The Guilt of the Working Dad
“Why do you work, daddy?”
That question was posed to me recently by my three year old son, E. It was an honest question, not at all a critique, yet the words were still damning.
I told him that I work to make money so we can eat, have a house, and all the other needs and comforts that money brings. But I doubt he grasped the concept. All he knows is that daddy works – a lot.
Workaholic?
I’ve never been a person who can enjoy the moment. No matter where I am or who I’m with, my mind is almost always on work – and by work I mean both the stuff I get paid for and my creative pursuits. It takes a lot for me to simply enjoy the present.
I’m almost always thinking about the next story or art I want to create or some pressing task ahead. I can’t relax until I get things done. However, things are never really done, as there’s always something else to do. So, in short, I’m rarely in the moment – unless I’m working. I’m often working on something while E is playing inches away from me. It’s great that technology has made work so portable that you are not bound to a desk or an office. Yet, the same technology has made it all too easy to allow work to take over time which was once protected as Family Time.
My way of thinking has been, E is enjoying his toys or his TV show, he doesn’t need the interaction with me right now. Kids need some alone time to develop their creative minds, right?
But that’s just a lie to make myself feel better.
The lie gave way to truth tonight. While my wife was giving E a bath, he was playing with his Diego and Little People toys. Diego, through the voice of my son, informed the Little People that he couldn’t do something which they wanted because, “he had so much work to do.”
And when my wife told me that, the guilt hit me like a ton of bricks.
Yes, I have to work. Yes, my work earns our family money, which I never take for granted. But the truth is, I don’t always have to be working. The world won’t stop if I do for a moment.
Work is what I choose to do. It’s how I’m wired. But that doesn’t make it right. Because after all, what am I working for? Well, mostly to provide my family with a good life. But what good is that life if I’m never around to enjoy it with them? So, tonight, I unplugged the laptop, turned off the ever-present TV, and sat on the floor with E and played cars. Just played, and actually found myself in the moment. Enjoying life for what it is, rather than worrying about work left undone.
There’s always work, but there’s not always time.
And E will only have one childhood. What I do now will shape his life in ways I can’t even fathom. I need to be present if I want to make a difference.
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12 Responses to “The Guilt of the Working Dad”
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Great article. I go through that all the
time. I quit my job to be home more. But then I started a
business just to be busy in the house hoping the new ps3 game keeps my boys happy. I tell myself I am working for them. But thanks to your article I am going to change my work habits. I cant get that time back. Your picture reminded me of playing with my boys..thx keep posting
Damon – Thank you for commenting. I’m glad my story inspired you a bit. It’s tough to find the work-life balance, I hope I can maintain the correct one.
I’m right there with you Dave-O.
Our kids would be our shadows if we let them, following us everywhere we go.
We are their heroes.
Every second we don’t pay attention to them is like a movie star not signing an autograph.
Once they are teenagers, they will want to be with friends though, so I guess we have to do our best to be in the moment until the moment comes one day when our kids will choose to be in their own moments.
Normally I let my wife feed my 10-month-old daughter while I play with my son, but I realized that I needed to spend a bit more time with her at night, so I said I would do it. Mommy had a special treat for her tonight. She made Jello. Jello. My daughter never had Jello before. I gave it to her. She winced at the texture, then unleashed the biggest smile I’ve ever seen as she shook back and forth in the way she does when she’s super happy. Daddy saw his angel eat her first Jello bite. When I’m 90, I’ll remember the Jello Moment.
Well said, Shane.
And that Jello memory is awesome. My son had a similar reaction with yogurt which was really funny.
It is so great that you’ve come to this realization now, when your son is so young. My kids aren’t kids anymore; they are 18 and 21. My wife used to tell me that I’d be sorry one day that I hadn’t spent more time with them when they were young. I hate when she’s right
.
If I had to start all over now, knowing what I know, I think I’d make a great dad — but I’ll never get that chance. So I’m trying to better connect with my adult children, and hopefully someday I can be a great grandfather.
Keep up the great work, but never let that work overrun your desire to be a great dad!
David Jones´s last blog ..Understanding The Emotional Needs Of Men
Thanks for commenting, David.
And man, that regret sounds painful, but I am certain that we all feel pangs of guilt over things we could have or should have done differently. I guess the trick is not to beat ourselves up over things we can’t change, but, as you are, try to do what you can in the here and now.
Great article. As someone who struggled with this for years working 12 hour shifts in a factory and running a business on the side, I missed a lot of my kid’s childhoods. I told myself that I was working so they could enjoy all the things I didn’t have as a kid.
As it turns out, what I didn’t have as a kid was good parenting. My father took off when I was little and my mother worked 2 or 3 jobs just to pay the bills. We spent years being bounced around between family members.
Last year, I lost my full-time job in the factory. I thought it would be the end of us. What it was, was the beginning of a new life. I now get up with my kids every day, make their lunches, and send them off to school. When they get home, I am here to help with homework, throw the football, of just veg on the couch with them.
Sure, it doesn’t pay well but I like to think of it as a time investment that pays off now and later. It’s a hard pill to swallow being unemployed and it makes paying the bills real tight. What it has also done is make our family tighter as well. We may not have the money we used to to spend on fancy dinners and trips to the movies, now we rent a movie or find one on TV and the 6 of us hit the rec room for Friday night movies.
I still have my small part-time business and I have a few other projects on the go. I hope that i can be a stay at home Dad forever. As much as an adjustment it was to not working 200 hours a week. It’s an adjustment that if given the choice, I would make again in a heart beat.
There are no do-overs raising kids. You only get one chance. Enjoy as many moments as you can. Some say it’s quality time that matters. From my experience, quantity matter just as much.
Thank you, Chris. I’ve been there with the getting laid off. It may have been the best thing which ever happened to me. Even though the financial stress is one of the worst kinds to have to face in its relentless ability to haunt your every waking moment, the time spent with my son is a gift I would never have had were things to have just remained as they were.
When I was growing up, my dad worked a lot. And worked hard, so when he was home, he didn’t have as much time as I’m sure he would’ve wanted to spend with me. There was a time, when I was younger, that I resented this. However, once I was old enough to understand it, I now appreciate the sacrifices he made for us.
Jim Croce couldn’t have said it better (okay, you guys tied).
I do find it’s harder to immerse oneself in our kid’s playtime with all our phones and TV’s and little distraction gadgets of our own. They want to play with them. You want to play with them. And sometimes we confuse “being there” with really being there.
This was a nice reminder to get back down on the floor and really be there.
E loves his daddy time.
BloggerMom likes BloggerDad time. Squeeze some in there for me, too.
Great post and one that I can certainly relate too. For a long time, I was working long hours and actually hated what I was doing on top of that. When my position was eliminated last year, it was a blessing (albeit in disguise). We were fortunate enough that my wife makes a solid living for our family and could support us in my downtime. During all that, my son was between 7 months and 1 year. Those few months that I got to spend precious time with just him (and the dogs) is something I’ll never forget and never take for granted again. Now he’s 13 months, I’m back at work, working plenty of hours … but loving what I do now … coming home fresh to spend time with him. And it shows in our interactions. I’m glad you were able to have this “moment” however painful it first was to realize. But you’ve shown the strength to put the computer down, put the phone away and reap the best reward of it all. Keep up the great writing.
Jeff @ ManoftheHouse.com´s last blog ..Becoming a Connector