I’m not talking about generally happy parents, them I like. I’m talking about SUPER HAPPY parents, which were very likely SUPER HAPPY people prior to having kids. You’ve seen them, overfilled with the joy of parenthood; worshiping every sigh, squeak and dirty diaper their child makes. These people with their perfect children who never misbehave, always sleep through the night and are never sick. I call these parents jerks.

And if you’re like me, you want to level the playing field a bit – introduce some chaos into these Happy Jerks’ lives. And you’ll do it while looking like a nice person – by buying gifts. Only these gifts are the most evil and noisiest toys ever churned out by Santa’s evil elf army (don‘t act like you don‘t know what I‘m talking about).

So here are a couple of the noisiest toys that I know of. And what better time to share the misery than Christmas?

Fisher Price Corn Popper

This perpetual noise machine has been delighting children and annoying parents since 1957! It is single handedly responsible for the end to the baby boom some seven years after its introduction.

For those unfamiliar with the toy, it can best be described as a walking fireworks show, minus the pretty lights.  As your child pushes the toy, little hard plastic balls POP inside a plastic dome which is seemingly made of some special science-fiction type of sound amplification system.

I’m not sure what the Corn Popper is intended to be, as the balls inside the plastic dome are colorful and look nothing at all like popcorn. Nor do they taste like it – don’t ask. Judging from my son’s use of the toy, he thinks it’s a vacuum cleaner.

Since children LOVE noisy toys, this will surely put a smile on some child’s face as he walks by, looking at his parents.

POP POP POP POP POP!!

And you’ll be smiling, too as you call the Happy Parents and ask them how their child is enjoying the corn popper.

E 'vacuuming' up Cheerios that he spilled all over the carpet.

Quick Rundown

• ages: one and up
• price: around $11
• Fun Factor (on a scale of 1-10): 10
• Fun Factor of chasing cats: 10
• Time that toy will hold a toddler’s interest: 10-15 minutes (which is like an hour in toddler time)
• Who should avoid this toy:  People with ears, parents prone to hangovers, people with pets.

Pooh Tick-Tock Clock Activity Choo Choo

On an unrelated note, what is a Pooh? Why is he called Winnie the Pooh? Is his name Winnie or Pooh? It would be like me being called David the Wright!

Wow! Toys DO NOT get much noisier than this riding train for toddlers!

It’s not that this toy train makes a lot of noise, which it does, it’s that the noise is soooo loud.

“Going for a train ride with you is lot’s of fun!” Winnie cheerfully announces if your child presses one button. There are a ton of other buttons, each of them producing a variety of other loud noises such as:

• ringing train bells
• various songs including the Winnie the Pooh theme song
• the death cries of hobos caught under the wheels

The only sound seemingly missing from the repertoire is that of gunshots, which would probably be a bit more soothing than the Pooh’s voice saying “Going for a train ride with you is lots of fun” for the 400th time in five minutes.

This toy, while undoubtedly fun for children, is clearly designed by sadists who hate people that breed. There can be no other explanation for the LACK OF A VOLUME CONTROL!

Quick Rundown

• Who this toy is for: Children 1-3 years of age. Deaf parents, children who like loud things, sadists
• Price: $29.99
• Fun Factor (on a scale of 1-10): 9
• Who should avoid this toy: parents with functioning ears, parents who have hangovers, people who have fond memories of Pooh, hobos.
• Safety WARNING: on a serious note, if your child is like mine and likes to stand on things and show off his balancing skills while smiling with a HUGE grin as if to say, Look what I can do, mommy and daddy, you will want to constantly supervise them while they play with this train, as they can stand on the seat and easily fall.

If you liked this review, check out my review for another noisy toy which I wrote in August.

Want BloggerDad delivered to your email every time I post? Well, you’re not alone. Join the literally tens of others who have already subscribed for free! Email not your thing? That’s okay, you can also subscribe via RSS – It’s also free.

I’m not sure which marketing person said, “Hey, let’s give a plastic bat to a one year old,” but it’s obvious they either don’t have children or are conducting a chaotic experiment to see what happens when you give a toddler a weapon.

In all likelihood, the youngest of the toy’s target age range (one year and up) will likely prefer swatting at the ball with their hands. Once your child hits the ball, they’ll be rewarded with encouragement in the form of an annoyingly over enthusiastic guy’s voice exclaiming, “WOW, YOU’VE GOT A SINGLE!” or “WOW, YOU’VE GOT A DOUBLE” or “OH BOY, YOU HIT A TRIPLE” or “GOING, GOING, GONE – IT’S OUTTA’ HERE!”  followed by applause and “GREAT JOB!”

Obviously, the toy’s makers have never been to a real baseball game. Wouldn’t it be more realistic to have the toy also say things you might really hear at a game? “YOU SUCK!” or “WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?” or perhaps a few obscenities to better prepare the child for the pressure of a big league at bat.

In addition to the repetitive narrative, Swing n Score also lights up and plays a few familiar baseball tunes, which my son enjoys dancing to. Hopefully, he will end that habit before going to bat during a game. “Now up to bat, number 22, who is… dancing his way to the plate?”

The toy also features a large button in the shape of home plate which the toddler can hit to generate one of a few annoying responses. In terms of teaching cause and effect, it makes no sense to give a child a “HOME RUN!” for simply stepping up to home plate. Let the kid earn his/her homerun! Talk about setting a child up with unrealistic expectations!

The only downside to Playskool’s Swing N Score is that if you forget to turn it off, the slightest movement will set off a series of “OH BOY”‘s. I made the mistake of leaving the toy in our son’s room and tripped over it in the middle of the night while checking on him, setting off a lenghty round of noises, lights and music. “OH BOY, KLUTZY DADDY WOKE THE KID UP!”

Quick Rundown

• ages: one and up
• price: around $15
• Fun Factor (on a scale of 1-10): 6
• Fun Factor of chasing cats with bat: 10
• Time that toy will hold a toddler’s interest: 10-15 minutes (which is like an hour in toddler time)
• what’s good about the product: easy to use, gives encouragement, develops hand eye cordination, fun, long battery life
• what’s bad: annoying repetitive announcer, looooong battery life!, bat is not cat-friendly