Separation anxiety squared
(note: this was a quick post done late at night, so it lacks the usual editing, photos or anything which makes the post a bit more palatable than my endless rambling.)
My son is experiencing separation anxiety.
Well, I should say, the whole house is experiencing my son’s separation anxiety.
At 19 months old, E is starting to need mommy and daddy A LOT! He MUST be with us at all times.
Sometimes, it’s cute. Like when he wants me to lay on the floor in the living room and play with him. If I already have a couch pillow on the floor – from an earlier play session – he pats it and says, “da da” and waits for me to lay next to him.
Today, he was all set to play with some of his connecting blocks when he noticed I didn’t have a pillow. He ran to the couch, grabbed it, and carried it over with two hands and placed it gently on the floor next to me and patted where he wanted me to lay my head.
“Da da”
Those kinds of moments melt my heart.
However, at night, it’s another story.
He is having on again/off again sleep problems. He’s had several bouts of either not going to bed on time or waking up and refusing to go back to sleep.
Last week, he was up until 2:30 a.m. one night – refusing to sleep, despite his normal bedtime routine being adhered to.
Normally, we bathe him, give him a snack, let him play and wind down and then read to him and give him a bottle with a little bit of milk while he lays in mine or my wife’s lap as we sit on the couch. Normally, this works like a charm and he falls asleep and we carry him to bed, and all is okay in the world.
Last week was not a normal week.
He either wakes up as we carry him to his room or he wakes up after we put him in the crib. Then he screams and cries and we have to repeat the whole bedtime process – well the laying on the couch part.
On Friday he wouldn’t fall asleep until 2:30 a.m.
On Saturday morning, when I woke up, my son saw me and got frightened – like I was going to put him to bed. My wife told him to give me a kiss. Only after he realized that I wasn’t going to take him to bed, would he consent.
Later, I read up on some sleep training, e-mailed a few people and got pretty much the same advice – break him of his need cold turkey. However, some people say doing so puts a psychological stress on your child and you should NEVER leave them alone when they are having separation anxiety.
I decided to try the cold turkey route, and hope I’m not turning him into a future psycho, or worse, writer/artist/blogger.
Saturday night, he fell asleep in my arms on the couch at 10:00 p.m. I put him down in his room, made it to the hallway where I was giving myself a congratulatory fist pump for getting him to sleep, when, “WAAAAA!!”
Crap!
I went in once, attempted to soothe him, but decided that I would not bring him back to the living room. He was not happy. I put him back in his crib. He cried for about 45 minutes total.
These kinds of moments break my heart.
He slept, though. It worked.
Sunday night, he went down about 8:40 p.m. I thought all would be okay until 12:30 a.m. when he started screaming.
I know he has been teething today, so I gave him some Infant’s Tylenol. I changed his diaper and gave him a bottle. I tried to put him back to bed after that.
That’s when he went ballistic. Long story short, I spent nearly three hours waiting him out on the couch, watching him fall asleep, only to have him wake each time I tried to get up and bring him to bed.
At 3:27 a.m. – yes, I remember the time – I said enough is enough and brought him to bed. He cried for about five minutes then fell asleep.
I am beat.
Not sure what I’ll do tomorrow. One of us is going to break. Odds are good it will be me.
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17 Responses to “Separation anxiety squared”
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been there, done that… got the t-shirt…
only thing that worked with TB was the cold turk stuff…
going in to calm him down only made things worse…
kiddo needs to know there are times for everything or you will neve have peace in the evenings again… and sleeping in your lap I would say it is a big no no…
I say that because it was the same with me…
and btw… these traumas are a necessary evil… the only way your son’s gonna learn… pretty much like learning to breathe. it will hurt but he will get something good from it…
UrbanVoxs last blog post..let it snow, let it snow let it… hey… where did it go???
Oh, damn. This. Explains. So. Much.
I think today was the first time that I skim your entry and catch the headlines. Because there wasn’t any to catch. There is something to be said for entries like this.
These days, when I am able to put my son down, I read him a story while he’s in his crib – then he leafs through it for 5 minutes and knows he has to go to sleep. He goes to the bed at the same time every night.
