Yes, the same “melts in your mouth not in your hands” candy that we all know and love is evil. Or more accurately, it has brought out the dark side of my son. There we were in the kitchen, with my two year old son, E, throwing himself to the floor, red-faced and crying, “I WANT CHOC-O-LATE!”

It was like a scene from The Exorcist where my kind, sweet baby had suddenly been possessed by a demon.

Oh yeah, it was also 7:20 a.m. and he wanted M&M’s for breakfast.

And who is to blame for bringing this evil into my house?

Well, my wife says I am, because I bought the candy when we were in the grocery store last week. Oddly, moments before I bought the M&M’s, I was thinking, as I strolled through the candy aisle with my son in the shopping cart, how lucky I am that he doesn’t know what candy is.

Suddenly, his little arm shot forward and his mouth made an excited “O” usually reserved for spotting toys he wants, and he shouted (yes, shouted), “Ooh, Ooh! M’s!”

I had forgotten that in July, my wife’s sister gave her children M&M’s as a nightly snack while she was staying with us for the month. To that point, my son had never had candy, save for a tiny bite of a candy bar last Halloween. But when he saw all the other girls having “M’s,” as he calls them, he had to have some, too. And my sister-in-law gave him some. And now, months later, like some subliminal instruction waiting for a prompt, the Chocolate Monster has reared its ugly head.

And I am totally blaming my sister-in-law.

I was upset when I’d heard she gave him candy, but held my tongue. I can’t expect my child to never have candy. I can’t let my own experience with obesity cloud his enjoyment of food. Right? And her kids eat candy on occasion and they are all still skinny.

It’s tough for me to let him eat candy without picturing him sliding down a candy slide into a real-life version of Candy Land, never to eat healthy food again. He’s a skinny kid who likes a wide variety of food, including vegetables, which I am allergic to (at least that’s the story I tell when asked), and I want to see him stay that way.

So, there he was this morning, kicking and screaming, throwing a tantrum the likes of which I’ve only seen other kids throw. You know, those little jerks. The chocolate had brought out a side of my son that, and I feel a bit guilty here, that I don’t really like.

I tried to calm him down and explain that M’s are for snack, after dinner. Certainly not first thing in the morning. I promised he could have some later, but only if he stops crying. Everything I was saying seemed weak and all wrong. My wife then tried to calm him down and offered him cereal.

He ate the cereal begrudgingly, eating and crying at the same time.

It was truly a pathetic scene. I was frustrated and annoyed and…

And was craving some chocolate.

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People want me to open up my space here to sell you all sorts of stuff you don’t want or need. Such as:

• get rich quick schemes
• home improvement items
• miracle weight loss pills
• shady blogging affiliate programs
• and tons of other questionable products

The funny thing is how these marketers approach me in emails. They act like big fans of the blog (even if they can’t always remember my name) who just want to offer me an opportunity. How nice of them.

They think if they say some nice words or offer me some free samples of whatever they’re pitching, that I’ll let them advertise here for free or will write a review and do their work for them.

Does this actually work on other bloggers? Are there people out there who are so eager to be liked or get some free trinkets that they’ll sell out their space and their readers?

Last week, I got an email from a PR person, asking me to help pitch a contest for a candy bar company. I am including the email below. I’ve deleted the name of the person, her company and the product, so as not to be a complete jerk.

Hi,

I hope you will forgive this email out of the blue! My name is _______, and I work for_________ a PR agency. We are currently working with ________ on their latest campaign and new competition, to find the new face and personality of (a chocolate bar.)

________ is launching a search throughout the UK and Ireland to find six funny kids between the ages of 4 and 11 to appear on the front of the iconic packs (and it hasn’t changed for the last 12 years!). Having read your blog, I thought you may be interested in highlighting this campaign and competition; for you and your family to possibly take part and for your readers who may be interested in getting involved!

Parents or guardians will be able to take part in this competition by submitting a picture and a funny quote from their child, or even a cute anecdote. 100 children with the most public votes will become our semi finalists. 30 children will then be short-listed by a panel, including a celebrity judge, who will all be awarded great prizes.

If you would like to find out more about this campaign and competition, please let me know and I would be more than happy to provide you with more details and information.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Warm regards,

Now I know I am likely overreacting to this particular email, but let this serve as a warning to all marketers who want to pitch to my readers.

Don’t pitch me crap.

The thing that ticks me off most is how she claims that after reading my blog, she felt I would love to promote her candy pimping contest aimed at kids aged 4-11.

Really?

What did you read that led you to this conclusion?

• Was it something about my two year old son, who is still two years away from being of age to enter the contest?
• Was it my rant about being overweight most of my life and trying to ensure my son eats healthy?
• Maybe it was one of my comics aimed at soulless marketers pimping crappy stuff to kids?
• Maybe it’s that I don’t live anywhere near the UK, where the contest is being held?
• Maybe it was my post about my cousin being robbed and shot by  a man dressed as a candy bar?

Okay, that last one wasn’t true. But it doesn’t matter because I’m fairly certain she isn’t reading this blog.

It’s not that I am above advertising

Just don’t blow smoke up my butt. Treat me and my readers with some respect. Or in the very least, offer me something I actually want or something I won’t feel like a fraud or an irresponsible bastard for selling to my audience.

Like a PlayStation 3 or an X-Box 360.

So, in the category of ‘You Wanted it, You’ve Got it’

I decided to go ahead and help you spotlight your contest, after all. No, my son isn’t old enough to pimp your sweet treats. So, I decided to use my artistic talents and present you with the perfect child for your campaign. A child who should fit well with your target demographic.

If you’d like to thank me, I’ll take a free box of chocolates.

So, what kind of products have you been pitched? Is there any product mention you’ve ever regretted doing on your blog?

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Content is copyright 2009 BloggerDad.com. If you are reading this on any site other than www.Bloggerdad.com or your personal RSS reader, then you may be reading it on a site which steals content. And a site like that is probably up to all kinds of no good.