The Post I Almost Didn’t Write…Almost
It is my sincere hope that today’s post will present the first in a long line of Seinfeldian catch phrases that people will attribute to this blog for years to come.
Seinfeld, just in case you lived in a cave during the 90’s, was famous for such awesome phrases as yada “yada yada”, “sponge-worthy”, “no soup for you”, “master of your domain” and “not that there’s anything wrong with that.”
Allow me to introduce you to the phrases “over-giving” and the related “under-giving.”
You know how sometimes you have to exchange gifts with people you really don’t want to give gifts to? This happens a lot with co-workers. Unless you thought ahead and proclaimed yourself another religion in advance, you’re pretty much suckered into this obligation because “everyone in the office” is exchanging gifts.
Before you know it, you’re sucked into playing a game of figuring out what you will get these people by guessing how much they will spend on you or how thoughtful their gifts will be.
For instance, you don’t want to give someone a baggie full of Oreos and Christmas colored M&M’s when they hand you a sculpture of you which they took months to create—using rare materials which they traveled the globe to collect. On the other hand, you don’t want to give someone a $200 box set of their favorite TV show when they hand you a card with a scratch off lottery ticket inside—which may or may not have been partially scratched off to see if it was a winner.
So you try to avoid both under-giving and over-giving.
When it comes to family and close friends, I don’t usually worry about under or over-giving. When I’m able to give a gift, I try and give the most thoughtful gift I can find. If I can’t get a gift, I hope that they understand my situation.
While I didn’t spend money on this year’s gift for my wife, I did put a lot of time and thought into it.
For those of you who missed the post, my wife had a great idea for this year’s gift exchange between us. We would exchange 40 or so coupons of things we know the other would like and that we could exchange during the year. For instance: I know my wife loves to have her feet rubbed, so I would make a coupon for a foot rub, which she can redeem during the year.
This gift, in essence, forces us to stop a moment each week and do something nice for the other person. When you’re married with kids and demanding jobs, it’s all too easy to forget to do the simple things. So it was a good idea, even if I had some trouble coming up with things I know she’d like and which I was willing to do. For instance, I did not put “clean out the garage,” even though I’m sure she’d love that.
I felt a bit like an inattentive jerk admitting that I couldn’t think of 40 things my wife would like…
the same kind of guy that would forget his wife’s birthday.
Yes, I did do that. Once. Believe me guys, that is the kind of thing that you’d better not do more than once!
But this forgotten birthday was WHEN WE WERE DATING, so it’s not like it really counts. And I had a very good reason. I was working the night shift then, so I was always operating a day behind other people due to our paperwork process which we did at the end of the shift, which always closed with the prior day’s date. I thought her birthday was the “next day” not that day. I even had rather intricate plans to buy her flowers and have them sent to where she was (she was out of town at the time).
Later that day, we talked on the phone. I didn’t realize she was waiting for me to say something, anything regarding her birthday. But as I didn’t. A bit later, we talked again and she was devastated that I’d forgotten. I tried to explain. She wasn’t hearing it.
I rushed to the florist, spent a small fortune to have something sent immediately and make things right. However, all she remembers to this day is that “I forgot,” a guilt trip which she keeps close to her gun belt, for my occasional lapses in thought.
I included a lot of thoughtful—and more importantly, time consuming—gifts in the book of coupons I made for her.
Items included:
- a one hour massage
- a half hour foot rub
- six hours devoted to any chore/household project she chose (fortunately, the garage will take longer than six hours and is therefore excluded), a night out with her friends
- I will host a dinner party for her and her choice of friends
- a romantic dinner and carriage ride at the place where I proposed to her
- do the dishes for the week
- do all chores for a week
In other words, I made a list which will keep me pretty busy during the year
I even gave her a coupon good for a day of no-cursing from me!
On Christmas morning we exchanged our books of coupons.
Included on her list:
“I will scratch your back for two minutes.”
Yes, you read that right. TWO MINUTES. But wait—that’s not all!
“I will massage your head for 5 minutes.”
FIVE MINUTES? That’s a tease! But, wait, there’s more.
“I will skip caffeine today.”