If he wakes up, we keep him in his room – we don’t bring him back out, ever. My ex knows a little more about this kind of thing, but from my understand – you need to separate bedtime places and other places. We were pretty merciless once he started abusing his crying and our sympathy for him. It was tough listening to him crying, but after a week or so, he cried less and less, and eventually just accepted that he was going to sleep, whether he liked it or not.
Right on Matthew. True that. E will get it, yes he will. The last thing we want is to turn that kid into a blogger! : > )
Writer Dads last blog post..Happy Birthday, Pop
I remember those days with Bella. She would wake up at 2:00 AM for like a month straight. My wife hates it when our kids cry like that. So she would push me out of the bed to go calm her down. After a month of almost no sleep (no, not even on the weekends) I had enough. Told my wife that she is going to cry and that my wife is not allowed in there. I actually spent more energy and time keeping my wife out of her room than it would for me to go in there myself. She pretty much sleeps through the nights again, but every once in a while she will get up and start screaming for us. Now I just have to break the habit of her waking up at 6:00 every morning…when do they start WANTING to sleep in? I hope it is sometime soon.
Sals last blog post..A Horse is a Horse of Course
Oh, sugar, I’m so sorry – walking away when your little one is crying is just awful…even when you know it’s for the best.
I hope he settles down soon – teething and separation anxiety can be Hell.
But…what’s wrong with being a blogger????
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
Kyddryns last blog post..Now, That Ain’t Right
It is super tough to get through this growing pain. I experienced it with both of my kids. Listening to them cry is the hardest, but something very important to do. I think you are following the right path by reading books about what to do and pulling information from all different avenues. You will find one that works and then the next week, things will be better. When it starts again, you will try what you remembered to work before and this time it will not. Back to the drawing board. Hang in there, it does end eventually and then one day, when they are about 12 years old, they will kiss you goodnight, lay their head down, without any complaints, and fall fast asleep.
Jennifer (Danifer)s last blog post..Baby Bump? Are You Kidding Me?
I know I’m probably going to have banana skins and tomatoes thrown at me for saying this, but both my children have slept through since a very early age and never ever wake up in the night (apart from if they’re ill).
when I read your post the first thing that struck me was the letting him fall asleep in your arms on the sofa. A BIG no no in our house.
You have to teach him to settle himself in his own bed, otherwise every time he wakes he won’t be used to it and will expect to be soothed to sleep with a bottle/a hug etc.
It is really really hard to begin with, I won’t lie to you. And Sal said, keeping me out of the room was probably the hardest job! But as long as you know they are safe and not ill or hungry or wet then letting them cry is the best bet in the long run. He will learn to self sooth and to go back to sleep on his own.
You really do need to get your life back or you will be doing this until he’s 16!
It can’t be good for the little man either because he’s not getting a good nights sleep if he’s waking.
I wish you the very best BD, because it’s a really difficult time.
I’ll email you seperately with the details of how we did it if it helps.
Taras last blog post..Stress is . . . a meal out with children
My kids got a “real” bed by their first birthday. That way, if they woke up in the middle of the night, it was easy for me to go in their room and lie down next to them until they fell asleep again. And, if they were really fearful for whatever reason, I could at least sleep at the same time they were in their bed.
I found that this method works REALLY well, and the episodes of night awakenings lessen considerably.
GreenJellos last blog post..Quotable Quotes
I cheated. My first husband walked out when the kids were 3 and 1. As long as we stayed in that house, they were fine, but when we moved, all hell broke loose. I was a single parent working two jobs and not in the best health. If I was going to function, I had to get sleep. We had a family bed until they were 3 and 5, at which time the habit was broken by mutual agreement, though not without tears on my daughter’s part. It took surprisingly little time because we were ready, I guess.
I read about five years later that Spock and Brazelton finally admitted there were times when it was “okay,” such as when it was about the only time the kids got closeness to their parent. I wish they had decided that sooner. I suffered guilt for two years, but we got sleep.
This is not an option for two parent households. It worked for me in the early 90s, in rough circumstances,that’s all.
Stay firm, keep him in his room, make being in his room part of his bedtime routine. He’ll get the hang of it.
