Screw Life Coaches, the world really needs Life Referees!

Have you noticed an explosion in the number of life coaches recently?  You can’t throw a rock without hitting one on the web these days – and it’s a fun sport I would highly recommend.

Of course, I am kidding. I would never advocate throwing rocks at life coaches. Because then you’d have to “talk about” the issues which drove you to throw a rock and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Before I offend a good portion of my readers, let me say, I’m not talking about all life coaches. There are some who know what they’re doing and have integrity, especially the ones who read Blogger Dad… Or did read Blogger Dad. And they’re a lot more reputable than those SEO Social Media Ninja Guru jerks!

At any rate, I’ve been thinking… what the world really needs aren’t more life coaches, but rather Life Referees!

We need someone with a whistle and some muscle to enforce some of the unwritten rules that we rely on to prevent society from drifting into chaos like a scene out of  some apocalyptic movie (and here I am thinking, Earnest Saves Christmas). There are lots of stupid people out there doing lots of stupid things and someone needs to put a stop to it so the rest of us can live normal lives.

I’m not sure how we can monetize Life Refs, but hey, there’s a market for everything, right? And come on, the job would be fun! Heck, I’d probably do it for free just to release the stress so many people cause me.

Here are some of the crackdowns I’d like to see, along with the penalties the guilty would have to serve.

• People who stop suddenly in front of you. Are people cognizant of anybody but themselves anymore? No matter where I go, there always seems to be someone blocking my path. I drive down my street and there is some guy parked sideways, blocking the entire road, while he looks at a map. Pull over idiot! Let the people who know what they’re doing go by. Worse than that are these jerks in the grocery store who wait until the exact moment that they are pushing their cart through the exit to come to a dead stop and start analyzing their receipt for any errors the cashier may have made. Penalty: These people will be forced to shop for two months in a busy store where all the other patrons are super obese people riding those carts which take up most of the aisle.
  
• People who act like the latest fad they stumbled across is the one true path to enlightenment, internet success or whatever the hell else they’re trying to sell you or convince themselves that they’re not in fact flushing their money down the toilet. It wouldn’t be so bad if they didn’t press you with the hard sale and fabricated success stories. Penalty for these people: 20 hours of sitting through a pyramid scheme sales presentation.
• People who sit near too close to you in the movie theater. On the rare occasions that I go to the movies, I try to go at a time when nobody else will be there. So why is it that in a roomful of empty seats, some jerk has to sit directly in front of or behind me? I wouldn’t mind if people would actually watch the movie rather than talk on their cell phones, talk to their friends or pull out eat a four course dinner consisting of the noisiest possible foods known to man. Penalty: These people will be forced to sit in a packed theater full of children during back to back to back screenings of straight-to-DVD children’s movies.
• Cars that drive side-by-side, 15 miles per hour under the speed limit and blocking both lanes of traffic. I’d like to see a law passed which would institute the death penalty for these people. Is that too much to ask?
• Newscasters who tease you with some tidbit like, “Up next, find out what common food, likely sitting in your cupboard, will cause your limbs to fall off” and then make you wait 57 minutes to find out what it is! If there is a real urgent alert that people ought to know about, LEAD WITH THAT FREAKING STORY, not all the fluff and filler you fill the hour with. Who cares what some idiots think about American Idol coming to town? Penalty: Will be forced to watch their own fluff for 24 hours.
• Cable networks that misuse the emergency broadcast signal. You’re familiar with the emergency broadcasting system, right? It’s that obnoxious beeping and buzzing which kills the audio of the show you are watching followed by a recorded announcement that says, “this is a weekly required test of the emergency broadcasting system, had this been a real emergency…blah, blah, blah.” The only problem is that my local cable company does this test EVERY SINGLE DAY and almost at the same time. It wouldn’t be a problem if it didn’t seem to occur at the end of whatever show I have on.

“And the murderer is…”

BEEEP BOOOOP BEEEEP BOOOP ”

“Coming up on next on Action News 6, this popular food, if eaten while watching TV, will cause your eyes to fall out. The name of this product is…”

BEEP BOOOP BEEEEP BOOOOP.

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