Feel free to email me at IDrawComics (at) gmail.com or leave a comment here and I’ll respond. If you are really ashamed of yourself — and you probably should be for emailing a make believe advice columnist — you can ask me to withhold your name and I will do so.

Disclaimer: If you actually take my advice, you should probably seek professional help from someone more qualified.

Dear Blogger Dad,

Why does my husband curse at the TV while watching sports?

-Anonymous Mom

Dear Anonymous Mom,

Hmm, you’re not writing from the next room, are you?

Men have been cursing at TV’s for years – at least as long as live sports have aired. While it might seem like another example of typical boorish male behavior, it’s actually quite the opposite.

You see, sports teams NEED men to yell at the TV when players do something stupid, when coaches make horrible decisions, and especially when referees make bad calls because their heads are lodged firmly in their asses. The cumulative psychic energy of millions of men yelling simultaneously at their TV’s has been scientifically proven to actually change the momentum of a game (according to a report I once read on the internet).

And while your husband could, I suppose, use less vulgar words, we all know that vulgarities carry a far more powerful force. Which of the below do you feel is more powerful?

• Golly Gee, Ref, I do believe that you made a mistake.
• What the F*&#, REF? Are you f*#^%ing blind?! How can you miss such an obvious mother#$*ing call, you f*&#ing f%#@*head!

So, try not to be so hard on your husband. In this dog-eat-dog world of people only concerned with themselves, your husband’s devotion should be commended and encouraged.

Blogger Dad

Dear Blogger Dad,

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? And how can I emulate said beardlessness? Since you know, shaving is such a chore.

Marc

Dear Marc,

Why would you want to be beardless? Beards are awesome and a sure sign of your manliness!

REAL MEN don’t worry about societal norms such as being clean shaven. Leave that to male models and other girly guys. Embrace your manly nature and grow as big a beard as you can handle!

As for Tarzan’s lack of stubble, I’m not sure how to tell you this, but he wasn’t real. He was, in fact, played by a Hollywood actor. And as we know, most actors skew a bit girly on the man-0-meter (as demonstrated below).

Dear Blogger Dad,

Hi, I sent you an email earlier and I thought I would reiterate that the sporting event my husband was cursing at on the TV was recorded and not live. He was yelling at an event at which the outcome was already decided!

Anonymous Mom

Dear Anonymous Mom,

While it might seem that yelling at events which have already happened wouldn’t do any good, you have to consider that time and space are not firmly fixed points. In fact, the louder and more expletive-laden your man’s curses are, the more likely they are to transcend the time-space barrier and actually travel back in time to affect the outcome of said events.

Blogger Dad

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Since I’ve been off for a while, I don’t have any new questions to respond to, so I figured I’d respond to other advice columnists’ questions. Because let’s face it, I give way better advice than the “experts.”

Up first, a young woman wrote into Miss Manners recently. I’m going to paraphrase the original article , so I don’t face the wrath of the Miss Manners legal team, which I’ll bet are not nearly concerned with manners as she is.

Dear Miss Manners,
There is this young man I recently met who wants to go out with me. The problem is, I’m not interested in him at all. However, he doesn’t seem to be getting the hints. I just want him to leave me alone. Should I be forward and direct or tell some white lie to dissuade him? How should a lady properly handle this?
-Not Interested

Miss Manners said she normally avoids telling women to be frank with declarations of distaste as it can descend into insults. However, if the guy isn’t getting the hints, or is ignoring them, she should be direct about her disinterest without giving reasons.

While, I’m sure that might have worked in Miss Manners’ perfect world, it’s not how the real world works. Here’s how I would answer the question.

Dear Not Interested,
As most women know, the harder you are “to get”, the more a guy will want to be with you. There is some part of the male brain (yes ladies the male brain does exist; it is not a myth) which conditions us to always want what we can’t have. It’s probably left over from the hunter/gatherer phase of evolution, where men were in charge of hunting dinosaurs and gathering saber tooth tigers to use to punch their time cards.

In short, the more a man can’t have an item, the more the man will want that item. It doesn’t matter if it’s a “rare” baseball card, a woman, or a box of rusty hypodermic needles. You tell a guy that he can’t have it, or worse, some other guy might get it first, HE WILL WANT IT.

So, the secret to getting a guy “not” to want you is fairly simple. Here is my four phase plan to get any guy to leave you alone.

Step One: Act like you want him.

Not just like him, but you LOVE him. Shower him with attention. Call him every day, or better, every 20 minutes. Ask him about his day and make sure you tell him every detail about yours. Don’t leave ANY bit of minutia out. If you were considering having a light vinaigrette dressing on your salad, but instead decided to indulge and go with the Ranch, and not the light or No Fat Ranch, but the extra creamy fat-laden buttermilk version, by all means, TELL HIM! And don’t just tell him about your day, but tell him what’s going on with all your relatives, friends, and hell, even people you don’t know!

Step two is to smother him. Make sure he is always nearby. If he has to go out, make sure he is available via cellphone. You should probably get him an emergency cellphone which will only be used for your calls. Make sure you call him often and ask what he’s doing and when he’ll be home. Even if he’s at work and never comes home before 6:30 p.m., there’s no reason you can’t start calling him at 11 a.m. and asking, just in case he decides to come home early. And when he does return home, make sure you ask him about every detail of his day THE MINUTE HE WALKS THROUGH THE DOOR!

Step Three: If he’s not already out the door, make friends with his mom. Find out his mom’s mannerisms and do your best to adopt them for yourself. If you can find a way to nag him using the exact phrases his mom uses, you should have no problems in sending him for the hills.