Oh I know this pain all too well. Sucks! Hopefully it passes soon.
Jen, buried with childrens last blog post..A Typical Conversation
I agree with Green Jello about the bed. That’s the only thing that got my kids out of my bed. Although they still try to sneak in from time to time.
I know it’s unpopular here, but most societies do not make children sleep alone, in a separate room. It’s normal for him to be upset when he finds himself alone at night.
From a developmental point of view, I don’t agree with letting an infant or toddler cry it out. Ever. The only reason it would be encouraged is if the parent or caregiver is completely stressed out and is afraid he or she might harm the child.
These patterns that are forming right now shape his behavior for the rest of his life. His brain is growing rapidly and is susceptible to the effects of stress.
I always got up with them and often held hands through the crib until they fell back asleep. It’s a pain to get up every time, but it builds a trust that you will always be there. it doesn’t last forever, it just seems that way.
Jamie Simmermans last blog post..OBS Tips: Tackling the Impossible Task
Thanks to everyone for their responses. Would have responded earlier, but I had E today and couldn’t get to the computer.
Urban Vox – Thanks, I hope it gets easier.
Matthew – Thanks. This post was surprisingly long for something I wrote quickly in stream of thought.
Writer Dad – Yeah, I don’t want my kid posting HIS version of these stories on the web! Suddenly, I’ll be the butt of the jokes.
Sal – A month straight? Oh God. As to your other question – they will want to sleep in once they have to start going to school.
Kyddryn – Thanks. And there’s nothing at all wrong with being a blogger. But being a writer/artist/blogger, now THAT is a recipe for disaster.
Jennifer – Thanks. Though I doubt my son will be kissing me goodnight when he’s 12. Very few father/son relationships are good once the child hits middle school and begins finding his way in the world. At least if I had a girl, she would always love her daddy.
Tara – on behalf of all the jealous parents, thanks for rubbing it in our faces, jerk! Thanks for the info. The only downside to what you said is the whole “when they’re sick thing”. My son gets colds a lot! So, what do you do when they’re sick? Comfort them on the couch and rock them to sleep?
GreenJello – I’ll pass that on to my wife. I’m far too big to fit in his bed by myself, let alone with another human.
BJ Keltz – I wouldn’t mind that if I didn’t toss and turn like a caged bear. I’d be afraid to let him sleep in the same bed as me. He’d either get squished or waken every time I start moving around.
Jen – thank you. Yeah, you have a bit more experience with this than me.
Jamie – E isn’t happy with a hand holding through the crib. When I go in, he screams until I take him out of the crib. What I didn’t say last night is that despite his limited vocabulary, I swear he actually said, “I don’t wanna sleep in there” while he was crying and pointing at the crib. It was sad. Here I was already to leave him alone to cry it out and then you came in saying what I fear to be the case. (stews in guilt looking for middle ground).
Blogger Dads last blog post..Separation anxiety squared
You’re going to get so many different points of view when it comes to what do in these circumstances as different things work for different children.
I’m afraid I don’t buy into that whole you can’t let them cry ever as it will affect them for the rest of their lives and cause them stress.
There is a big hoo ha in England at the moment because some researchers have said that you are causing your toddler undue stress if you put them in a forward facing pushchair so they can’t see you.
Haven’t we been doing that for years? Is this what they’re now blaming our ‘difficult’ generation of children on?
I find it all a bit ridiculous.
Children cry. All the time. Soon they learn to do it for attention and if you give them that attention they will constantly crave it and never learn to self sooth with is such an important skill for them.
No child should have to wake up in the night desperate for a hand to hold, they should be happy in their beds, happy to go to their beds and see them as a comforting place to be.
Sure you go in to them and let them know you are there if they need you, but giving in to their wants, be it a bottle, a cuddle, or a talk, will set a bad habit for years to come.
Young children need up to 12 hours sleep a night to develop and they’re not getting that if they’re constantly waking calling for you and waiting for you to come in and settle them back down again.
OK rant over! I really do wish you all the best BD as it can be really tough and totally energy sapping – especially on you and your wife.
Plus we need you back up to blogging speed.
