad – That sounds like a cool guitar for my new band!

    feefifoto – Anything Me Elmo – Best.Line.Today!

    Jennifer (Danifer) – Thanks, yes he is quite huggable. And he provides TONS of laughs! That pic of him on the train was taken while he was kicking back and watching Jack’s Big Music Show.

    Mom/Mum – Thanks! It seems that whenever we hide any of E’s toys, he manages to find them and retrieve them from Toy Purgatory. I’ll get to work on that warning for my site.

    GreenJello – I don’t mind the music-related toys as my son LOVES to dance. And I love to laugh at his dancing. I just wish it came with some sort of volume control.

    Urban Panther – Thank you for the info. The ‘the’ still remains a mystery.

    Kyddryn – LOL! It never dies. Ever. Awesome! New best line today! Never saw that toy. It is funny how the toys that annoy live on and on while the good toys seem to be in constant need of replacement, repair or batteries. And it’s good to see that the Christmas Spirit is alive and well in you!

    Orlund – a corn popper car?! Shhhh! Don’t tell my son!

    Patricia – Thank you for the nice words. And it’s little surprise that those Happy Parents gave you the toy! Perhaps we’ve discovered the secret to their happiness – they derive pleasure from giving evil toys!

    Matthew – Aw, you big meanie! LOL

    Blogger Dads last blog post..Review – Noisy toys to buy for people you don’t like this Holiday season

  14. Kyddryn says:

    Those happy parents? It’s drugs. Yep. All of them. At once. Plus liquor.

    Or they’ve had a psychotic break.

    But I bet it’s drugs…lots and lots of the good ones, with a Jim Beam chaser.

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K (who is so NOT a Happy Parent – I’m more of a grouchy parent with the occasional burst of sunlight to keep the kid on his toes)

    Kyddryns last blog post..Bon Apetit

  15. Tara says:

    Sheesh. I used a rude word and I’ve been moderated!
    I thought it was only Dave F who got spammed . . .

    Taras last blog post..Bum face

  16. Tara says:

    oh no, quarantined again!

    Taras last blog post..Bum face

  17. Blogger Dad says:

    Tara – I don’t know why you got moderated. I didn’t even see your first comment until tonight, yet it looks like the first one I got. Weird. Nothing intentional and I don’t see any words in your thing which would have sent it to spam. Words such as Fowler and other offensive things.

    I did just install akismet because I was getting about 500 porn spams a day (also no doubt due to Fowler). Maybe akismet doesn’t like you. :)

  18. Blogger Dad says:

    Kyddryn – Yeah, I figure anyone who is smiling that often is doing so with pharmaceutical help.

  19. Tara says:

    I will never use offensive words like Fowler/Flower again.

    Taras last blog post..Hair today, gone tomorrow.

  20. UrbanVox says:

    try the spiderman (or transformers or whichever super hero seems to be in fashion at the moment!!!) mobile phone for ages 1 to 5…
    The problems are not really the tones on the keys… the ring tone sings the most annoying chinese pop song EVER!!! and it goes on over and over and over again…
    It almost drove me to insanity!!!!!
    Top that…
    ;)

    UrbanVoxs last blog post..WTH just happened????

  21. Dave Fowler says:

    I knew you two scuz buckets were talking about me behind my back.