Welcome to the neighborhood; now get out!
Is there such thing as an unwelcome wagon?
If so, I’m ready to bring it into town to greet my newest neighbors. The problem isn’t them so much; for the most part, they seem like nice enough people. However, one of them tends to enjoy loud music. Really loud. And really early in the morning.
And during the day when my son is napping.
And I’ve had enough.
A couple of weeks ago, the incessant thumping and vibrating in my walls became too much to ignore. I looked out my window and saw this young punk in a hoodie and loose clothes hanging out in his car in the neighbors’ driveway.
I don’t really know the family, other than there’s a mother, father and four or five children ranging from infant to a daughter in her early 20’s. I wasn’t sure if the guy blasting the music lives there or is the boyfriend of the eldest daughter. I couldn’t see his face beyond the hoodie.
Who is this dude blasting music in their driveway in the middle of the day?!
I was about to find out.
I don’t like confrontation. Especially with neighbors, as perceived slights can spiral into full-on wars over the silliest things. Then you’re stuck living next to somebody you hate, which really sucks. However, I also hate to leave things unsettled and I’m very direct with people. So I decided to go pay my neighbor a visit.
Only after I stepped outside did I notice the music he was blasting loudly is not rap or bass, but rather, Shania Twain!
Huh?
I approached the car, and the guy was leaning inside, cleaning. The dude is always cleaning his car, by the way. I’m not sure if he’s obsessive compulsive or what the deal is. He didn’t see me as I approached.
“Hello?” I said.
Still, didn’t hear me. I tapped him on the shoulder, hoping he didn’t draw a gun on me.
He turned. Only then did I realize that this wasn’t some young punk, but rather a guy in his mid 60s. Apparently, the grandfather also lives at the house.
Being 6’4’’ and 350 pounds, I can be pretty intimidating. I try not to use this fact to scare older people. It wouldn’t have mattered with this guy, though. He’s decked out in tattoos and looks like an extra in The Sopranos.
I explained the situation in a friendly manner. He apologized and turned the music down. I thanked him and left, relieved that I was able to keep the peace.
Then, a few days later, he was at it again. I was home alone this time, and I don’t really care too much about the music unless it’s waking up other people in my house. No big deal. I let it go.
On Friday he was at it again, though, during E’s nap time.
I went outside. He was cleaning his car—again, and didn’t see me.
I tapped him on his shoulder and he turned.
I asked him if he could turn down the music.
Peace Is Over
He rolled his eyes, sighed, and then complained, “They can’t hear it in there,” he said pointing to his house, “and you can hear it?”
His family would have to be stone deaf not to hear his music. And even then, certainly, they could feel the fault line shifting beneath the house. Fact is, I COULD hear it and my son was trying to sleep. And my walls were shaking.
And the music really sucked.
I invited him over to my house for a listening party. He declined.
He reached into his car and turned the music down and apologized again.
And then he asked me an odd question.
“So, when are you leaving?”
As if he were waiting for me to leave so he could continue to share his music with the rest of the neighborhood.
“I’m not leaving,” I said, “I’m home all day.”
He didn’t seem too pleased.
An hour or so later, the music returned. I resisted the urge to go back outside.
He hasn’t been home the past few days, but I’m wondering how I should best handle this.
Like I said, situations like this can easily snowball. Ask me sometime about my dad, the next-door neighbor and the parking stones. Or the concrete mailbox with steel bars he made to prevent people from hitting the mailbox and which subsequently put a nice dent in a neighbor’s hummer.
In a normal world, I’d go over, explain my situation and being a good, considerate neighbor, the guy would stop blasting his music. But we all know this isn’t that world.
Besides, I already tried the direct route and I got an eye roll, a sigh, and a “when are you leaving?”
Perhaps, I should try something a bit less direct. A bit of psychological neighborly warfare. Doing so might involve not just this guy, but his whole family—and a couple of other homes. But hey, with war you sometimes get collateral damage.
Some ideas I have:
- Go to the neighbor’s door every weekend at 6 a.m. and ask if they’d like to join The Church of Dave?
