I’d like to talk a bit about a delicate subject — poop.
Yeah, I know, poop is nothing new at BloggerDad Central, as I’ve discussed the dangers of diaper changes on more than one occasion. But this story isn’t about “cute” baby poop.
It’s about yucky, icky adult poop.
More specifically, my poop.
Now that I’ve cleared the room of all but the most fervent of readers, allow me to explain this in a manner which should hopefully not cause you to click your browser closed. Or vomit.
On Valentine’s Day, I received candy. Since I’m eating healthier these days, the person was thoughtful enough to give me a bag of diet candy. For those not familiar with diet candy, it’s usually right up there with diet moth balls in taste. The reason most diet candy is awful is because many of them contain artificial sweeteners.
The worst of these sweeteners is Splenda.
Splenda doesn’t taste bad right away, and in small doses, like to sprinkle on your cereal. However, when you start pouring metric tons into mass produced diet food, it starts to taste like, well, for lack of a better word, poop. And for good reason.
On the packaging of most Splenda-infected products, you’ll find the subtle warning, “excessive consumption may cause a laxative effect.”
This, my friend, is the biggest understatement EVER written on a product! It’s akin to saying Hitler wasn’t a people person.
The warning SHOULD say something along the lines of, “FIND A TOILET, FAST!!”
First of all, it’s a given that MOST fat people are going to excessively consume junk food, right? If I weren’t into excessive consumption, I’d look more like James Bond than Doug Heffernan.
Knowing that Splenda poses a threat to my pants, I tend to avoid any product which includes it. Most products are kind enough to warn you by pasting a Splenda logo in a conspicuous place on their packaging.
Most companies.
This particular package didn’t have a Splenda logo on it, though.
I didn’t give it much thought, figuring that perhaps they used a more natural sweetener which doesn’t cause your butt to explode.
So, I had a few pieces. Four, to be exact. Not exactly an EXCESSIVE amount.
About an hour later, I felt like any number of Ripley’s cohorts in the Alien movies at the moment right before the aliens burst out of their stomachs.
I ran to the bathroom, where I spent the better part of the next five days.
Okay, not five days, but it sure felt like it.
When I was finally able to crawl to the kitchen, I grabbed the bag to check again. Did I miss the Splenda logo? Nope. However, printed on the back of the package, in a disclaimer smaller than those on car dealership TV commercials, was that familiar warning:
excessive consumption may have a laxative effect
Gee, thanks!
So to prevent such occurrences and to protect Joe Consumer from unintentionally turning into the human equivalent of Mount Vesuvius, I am proposing a change in packaging of such diet products. This change will include a PROMINENTLY displayed warning right there on the front of the package, not some hidden text which nobody sees until it’s too late.
Since I know most corporations are busy these days, firing employees and awarding their CEO’s record bonuses, I’ve designed a logo for them to use. I won’t even charge them. Just download it and stick it on your product, compliments of BloggerDad!
I’ve taken the liberty of providing a before and after of the Weight Watcher’s candy I had the misfortune of ingesting this weekend.
Note the tiny print.
Now, here’s the proposed warning.
And we don’t need to limit this warning to just products containing Splenda. There are several other company’s known for their war on your gastrointestinal system which can also use a warning.
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The worst part is that most sugar-free candy does not have fewer calories than conventional candy. The main reason for making it sugar-free is to allow diabetics to eat it and to prevent blood sugar spikes so you don’t have crashes that get you running to eat again.
You’re really not getting much except an increased water bill from all of the flushing when you eat diet candy.
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Oh no, I can’t believe you’re writing about poo!
At least it may serve as a preventative measure and you’ll not be tempted to gorge on chocolate again. Maybe
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Pingback: Wednesday Weigh-In Feb. 18, 2009
Kind of reminds me of the good old days of IT support when we could tell people to RTFM. I don’t think I’m cruel enough to say that to you here though. Still, you did subject us to a lot of poo…
Actually you have stumbled upon the true nature of diet products. It’s not that they have less fat or any of the other great tasting stuff that’s just not good for you but rather it doesn’t stay in your body long enough to have an effect!
