Happy Birthday to My Wife

David — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 10:37:36 +0000

To my one and only, my sweet and darling wife,
To the one who is my forever and the one who is my life,
This is my Happy Birthday, as told in rhyming verse,
I hope its not too awkward as I had but one year to rehearse,

I know I rarely take the time in our hectic, jam-packed days,
To take the time to enumerate all the wonderful ways,
Which you bring a smile to this normally smile-less face,
By simply being you, you make this world such a better place,

And it’s not just me who knows this, it’s everyone you meet,
Whenever your name is mentioned, it’s followed by something sweet,
You are the sweetest gal I’ve ever known – so honest and so true,
I could search the world 10 times over and never find another you,

You see the best in everyone while I see the absolute worst,
You’re the yang to my yin, my shadow in reverse,
How fate brought us together, I’m not sure I have a clue,
But I thank it every day for allowing me to spend my eternity with you,

And while I never thought I’d ever meet another with such joy,
You proved me wrong (again) when you delivered our happy boy,
So thank you for the love that you’ve brought into my life,
Thank you for being the perfect lover, friend and wife.

Happy Birthday.

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Annoying Things I do – a list… by my wife

David — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 10:38:15 +0000

So last week I published that list of dumb things I do (I was a bit late in doing so, but I finally responded to your comments this morning). Well, as you may recall, I mentioned that I would create a list of annoying things my wife does. There are only two things on the list, which I will detail shortly. However, in anticipation of MY list, my wife made a list of things that I do which annoy her.

A dozen items!

And I swear she typed it up in five minutes flat. In fact, I suspect she simply cut and pasted it from an existing file.

First my list.

Annoying things my wife does

1) Hand towels. My wife is obsessed with hanging hand towels from every drawer, hook and handle in the kitchen. What is it with women and hand towels? My wife is not the first woman I’ve known who seems to have more hand towels than pairs of socks. It’s not that I don’t like hand towels, it’s just that every time I open a drawer or lean against something, the damned things fall on the floor. And since the floor apparently is loaded with the most dangerous bacteria this side of a public restroom – judging from my wife’s reaction when I drop a towel – I am constantly having to throw the things in the hamper without ever having used them.

2) Giving away cake. For some reason, my wife insists on giving away cake whenever people come to our house. “Here, take some cake with you!” And I want to ask, “what are you doing? I plan to eat that in the middle of the night!” but of course I don’t say that because it’s just not polite. Plus, I don’t want people to know I eat cake in the middle of the night. Fortunately nobody reads this blog, so my secret is safe.

I was making a shopping list last night and I was going to pick up something sweet to eat. My wife told me not to get a snack because she has some cake mix she can use. It’s a dump cake, not nearly as unappealing as its name might suggest. At any rate, we ate some for snack and then my wife started cutting up the rest and putting pieces in a plastic box.

I asked, “What are you doing?”

Okay, what I really said was:

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHO ARE YOU GIVING OUR CAKE TOO?!”

She told me she was going to give it to somebody who works somewhere or something. Not even somebody in the family or a neighbor.

Lesson to all my female readers: do not give away a guy’s cake. If you must give cake to other people, buy another cake, one that preferably we know nothing about.

Now, my wife’s list with rebuttals by me.

Things Blogger Dad does that drive me crazy but I still love him

Leaves water all over the sink when he washes dishes and brushes his teeth. My response: Hey, at least I wash dishes. And brush my teeth. I’m sure there are some guys who do neither.
Leaves empty soda cans three inches from the trash can instead of throwing them away. Okay, this is impossible because there is nothing within a three inch radius of the trash can on which to place a soda can. 12 inches, maybe.
Leaves the salt and pepper in different places each time he uses them. Hey, they say to keep the mystery alive in a relationship, right?
Lets the litter box get beyond nasty before changing it. Okay, this one requires a bit of detail. When my wife got pregnant with E, she was all too happy to inform me that she could not change the cat litter because there is something in cat poop which can endanger the baby. I’m pretty sure this is a myth created by women’s magazines, but whatever, so I agreed… E is now two years old! …Yet the job still remains mine for some reason.
Saves things that are broken. No fair in listing things I already listed on my list.
Makes bodily noises without excusing himself or in some cases, warning me. Hey, when I was a kid, my uncle would purposely trap you in a confined space after farting. Imagine HIS girlfriend!
Points and waves finger at me during a heated discussion. I don’t point, I use my fingers to illustrate.
Only opens the pack of toilet paper enough to get one roll out. What am I supposed to do? Take ever roll out and stack them in a pyramid like a stock boy in the grocery store?
Only opens a pack of soda enough to remove one can of soda.
Parks crooked in parking spots. I’m not crooked, I just choose to park creatively.
Waits until trash day to bring bags and boxes out even though they stack up in the kitchen. I offered to alleviate this issue by buying an industrial sized 55 gallon trash can for the kitchen, but noooo, my wife wants to stick with the dainty 13 gallon can because the other can is too big. And here’s something else, you can fit a lot more in a trash can when you collapse boxes rather than throwing them away whole.
Avoids manual labor like the plague. Hey, that is a lie. I mowed the lawn. Once.

Now, to be fair, my wife did close with the following.

But I love that you…

Play with our son
Take care of me when I’m sick
Surprise me with chocolate candies
Cooks meals
Does dishes
Changes diapers

So, there, I’m not all bad. Right?