- Walk around my living room naked with the blinds open—while jazzercising.
- Sit in my car and play some of my music. And here I’m thinking Suicidal Tendencies, Public Enemy, Slayer, or something really offensive like John Denver. Or maybe even Veggie Tales—that’ll teach him!
- Be super friendly, in a super creepy way, constantly running up to the family, asking them how they’re doing and trying to insert myself into their lives in every possible way. “So, I noticed that you threw out a quarter-full tube of toothpaste last week. Do you know that during the course of one year, you waste approximately $47 in unused toothpaste? Say, what are you having for dinner tonight? Can I come over? I make this awesome casserole.”
- Get one of those cool “Warning: Registered Sex Offender Lives Here” signs and put it on my lawn. Though, that wouldn’t go over well with the rest of the neighbors. And besides, I save those signs for Halloween, to keep the kids away.
- Wait till about 2 a.m., go outside and open my trunk, throw some rope and some fake blood on the ground and walk around with gloves, a flashlight, and a crowbar, searching frantically for the escapee. Knock on his door, ask him if he’s seen anything. When he says no, say, “that’s right, you didn’t see anything” while holding a finger to my lips in a hush motion.
- Invite my band friends over to practice in my garage every Saturday morning at 6 a.m. Naked.
Anyone else have ideas on how best to handle the situation? Drop a comment or share your own neighbor horror stories.
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36 Responses to “Welcome to the neighborhood; now get out!”
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I live in Japan, where the situation is different in many ways, but not in terms of neighbors being considerate. No, they are not quiet or more considerate because they’re Japanese…far from it. They’re just as likely to behave rudely and obliviously as any other nationality, but when you complain about it, you do it differently and the response is not quite the same.
Recently, new neighbors moved into the apartment above us. Now, Japanese apartments are made of material so crappy that a stiff wind makes the walls shake. You can hear people opening and closing their sliding doors, water running through pipes in the walls when toilets are flushed, and people opening and closing their windows. Normally though, I don’t hear footsteps stomping on the floor. The new neighbor seems to be incapable of walking like a normal person and feels the need to not only walk like an enraged elephant, but also to run from room to room in an apartment which is about the size of a big American living room in its total area. He doesn’t do this occasionally or for short periods of time. He will stomp around for hours at all hours of the day and night.
In Japan, the way you deal with this is never to deal directly with the offending party. You don’t confront anyone directly. You complain to the landlord or whatever agency has arranged rental of the apartment and they communicate with the rude neighbor. The only problem is that Japan also has a culture of “gaman” which means to endure hardship rather than make a complaint, so telling the landlord won’t get you anything on the first round. You complain and he asks you to put up with it for awhile just in case it magically goes away. After he thinks you’ve suffered enough, he’ll give you a chance to change your mind about registering a complaint. He doesn’t think that the neighbor has actually changed during this waiting period. He is just hoping you’re going to decide to drop it and put up with the noise. It’s about *you* learning to tolerate it and not make waves, not communicating to the offending party to cut it out.
Not being Japanese, I didn’t give up on round 2 of this process but said that it was still an issue. Nothing has changed, but the landlord said he’ll have a word with the neighbor. I’m guessing that this is the fourth stage of the process (1. complain 2. do nothing and wait 3. confirm complaint is still in play 4. pretend to do something about it but really just sit on hands longer) and that the final stage will be to actually say something to the neighbor. My guess is that I’ll have to issue a fresh complaint before we reach that.
So, that’s my story, and what I do, but it’s no more effective than what you’re doing. It’s just all couched in the illusion that something is being done and surrounded by smiles and empty promises.
Orchid64´s last blog ..Won’t Miss #129 – Japanese hair salon issues
Wow, that sucks. What would happen if you DID approach the neighbor?
I actually once looked up Gamen, as it’s one of my favorite songs even though I don’t understand the lyrics.
If I were there, I’d complain to the guy directly. What’s he gonna do? He can’t complain back to you, right? He’d have to go to the landlord and then the landlord would tell him to sit on his hands and deal with it. Right?
