The thing about a DVD rental box, is that there is a sense of pressure to make your movie selection as quickly as possible so as not to hold up the line.

At least, I feel a need to rush. Other people, it turns out, don’t really give a damn.

While there weren’t too many people in line, the people in front of me were taking forever to pick their movies. Meanwhile, a small line began to grow behind me. I decided that I would be a Good Neighbor and make my movie choice quickly. People would marvel at my speed and efficiency.

Legends would be told and songs would be sung to grandchildren about the man who rented quickly!

I spotted my movie, Body of Lies, on the “New features” board on the side of the Redbox vending machine.

When I got the computer screen to choose my DVD, I learned that Body of Lies wasn’t in stock.

Oh crap. I didn’t have a backup movie.

Sensing a crowd lighting their torches behind me, I quickly scanned for anything even remotely worth watching. I spotted a cheesy looking DVD called The Day the Earth Stopped. I wonder how many people mistakenly rented it, thinking it’s the Keanu Reeves movie, The Day the Earth Stood Still?

Eager to make a quick selection, I scanned quickly and settled on the latest X-Files movie (which lacked any real action, special effects or a budget beyond the average X-Files episode).

Boom. In, out, less than a minute flat! As I left, I told the couple behind me about the free online code I got, so they could also get a free movie. Pay it Forward kinda thing.

“Aw, you are so nice,” the woman said.

Just an Awesome DVD renter, thank you very much! And then I lept into the sky and flew away.

Overall, I was pleasantly surprised with the rental experience and ready to sing Redbox’s praises from my rooftop and swear off the overpriced video stores. “One dollar movies in convenient vending machines! Yay!”

And then the next day, I went to return the movie.

The return experience, not so good.

As I pulled up, I noticed that the entire city had seemingly taken a vacation day from work to stand in line at the Redbox.

Great.

I considered driving on and just paying the extra dollar to return the movie at another time. And then it hit me why the rentals only cost one dollar… most people probably keep the movies for days at a time because they don’t feel like standing in line. This is where they get you. Standing in line to choose a movie is not a big deal because you WANT the movie. But nobody wants to wait to RETURN a movie!

Well, I’m not gonna let Redbox get over on me!

15 minutes later…

I was standing in a line full of people who approached their rental decision with the care and precision usually reserved for important life altering decisions such as deciding whether or not you’re going to donate a kidney to a loved one.

A guy in a Member’s Only jacket stood in front of me with seven movies to return. I wondered if he had watched them all yesterday or if it was an accumulation of movies he’d neglected to return. I hoped he was not going to rent an equal amount of movies today or I would be in for an even longer wait.

I watched as an obese couple and their obese child mulled which DVD to rent. The couple ACTUALLY let the child push the buttons on the screen to scan through the movies, a process which could only have been slower if they had also blindfolded the child. I found myself loathing them and their child.

Members Only rolled his eyes annoyed that they were taking so long. Glad to see I wasn’t the only one outraged.

As each new customer approached the box, I began judging them harshly by their movie choices.

“You held up the line 10 minutes so you could rent Beverly Hills Chihuahua?!”

I began inventing a society in my head which would draft laws to prevent such monumental wastes of time.

Bad movie choices coupled with holding up lines while you chose said bad movies, would be punishable by public stoning. The longer you take to choose a movie, the better the movie has to be in order to prevent your punishment. For instance, a five decision to rent Magnolia would be a forgivable offense. On the flip side, a five minute wait before choosing any movie starring Paris Hilton or a cast member of any CW TV show would be punishable by firing squad.

20 minutes in line and suddenly the video store and its high prices are looking like a bargain.

25 minutes passed and finally Members Only was at the machine sliding his movies in. Yes, I thought to myself, I’m next.

Rather than deposit the movies and leave, as I hoped he would do, he started scrolling through the movie titles with the leisurely pace of a retired guy in a video store on a Monday morning.

You have GOT to be kidding me.

Here was this guy, who (along with me) was rolling his eyes with righteous indignation at other slow pokes, taking FOREVER!

It was almost as if he were so ticked off that HE had to wait forever to deposit his movies that he was going to make everyone else wait for him now. He was gonna get his 10 minutes of glory at the Redbox!

I watched as he browsed movie titles, while the chatter rose up in the crowd behind me. The natives were getting restless.

Finally, the guy settled on a movie – The Day the Earth Stopped, appropriately enough. I hope he went home and enjoyed his Keanu Reeves-less movie.

Bastard.

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To bring you up to speed: I borrowed Cars for my 21-month old son, E, who had never seen a movie. He LOVED it. So much that he asks to watch EVERY NIGHT with a repeated plea of “Cars?” which is too cute to ignore.

I don’t know what I was thinking, bringing home a movie for my son.

He hardly even likes TV, save for Jack’s Big Music Show and commercials, which he dances to. And no, I’m not talking about commercials with good music. He’ll dance to ANY commercial with anything approaching music. Case in point, Subway’s annoying “Five dollar foot longs” ad campaign which makes me want to ram a screwdriver into my ear.

I had it made. I live in a house with a wife who doesn’t care for TV and a son who more or less ignores it. The remote is pretty much mine. Or was…

Until I brought home Cars, which apparently, is only the BEST MOVIE EVER, according to toddlers.

So I had a genius idea.

I was at the store and saw the movie, Elmo in Grouchland for the bargain price of $5.50. My son loves Elmo on Sesame Street, so I figure if I buy the DVD, it will expand his palette and maybe, just maybe, I could avoid a nightly barrage of “Cars?”

Great idea, right?

I’m fairly certain that I can outsmart a toddler. Right?

Last Monday, while E was finishing dinner in his high chair, I popped the Elmo DVD into the player.

Goodbye Cars, Elmo is here!

E’s eyes widened, his mouth agape, as he pointed, yelling at the TV. He lost his mind!

“ELMO!!!!!”

He kept pointing as if to say, “Mommy, daddy, look, it’s ELMO!! Look! Look! Look! Look!”

Then when he saw other characters he recognized, he cried out, “Bird!” and “Ster!” (for Cookie Monster).

So, I guessed he likes the movie. I breathed a sigh of relief, pleased with my purchase. Something I did actually worked!

15 minutes later, as I was getting something in another room, when I heard my son’s soft voice ask his mommy a question.

“Cars?”

Uh-oh.

10 minutes later, we were watching Cars. Again.

Apparently, this movie will be required nightly viewing whether I want it to be or not.

20 minutes later, my son asked, “Elmo?”

Now he wants to watch both!

Every night.

Outsmarted by a toddler.

Usually, I would end the post with a funny (well, semi-funny) one-liner like the one above.  However, this story has a bonus.

After watching Elmo search all over Grouchland for his beloved blanket, my son said a new word, “blank-et” as he cuddled his own blue blanket, a huge goofy grin on his face!

I love this kid!

as always, thank you for reading,

david

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Content is copyright 2009 BloggerDad.com. If you are reading this on any site other than www.Bloggerdad.com or your personal RSS reader, then you may be reading it on a site which steals content. And would you trust a site like that?