“Huh? How is that a gift to me?” I asked my wife.
“It’s good for my health, so it’s good for you,” she said.
Um, no. If anything, I’d think a lack of caffeine would tend to make someone crankier and THAT is certainly no gift to me!
But none of these coupons have anything on the one which follows:
“I will make an appointment to get a hair cut.”
Huh?!
You will go and get a haircut, something you enjoy doing anyway, and that’s somehow a gift to me?
I suppose one could argue that she is getting her hair to look all pretty for me, and that is the gift. Call me jaded but that seems more like an excuse to go get her hair done.
Now, before I go off like a total jerk and act unappreciative, there are lots of nice things in her coupon book. She offered to make me a nice dinner, go to a movie with me, serve me breakfast in bed, and let me watch a football game while she takes our son out, which is a good gift because it’s been forever since I’ve watched a game without interruptions.
However, I can’t help but feel a bit robbed.
I over-gave.
She even acknowledged the disparity between our coupons when she saw my reaction to her’s.
“I didn’t realize you’d be so generous,” she said.
I don’t want to make my wife feel guilty for under-giving, though. She even offered to extend the time on my back scratch. I was tempted to ask, “what, I get another minute?” but I didn’t want to get a book of coupons thrown at me.
Actually, while I initially thought she under-gave, I have since realized that perhaps she actually over-gave. In fact, she’s given me a gift better than any I ever dreamed of getting—guilt to use against her. And guilt is the gift that keeps on giving.
So, about that birthday I forgot—are we even now?
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27 Responses to “The Post I Almost Didn’t Write…Almost”
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Holy crap I really like your writing… a lot. Looks like you’re goin to the top of my google reader.
Anthony´s last blog ..A Basic Necessity ALL Parents May Be Missing
Thank you, I appreciate the nice words (here & at Twitter). Your site looks to have quite a bit of useful information that I know I’ll be needing as E gets older.
smiles for the telling, perhaps she didnt under-give afterall…. enjoy the giving and receiving through out the year.
Thank you. Though I have a feeling Blogger Mom will be doing some giving it to me right here in the comments sections before too long.
Ahh… you are so funny, Dave.
Alright Perfectly Non-Hormonal Wife, we need your side of the story now!
I’m waiting for her to show up here.
a two minute back scratch? you’ve been well and truly had. bet she holds you to your 1 hour massage though!
Heather´s last blog ..Making Myself Sick With Stupidity
You know it!
You definitley over gave. I could never make an hour massage. I don’t know how anyone can do it. I guess the pros can do it because they get paid.
I thought the start of your column, after the mention of Sienfeld, was a little tribute to the show as well. I was thinking of The Human Fund as I read.
Otter´s last blog ..I’ll Be Watching You
I forgot all about The Human Fund. LOL! Perfect example! I tend to have a bit in common with Larry David of Seinfeld/Curb Your Enthusiasm, it seems. For better or for worse.
Nooooo! you shouldn’t have BloggerDad. I’m afraid you have just traded a funny post for all the ‘over-giving’ you did. The gig is up now and she has a reason to turn it against you.
It WAS a good post though.
Seattledad (Luke, I am Your Father)´s last blog ..Of The Way We Are
Thank you. I DID show it to my wife beforehand. I don’t ever want to write a post in which I make her look bad. However, a bit of humorous ribbing never hurt anyone.
Funny stuff, Dave. Laughing here.
Thank you.
Dave, I’m sorry but you’re full of shit. And here’s why:
A one hour massage – Like you’ll get NO benefit from that. What are you doing here, massaging your wife over the top of her raincoat while wearing asbestos gloves. Give me break, this is a gift for YOU!
A half hour foot rub – see above (I know all about youyr fetishes!)
Six hours devoted to any chore/household project she chose (fortunately, the garage will take longer than six hours and is therefore excluded) – Six hours straight, or six hours spread over two months? You’ve already confessed to being a DIY dud so what the hell else could you do that’ll take six hours?
A night out with her friends – How is you having a night out with your wife’s friends a gift to her. Let’s be honest here, you’ve always fancied her brunette friend with the big smile.