I think he’d complain about us to the landlord for being too aggressive. He might even claim we were intimidating him (especially since we’re foreigners and are intimidating for merely existing simultaneously in an adjacent location to Japanese people). Honestly, I think that us confronting him would be a worse violation of social etiquette than his stomping around like a lost Bigfoot.
Orchid64´s last blog ..Will Miss # 130 – supermarket trash bin contents
I hate unnecessary neighbor noise. My greatest pet peeve: neighbors who allow their dog to barkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbark. I leave nice friendly notes, talk to them and let them know that their dog is bothering me, and if it still continues, I call the police.
Sigh. I guess I’m not very diplomatic.
GreenJello´s last blog ..Conversation
You need to leave a note for the dog.
I think a combination of all of your ideas over a 2 month period ought to have them searching for a new home pretty soon.
Heather´s last blog ..What Do You think Of Vlogging?
Yeah, it’s worked on the last two tenants
Hahahah ahhh you always make me giggle.
I say the naked jazzercise – but as an added element, I suggest trotting on over to the gentleman in question (whilst naked, of course) and asking him if he’d like to participate. When he (inevitably) declines, start jazzercising your way back to your home – and proceed to complete the exercise routine on your front lawn.
The fresh air will do WONDERS for your constitution!
Rina´s last blog ..Link Love
Yeah, but unfortunately, I might attract this weird neighbor guy who is always peeking into my house and would probably love to join me for some naked jazzercise.
I love the creepy neighbor thing. Would you mind hanging out at my house for several weeks and doing it to our neighbors from hell? Young homeowner in his twenties who mistakes this ‘hood for Frat House row, or something. Home late from the bar at 3 a.m.? Why that’s a great time to carouse outside and hey, even bring the blues band home to play in the front yard and yell at the barking dog. Directly under our bedroom window. A friend of mine who does feng shui is bringing over a little mirror we are going to hang on the fence facing them. She swears it works. I’m ready to try anything that doesn’t involve more calling the police.
Betsy Wuebker´s last blog ..Roaming Through Michigan
Watch out, you might get your mirror shot at.
We’re going to have to move. And take a loss on the house. Ugh.
Okay, we’re moving to Canada!
No idea, but if you do ever do the jazzercise thing, the internet demands picture evidence . . .
Tara@Sticky fingers´s last blog ..The Apprentice
Er, no, it doesn’t!
Selfish´s last blog ..Watch me succeed, or watch me fail, either way it should be good
LOL.
You are ALWAYS trying to get naked pics of me. Tell ya what – you send me a case or two of Green and Black, I’ll send you all the photos your screen can handle!
I had a problem with a neighbour last year. He was standing in the middle of the street in the middle of shouting his head off. Then he got into his car and revved the nuts off it before screeching off down the road. I didn’t want to confront him either, because as you say these things can spiral out of control, but I did. The next day I told him what I thought of his behaviour and told him he owed the other neighbours an apology. Needless to say he didn’t take it too well and it all ended with veiled threats of violence.
I went back later to apologise for being so confrontational, and this seemed to appease him. He was a proud man and it seems the apology for my own conduct restored honour.
Astonishingly, over the next couple of days he went and apologised to the neighbours.
There were no further problems and he moved out a few months later. All of my windows are still intact so I’m chalking that up as a success.
Of course, in the UK neighbours generally don’t have guns.
BTW I laughed my little socks off at your ideas especially your trashing of John Denver. I for one like his music. Country roads, take me home, to the place etc. sing it with me now… Country roads, take me home, to the place… etc
Selfish´s last blog ..Watch me succeed, or watch me fail, either way it should be good
You have some odd taste in music, my friend.
Perhaps if you simply gave this neighbor a “mixtape” of your favorite songs, he would’ve left town earlier.
Dave, you should follow the example of Scooby Doo. Find ways to make your neighbor’s house appear haunted. Monsters, ghosts, phantoms — you know the drill. Eventually your neighbors will get so scared they’ll move. Works every time. And I think you can get away with it as long as there are no meddling kids around.
LOL!!
That is awesome.
I’ll see if I can find my old Scuba Man Ghost outfit.
