Bad Haircut Part Two: Electric Boogaloo

David — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 06:25:28 +0000

(Note: If you missed yesterday’s haircut post, go back and read that first.)

My wife asked me to get my hair fixed today.

“Is it that bad,” I asked.

“I’ll tell you when you come back,” she said.

“No, tell me now.”

“You look like Moe,” she said. As in Three Stooges Moe.

Ouch.

Of course, it would figure that in addition to having a Moe haircut, I also have a cold sore on my lip which popped up overnight. I briefly considered going out with a bag on my head.

So I went to my normal place. My normal stylist wasn’t there, though.

It seems that whenever I find someone capable of cutting my hair, they never last long in one shop. They either leave for greener pastures, get fired or just plain vanish. Such is the nature of the industry, I suppose. Or the nature of my luck.

So, the only people in the shop today were Really Old Lady who gives 70′s hair cuts, Really Obese Woman who is too lazy to get up from the chair when you walk in, and Girl Who Gave me my second worst haircut, about two years ago. Somehow the BAD stylists seem to stay in a shop forever. You can’t get rid of them!

Then I saw my only hope for Hair Hell Salvation – this artsy-looking girl with tattoos and a cool hairstyle. Surely, SHE knows how to cut hair and could make me look cool. Well, as cool as I can look, anyway.

When I sat in her chair, I told her about my haircut horror story. She laughed, then told me that she got her start at That Place I went to yesterday. We swapped horror stories, bonding over Hair Hell.

After my awesome haircut, I thanked her and told her she’s my new Stylist Of Choice. I’m sure she was impressed to be HairStylist to BloggerDad! She’s probably blogging about it as we speak.

Dear blog, today I had the goofiest looking client ever. He looked like Moe from The Three Stooges. Moe with a cold sore.

As always, thanks for reading!

Come back tomorrow for the grossest story you’ll read this week.

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Collective Inkwell, a contest and a haircut

David — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 07:39:48 +0000

Collective Inkwell went live on Monday! Thanks to everyone who stopped by for the opening day post. We’ve got some exciting stuff lined up including interviews with some awesome people that I’m psyched to have lined up. This site is truly going to be a treat for anyone with creative interests.

Are you a writer?

Collective Inkwell will be kicking off its first contest later today (Wednesday), open to bloggers who like writing fiction. The grand prize will be all kinds of awesome for those wanting to take their blog to the next level.

The haircut story

I got a bad haircut today.

Not just a bad haircut, but maybe the WORST HAIRCUT EVER! The kind you’d see from a blind and mentally slow guy who got hold of the scissors when nobody was looking and decided to give himself a new style. Except, I paid for this one.

The back story: I told my wife that I needed to get a haircut today. My hair is getting long. And while it looks awesomely cool when its long, it looks horrible in that in-between short and long stage. And I just haven’t had the patience to grow it back out. While most guys have probably stopped reading by now, I’m sure the women know what I’m talking about.

My wife took issue with me wanting to get my hair cut.

“I haven’t had my hair done in months,” she said, “but you’ve had two haircuts.”

Reason – because we’ve been watching our money very carefully.

Of course MY haircuts are a whole lot cheaper than hers – though I wasn’t about to mention that! I might be dumb enough to post it on my blog, but not dumb enough to say it in person. Sorry, honey!

Fact is, she works hard while I am attempting to make a few different things come together, so she certainly deserves to get her hair done and feel all pretty and stuff. She is the best wife a guy could ask for and believe me, I feel horrible that our lifestyle has downgraded in the past year.

I told her to make an appointment and get her hair done. I hadn’t realized how long it had been.

A little while later, she told me to go ahead and get my hair cut. Our son’s second birthday is this weekend and we’re going to have people over and I ought not look like a Wolf Man.

Rather than go to my usual place, which is $14 plus tip, she asked me to go to That Place.

You know the place I’m talking about. THAT PLACE. The one with a GIANT $7 HAIRCUTS sign in the window. The place where the staff boasts hair styles you haven’t seen since the 80′s – Mall Hair.

Yeah, That Place.

I didn’t complain. It IS only hair after all, and what’s the worse they can do?

I arrived just as the small shop’s two proprietors finished slamming back bottles of Jack Daniels. Okay, maybe not. Maybe.

I asked if I could get a hair cut.

The older of the two woman (both in their 40′s) looked at the clock – it was 10 minutes before they closed – and she asked the younger, “Can you cut his hair in three minutes?”

Oh God.

They battled over who would have to cut my hair, being so close to closing time and all, and the older woman was left holding the scissors. She asked what kind of cut I wanted.

Scared, I said, “just a trim.”

She proceeded to get a bowl from the counter, placed it around my head and snipped away.

Okay, not really, but if you saw my hair, you would totally think that.

Meanwhile, the younger and more overweight of the two, was complaining to us about how women are all “bitches” and they don’t know how to tip and how the shop would have to start charging “these bitches” more.

A delicate flower of femininity

“They F*#cked themselves,” the woman said as she doused herself in enough perfume to mask the scent of the most decayed of corpses. She then made plans to go next door and molest the guy who worked there. She dropped the F bomb a few more times, talking about bitchy women and complained about how cell phones were “F*#king things up for men because they can’t cheat any more because their bitches are always calling them and checking in on them.”

I guess this was putting a cramp in her dating life.

Did I mention that this was my first time getting my hair cut here?

Total haircut time: 8 minutes.

A good scissor cut should not take eight minutes!

I’ve been to enough real salons (the kind which charge you enough to wonder if the price included an erotic massage) to know that a decent haircut takes time to do right. I’ve had stylists take 40 minutes plus to do my hair. And I always tip them well for their time.

As the woman finished my haircut, she said, “you look great” over and over as if repeating it would make it true, or at least make me believe it.

I was friendly, paid my bill, tipped her and left.

I got home and…

my wife laughed.

And laughed.

“That looks…,” she struggled to find the right words. There were no words to describe THIS.

She suggested going back and having them fix it tomorrow. I told her that I wouldn’t go back there again unless asked by law enforcement deputies to point out the suspects.

“Well, go to your place,” she said, “just get it fixed.”

No, that would defeat the purpose of saving money. I’m not going there.

“You can’t look like that for the party,” she said.

Wanna bet?