I will host a dinner party for her and her choice of friends – Let’s hope her friends like Cheerios.
A romantic dinner and carriage ride at the place where I proposed to her – The drive-thru at McDoNuts is all about you again!
Do the dishes for the week – You mean you don’t do this already? You lazy Chooch!
Do all chores for a week – Hahahahahaha. See the Chooch thing above.
LMFAO
Selfish´s last blog ..The All Day Cafe
Selfish – HA HA! Too funny, man. Now to address your points.
a one hour massage - No, I will get no pleasure from that at all
half hour foot rub – Actually, I’m not a foot guy at all. If it were a half hour boobie rub, well, that’s another story.
Six Hours of Chores - Well, I didn’t say I couldn’t do ANYTHING DIY. I just can’t do anything DIY very well. So if she wants me to spend six hours putting up half assed cabinets, I’ll be more than happy to oblige.
A night out with her friends - LOL. I think you’re projecting a bit, perhaps?
Dinner party of Cheerios - I’ll have you know that I can make other things. Such as Rice Crispies, Corn Flakes and even Fruit Loops!
Romantic Dinner - LOL, how did you know?
chores -Well, truth be told, I do a lot of the dishes even though my wife uses 900 dishes to prepare a single meal.
Hahahaha! What an excellent response!
Love the “half assed cabinets”. LMAO at “Rice Crispies, Corn Flakes and even Fruit Loops”
You are in big trouble over the “boobie rub” and the “900 dishes”.
Better get writing some more coupons, pronto!
I really did laugh out loud at your response.
Wow guilt is a good one. You definitely have a very small advantage right now. The problem is these advantages are so easily lost in marriage. Especially once you have kids. It is SO simple for one or the other to do something or say something wrong while the other is watching the child / children that the tables immediately turn. At least in my house. I think I’ve got it made – and then I f it all up. Although – I am usually quick to regain the upperhand – given I change more poopie diapers and all.
One more thing – are your coupons for real? Can you actually give a one hour massage without your fingers falling off? I don;t think me or my husband have ever made it more than 15 or 20 minutes.
I laughed at this one. Great post. Your effort is really commendable and totally makes up for the missed bday. And I may make some coupons myself – just to get a really good one up you know. I am having our third baby in a week so I may just get SO many points that I will remain on top for, like, I don’t know…MONTHS!
Brittany at Mommy Words´s last blog ..The Pregnancy Packing Dilemma
Okay…so, I truly didn’t think BloggerDad would be as incredibly generous in many of his coupon offerings. Perhaps he doesn’t realize how time consuming some of them are. I did feel awful after seeing his coupons compared to mine. I did offer UPGRADES, people! I am not heartless! He left that part out!!!
As for the guilt to use against me, I think not. I am a woman. My husband is a man. Aside from stating the obvious, this means that he has far more errors on his list of errors than I…is that grammatically correct? I have a list right up here (points to the cerebrum)…And I have an awesome memory. It’s late…I have young minds to mold in the morning…I’m going to bed. Until next time, bloggers…
I mentioned the upgrade offer. I think. I’m too lazy to actually read back over my post (man, was it long!) to find out for certain.
I love you. Thanks for not throwing the computer at me.
I too am an overgiver.
The guilt – I don’t think you could ever make a Mum feel guiltier than she already does about every decision which effects her family!
Blogger Mum – you are completely right, all men have massively long lists of prior convictions against us! LOL!
I’ll have you know my list of prior convictions is smaller than most guys’. One, two thousand things, tops.
Dave, I think you “under-thunk” this one. Blogger Mom has you by the short and curlies. It seems like you can’t win. You should quit while your behind. Hahahaha
Selfish´s last blog ..Jam Spoon
Yeah, I’m pretty much resolved to defeat.
Hey dad, you’re funny! no really, you are funny and i’m happy to crash into you’re blog, i’m following it already.
i’m sure if you’re kids aren’t grown enough to apreciatte you’re funny, they’ll do.
i let a blog of mine that has interesting and funny written things too , i hope you can give it a review, if you have a dictionary close at a moment!
Daniel´s last blog ..Despierto?