I would have to say I know your pain. You can ask my wife, I am generally a very patient person. But I am not a person who can just “live with it” so to speak. I generally go your route of talking to the offending party as friendly as I can. I have done this a few times before moving on to a more… forceful tone and mannerism when dealing with the person. I am by no means an intimidating person, 5’11″ 265, but I have been told I can sometimes project a certain attitude that gets my point across.
But when all of my attempts have failed, I have used our local police to up the ante to let the person know I am no longer “playing”. In one case, someone down the road decided to come around the corner like they were trying to qualify for the Daytona 500 and lost control and went into the woods. My kids ride their bikes out front and I was not even in the mood to be nice. We called the police and ended up the driver had warrants. The passenger, who lived 2 doors down from us, was later shot by his younger brother because he was trying to breakdown his bedroom door and he feared for his life.
So yes, I get nervous when I confront neighbors, who for one reason or another, seem to think they are the only ones living on the street.
Yeah, neighborhoods would be so much nicer without the … um, neighbors.
I vote for for the creepy neighbour approach. Every time you see him in the driveway cleaning his car, you head outside right over to him with a “Hey neighbour! How are you!! Whatcha doing today?” Super nice, creepy nice and ALWAYS out there when he is out there.
Stacey Robinsmith´s last blog ..The Most Frightening Sound
Yeah, that’s the approach I’d like to implement.
My son sent me an article the other day. It was about a family at a restaurant. When the yahoos at the table next to them started getting loud & every other word was something inappropriate for the young daughter & the mother-in-law to hear, the guy asked the waiter to ask them to cool it on the swearing.
Of course, this provoked some wit to yell, “Yeah, well tell him to f### himself!”
Dinner had arrived and now the question was: give in to the jerks and leave, or stand your ground and eat a tense and uncomfortable meal?
The guy calls the waiter backs, hands him a couple of bills, and asks him to send a bottle of wine to the table. The waiter is shocked. The wife is surprised and confused – no doubt thinking she could use a bottle of wine right about now. But the gambit works. The table gets the bottle of wine, realizes they’ve been behaving like jerks, and when the family leaves a couple of the guys stand up, apologize, say they are a sports team in town for the weekend and invite the family to come to a game as guests of the team.
Later, the wife asks, “Why’d you think of that?” The dad’s response? For Lila (the daughter.) As I considered the lessons she was learning about “mature” men, I knew I had to act with grace and maturity. Even if the team had not respected the gesture I knew our family would be proud of trying to be gracious and pro-active!
***************
In my son’s introduction to this story he said he hoped he could become the type of man who would have the grace and presence of mind to make such a gesture (especially when the one finger salute would be the more instinctive gesture.)
Maybe there is an act of grace that you might enact that would be proud to share with your son in the year’s to come?
Failing that, I’m fully in support of both naked jazzercize & the creepy, too friendly neighbour. Actually, you could probably start with a gracious gesture and if it doesn’t work, simply move right into the creepy, sit-on-the-end-of-the-bed to finish your story type of neighbour.
Caitlyn´s last blog ..Thinking-heroes
Well, see, you went and actually gave good advice to my nonsensical approach!
Thank you, that’s good advice. Though, with my luck, they’ll have an allergic reaction to the wine and think I laced it.
It could be much worse. We live in an apartment and the upstairs neighbors, who are both retired mind you, like to have, shall we say, relations on Tuesday’s and alternating Friday’s and Saturday’s at 10:20 pm. Our apartments are pretty good about the sound and normally we don’t hear anything, not even them walking around. The worst part is I have to remember on the weekends that if my kids are hanging out in there watching a movie or something I have to time it so they are out by then. If you can find a solution to my issue, let me know…lol
mumof3boyz´s last blog ..Hubby’s Away – Part 3
I am probably THE most impatient person when it comes to inconsiderate neighbors. I’ve had all sorts! Loud music, abusing their dogs, letting their dogs dump in their driveway and listen to them shovel it up everyday, loud music outside the house, honking their horn incessantly down their driveway to announce they are home and the teenage son better come out quick to help with the groceries- this is a weekly event!, kids running around playing tag in the very dark, late hours. (we live in an old neighborhood where literally your driveway is the only thing that separates houses…house/driveway/house right next to each other) Okay I’m done complaining!