Taras last blog post..An apology
My only advice is that winding down for bed occurs in the bedroom, no where else. And falling asleep occurs in the bed, not in your arms. That being said I totally SUCKED at letting my kids cry it out. Just like Sal, my husband would block me from entering their room.
Urban Panthers last blog post..Are sweatpants disrespectful?
I have to agree with Tara on this one: No child has ever died from crying. Yes, it’s hard at first. It sucks eggs. But you need to be an affective parent, and lack of sleep prevents that from happening. With my first one, he did really well on sleeping, woke a few time during the night, but eventually slept through the night (especially once naps ended). The trouble came when we took a trip over seas for a month. He was 20 months old and slept with us nearly the whole time. When we got back, he had a hard time adjusting back to the time zone and his crib. We had to readjust quickly because we had to go back to work. Well, my son wouldn’t have any of it. He’d be awake nearly the whole night. A couple of nights later, I’d had enough. So I let him cry it out. He cried for 3 hours straight. It was hard, I was awake, and my husband was having an anxiety attack, but I kept him from going in. The next night my son cried for half that time. The third night, just 5 minutes. After, no problems.
Now, my second son, on the other hand, not as good a sleeper. But it’s my fault, and I take full responsibility. He was my last child and wanted to savor every bit I could, so I cuddled extra at night, let him fall asleep in my arms, let him sleep with me for naps, etc. He’s 3 1/2 now and still wakes during the night sometimes (1-2 times/week). When we put him down, he’ll get out of bed several times before he’ll settle down. He’s getting to be a better sleeper, but it’s definitely taken longer than the first time around.
But one thing I was consistent on: They slept only in their rooms at night. I didn’t let them fall asleep downstairs or anywhere else. If the need is to soothe, then do it in your son’s room, try not to take him out of his crib. He needs to get used to falling asleep there. Maybe place a hand on his chest with a little comfort pressure until he falls asleep and lessen the pressure gradually (I used to do this with #1), and over a period of time, lessen the amount of time you stay. Something else you can try is right before bed time each time for a while, talk him about the routine and your expectations for him. I know that may sound like a lot of work, but part of his being upset could be that his routine and expectations of how he’s going to fall asleep (in your arms) aren’t being realized any more and that could be disconcerting (even more so to waken where he didn’t fall asleep, I would think). Of course, reassure him that you’re still in the house, etc. Maybe also get him a night light if waking in the dark is bothersome for him.
Whatever you decide, follow your instincts, try whatever you think might work until you hit on the one that does. With #2, putting my hand on his chest didn’t work, but sitting in the rocking chair (later on the floor by the door) while he fell asleep in his crib did. I know all of this is sounds crazy, but if you’ve set up certain patterns, then try to break them suddenly, I think it’s hard on the little ones. But they do adjust quickly, and crying really won’t hurt them. Sometimes I think it’s a good thing, as it releases the last of their energies.
Good luck!
Best trick we learned with our tonn of kids is to put them down for sleep, and let them cry it out. Some days, we cried with them, but in the other room. Some days, we were exhausted and just wanting to give up. But at his age, no matter what your heart thinks, he does understand the actio-reaction concept ~ he cries, he gets picked up. We tried to go in the room and cal them down. we tried to bring them in bed with us. We tried to bribe them. {especially when we were totally sleep-lossed for 5 days or more} Ultimately though, it was the tough love that worked. As a parent, it is the worst thing in the world. but your child does need to eventually learn that a) some things he has to do himself; b)his parents love him no matter what; c)he is not the boss.
I wish you much luck in this, and hope it doesn’t last too long. To put things in perspective though {espeically when we did the whole potty-training thing..ugh!}: Some day, he will sleep by himself. By the time he gets married, it will be done.
Rosie : )s last blog post..When all is quiet…
Y’know, he probably DOESN’T want to sleep in the crib. At his age, it’s most likely scary for him. Baby jail. We see it as protection, he probably sees it as something else.
I really would suggest getting him his own “big boy” bed. That way, he won’t feel locked in and helpless.
Think about how you would feel in an adult sized crib!
GreenJellos last blog post..Wordless Wednesday