I have no problem with you writing about poop! This is actually really great to know. My dad is diabetic so we have an over-abundance of Splenda products around all the time. Thanks for the heads up!
Nicki at Domestic Centss last blog post..Home-Making
Hey – I’d wondered where you’ve been! Now I know! j/k
This effect reminds me of the cabbage soup diet. Marvelous weight loss, everyone said, you can lose 10 to 14 lbs in a week. So, I tried it. Rank, disgusting, smelly soup. What everyone didn’t say was you either lose weight because you’re nauseated from the smell and can’t eat anything – OR – you plug your nose, eat the soup, and then $hit the entire laggard contents from your gastrointestinal system out around the 4th day, therefore losing weight.
What about the little blue pill? No, not that one, the Alli pill – same thing. They oughta just be straight with us.
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I did not expect to be reading about stink paste while I drink my coffee. Your poor, poor toilet. And Son. And Wife.
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I know the feeling….it is awful….I got fooled years ago with a diet fudge ice cream bar…It did feel like – 5 days later….recovery…
ugh
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Four?! This occured after just FOUR pieces?! That is not excessive. Who the heck eats just one piece of chocolate? Or two even? If you are going to have chocolate HAVE chocolate. Which means at least three if not FOUR!
Okay, I was NEVER an advocate of artifical sweeteners. Eat the real thing in moderation is my motto. But a laxative after just FOUR pieces?!
I am outraged! OUTRAGED I tell you!!
I think you have some on Monday or Tuesday before Wednesday Weigh In.
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Now you know why it’s “diet” candy. If you crap out all the food/candy you’ve eaten, then you don’t gain weight from it! It’s the perfect plan!!
Oh, and I’m with Urban Panther on this one. You can’t eat just one piece of chocolate – that’s sacrilege! I always check ingredients when they say “low-fat” or “fat-free”. There’s always some kind of imitation sweetener and I can’t stand that stuff. I’d rather have the real thing in moderation (and four counts as “in moderation” for me).
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I, too, hate that manufacturers don’t have to label that they have Splenda in a product. I have become very, very good at reading labels to find it– look for “sucralose”.
Apparently, because it’s modified real sugar, the FDA didn’t think it merited additional labeling beyond a listing in the ingredients.
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It’s more likely that it was the maltitol — this is an alcohol (it actually occurs in nature) that is a relative of maltose tastes 90% as sweet as sugar but is somewhat indigestible. Some people don’t tolerate it.
It’s the maltitol that generates the “could cause a laxative effect” warning, not the sucralose/splenda.
One of my daughters doesn’t do Splenda well either, so she no longer does it at all. I’ve never had any trouble with it, but for those people who do, I think the label should definitely be larger.
As someone who regularly needs reading glasses, I think I’d have trouble reading this label even with my glasses on.
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Tara – Yeah, and to make matters worse, I left the post up for nearly a whole week!
Marc – My apologies for forcing so much poo on you. And yes, that does seem to be the secret.
Writer Dad – …and readers.
Patricia – At least misery has company.
Urban Panther – OUTRAGED! LOL. I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to eat anymore! And yes, I am with you on the real thing. Well, except soda. I can’t drink “real” soda or I will weigh 9,000 pounds.
Kool Aid – Perfect plan, so long as you don’t need to be anywhere for the next several hours.
GreenJello – Well, if the honorable FDA says so….
Nicki – Thanks for stopping by. Glad my poo story didn’t scare you away. Yeah, make sure your dad doesn’t overindulge by eating a whopping four pieces of chocolate!
Betsy – Hi there! Yeah, it’s hard to blog from the toilet. As for cabbage, the mere smell of it would cause me to vomit. If I recall, Alli had (or has) a warning on their product “not to wear light colored pants”. Which has to be the BEST product warning EVER!
Turf Dad – Hey, that’s a good idea!
Snowbody – Mmmm, malitol. Sounds like the next Zima.
Lisa Newton – Thanks for the comment. Maybe the folks at the company will use my toilet image warnings.
Agree about the fact that it’s the maltitol, not the splenda. Sugar alcohols are the ‘movers’ of the diet food world. Sugar-free jelly beans are the usual candidates for ‘most. evil. candy. evar’.
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