I usually just roll my eyes and grumble to myself. Sometimes I’ve knocked on doors to ask to please turn the music down! We’re moving soon, so I’ll be relieved of a few of these issues and I am praying, praying people!, that there won’t be worse things where we go next!
Sister In Law´s last blog ..Fruit Snack
Well, once you’re in Alaska, you’ll only have the moose to yell at.
Wait till about 2 a.m., go outside and open my trunk, throw some rope and some fake blood on the ground and walk around with gloves, a flashlight, and a crowbar, searching frantically for the escapee. Knock on his door, ask him if he’s seen anything. When he says no, say, “that’s right, you didn’t see anything” while holding a finger to my lips in a hush motion.
Naturally that is the one you want to do
What you also want to ask then is say – You ain’t missing anyone at home are you ?
If he answers no, then go – Ahh good good. Then go over to your car and make sure fake blood is on it and then drive off. If someone actually is missing from that house, run to your car and drive off because either you will have the police after ya for an unknown reason or you will get some very odd chats behind your back
Snat´s last blog ..Let’s play Maths
I like your twist on it. Though, I’d probably not enjoy the frequent police interrogations every time someone goes missing.
I’d call the cops and register a noise complaint. If your initial effort didn’t do anything and produced his snarky attitude I’d leave it up to the cops to sort out. that’s their job, to keep the peace. It’s better that than run the risk of starting an all out war with this guy. But, if it comes to that maybe get a bunch of NRA stickers to put on your car couldn’t hurt.
Keith Wilcox´s last blog ..Solar Flare Survival Kit: Not Paranoia
Actually, someone else DID call the cops on the guy. He thought it was me and came over and threatened me. I told him it wasn’t and I have no problem dealing with him directly, and that was the last of it – I hope.
I just peed myself (okay, and I sneezed). Totally love the Scooby Doo idea. (Start asking him if he’ll turn the music down for a Scooby Snack.) We had this really creepy neighbor I was convinced was a vampire (now maybe I just think he worked nights)…so, is it worse if they never open their blinds and scuff the trashcan to the curb at 3AM? Maybe, you could get one of those inflatable outdoor movie things and watch Sound of Music over and over again (high on a hill was a lonely goat herder, if you know what I mean). Hang in there. Drugs are bad, mmm kay?!?
Julie´s last blog ..Playing Hooker
I have lived next door to NFH (Neighbors From Hell) for 10 years.
Weekend parties that start at 2pm Saturday afternoon and go on until 3am (no exaggeration!).
On holiday long weekends it is not unusual for this to go on all weekend.
The music is LOUD.. I mean REALLY LOUD. The bass causes the walls and floors to vibrate.
The source of the music is a 400 watt sound system with subwoofer that is placed at the bottom of the yard just outside the “drunk-shed”.
We (and many other neighbors) have called the police so many times over the years that I have lost count.
When the police come the music is turned down.. but not off (unless it is very late at night).
Even with the music turned down there are still up to 50 people yelling and partying 20 feet from my house.
We have essentially lost the use of our property in the summer.
Requests to talk about the problem in the past have been meant by foul language, insults and taunts of “Why don’t you move!”.
This spring there was some early very good weather which caused the party scene to start earlier than usual.
A police officer suggested we speak to a lawyer about suing the neighbors for loss of use and enjoyment of property. He also suggested keeping a detailed log of all noise complaints from now on and to make sure to ask for the names of the police officers who respond.
I did speak to a lawyer 2 weeks ago and have started the wheels in motion to sue these ignorant people.
It is costing me money.. but what cost do you place on your sanity and the use of your property.
The lawyer is preparing a letter to deliver to the neighbour notifying them of our intent to sue.
I have also spoken to the neighbor on the other side of the NFH and they are considering suing as well.
If this fails to stop their insane outdoor parting I will then have no alternative but to sell my home and move out of this city.