Step Four: If all else fails, marry him. With a bit of careful planning and sticking to the rules as laid out above, he should be out of your life in a year or two, tops.

-Blogger Dad

Got any questions for me? Leave one in the comments or email me at idrawcomics (at gmail dot com) and you’ll be featured here and in the inevitable books of wisdom I will be asked to write.

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Second, I’ve got an awesome announcement to make, but I’ll save that for the end of this post.

This might surprise some of you, but most of my readers are female. I haven’t done any research into this, I’m going straight off my instincts, judging from the comments and emails I get. It doesn’t surprise me, though.

Growing up, most of my friends were girls. Seeing that I was not a) scoring with these girls and b) not in the drama club, I was something of an anomaly in my school.

I just happened to click with girls better than boys. It put me in a unique position of knowing how both guys and girls tick and why they rarely tick at the same speed. Well, as much as a guy can hope to know how a woman ticks, anyway.

If only I’d thought to put out a book at the time or something, I’d be incredibly rich now like that little arrogant kid that recently wrote a book on how to talk to girls. What does he know about talking to girls? He’s like what, 11? Hell, I could’ve written a book on how to UNDERSTAND girls! My book would have been so much more awesome than his!

One of the comments I get most from new female readers is that they like my blog because it gives them a chance to see parenting from a man’s perspective.

Many women complain that the innermost thoughts of the men in their lives are a mystery to them. Chances are good that your guy’s innermost thoughts are a mystery to them, too. A lot of guys don’t like to examine their thoughts too closely. Now before you think I’m bagging on guys, I’m not. We have good reason to be like we are.

Now, here’s the secret about men

It’s not that men don’t like to talk about our thoughts, it’s just that we’ve learned that doing so usually leads to… more talking about our thoughts!

There’s only so much talking we can do before we realize we’re running around the same track over and over with no hope of getting off. We’d rather take action, even if we do so without much thought sometimes.

Women, on the other hand, loooove to talk!

Women can have the EXACT SAME CONVERSATION 200 times. In fact, I think they prefer to have the same conversation, rather than a new one. It’s as comfortable a routine as crying while eating a half gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream (a flavor which only women like, by the way). Especially if that conversation involves:

• why can’t they lose weight? (as they eat more ice cream)
• what a jerk their boyfriend is
• what a bitch (insert friend/frienemy/co-worker name here) is
• why won’t their boyfriend be less of a jerk?
• why their jerky boyfriend would rather hang out with his friends rather than her

Most guys on the other hand, don’t care to talk about things they have no control over. Especially when there’s a game on TV.

And in the days of 17 ESPN channels, there’s ALWAYS a game on TV.

Being in the position of having many female friends who wouldn’t sleep with me, we wound up talking. A lot. And I became sort of the Answer Guy to many of them. And ladies, there’s nothing more that a guy you won’t sleep with loves than being asked questions about other guys. Oh yeah.

Guys also came to me for advice when they didn’t know how to deal with the girls making their lives miserable.

And I always had the right answer. It’s one of the few talents I possess – always knowing what other people ought to do.

Of course, very few people actually heed my advice. Most people ask advice only to affirm the bad decision they’ve already chosen. Which means, of course, more conversations about the same damned things.

So, I figured as a service to both sexes, I would start answering questions for my readers. I’m going to call it Ask Blogger Dad. Sort of an advice column, but with a bit less cursing, and not nearly as cool as The (awesome) Blogess’s column.

So, if you have questions about anything, and want a sarcastic/and or a funny response, rather than real constructive  advice, comment here or send me an email at idrawcomics (at) gmail.com with “Ask Blogger Dad” as the subject line, and I just might answer it. If you comment here, I will use your name and url in the column. If you email me, you can specify if you want your name used.

Now, here’s the Big News.

I’ve been asked to write over at Chris Brogan’s Dad-O-Matic, a group blog with several awesome dads writing at it. I’m not sure if they recently lowered writing standards or if they actually like my stuff, but at any rate, they said I could write whatever I want.Well, probably not ANYTHING I want. But you get the idea.

So, I figured why not bring this new Ask Blogger Dad feature to their site?

If I get questions right away, I’ll post them this week and you’ll be the first to know when it goes live!

In other news…

Have you seen the re-design I did of Writer Dad’s site? Check it out. And while you’re at it, read his GREAT post on how to make your children better writers.

Collective Inkwell published the second installment of the vampire serial Available Darkness on Friday. If you missed part one, click here to catch up. We’re getting some great feedback.

Is this as good as it gets? Check out another unhappy comic for unhappy people over at IDrawComics which is probably why I’ll never get syndicated.

I got an award from the awesome Ribbon, which you can check out here. A huge thanks for the honor, Ribbon! I would post the image, but it’s got flowers, lots of pink flowers, and I think this post if this post gets an girlier, the other dads will likely point and laugh.

I’ve been meeting lots of cool new bloggers on Twitter. I’ve also had a lot of fun conversations the past week. I’ll post some highlights later in the week.

Want BloggerDad delivered to your email every time I post? Well, you’re not alone. Join the literally tens of others who have already subscribed for free! Email not your thing? That’s okay, you can also subscribe via RSS.

Content is copyright 2009 BloggerDad.com. If you are reading this on any site other than www.Bloggerdad.com or your personal RSS reader, then you may be reading it on a site which steals content. And a site like that is probably up to all kinds of no good.