Why you should probably never go shopping with me
Dear Target,
First let me say you’ve got a great store. It’s usually clean and the restrooms almost never have words written in feces on the wall – a huge plus in my book. However, I’ve got a few gripes.
First of all, and I speak on behalf of many, many customers – stop asking me if I want to apply for a damned Target credit card!
You’ve now asked me each and every time I go through your lines. Without fail! My answer will NEVER change. No, no, a thousand times no. Please stop asking me.
I could go off on a tangent as to why I don’t want your credit card, or any credit cards for that matter, but I’ll save that for another post.
This post is about the way you staff your store.
I notice that you have lots of employees! And in this recession, that’s great! However, whenever I visit your store, I see loads of your employees leaning against products, hanging out and talking to one another. Now, they COULD all be on break, but it seems a bit unlikely.
I wouldn’t care so much except for the fact that, except during the busiest days, you never seem to have more than two checkout lanes open!
I'm not sure, but this could be Target employees hard at work.
Tonight, you outdid yourselves in what I can only call the perfect storm of ineffectiveness.
I visited your store to purchase two jars of food for my son. Real simple in-and-out procedure, right? The kind you could even handle with the 10 Items or Less lane, right?
Wrong.
For one, I’m fairly certain that your 10 Items or Less Lane is some sort of Hollywood set piece, perhaps from the superb 1991 Jennifer Connelly comedy, Career Opportunities, as I’ve never actually seen the lane in use.
So, with only two items in my hands, I found myself staring at two long lines which seemed to start somewhere in the middle of the store.
I was forced to choose between two of what can only be called the bench players on the cracker jack team you call cashiers.
There was Old and Slow, who is friendly enough, but she scans with the speed and grace of a dying tortoise and Joyless, the cashier who has the glazed look of a slave laborer.
Now I don’t mind that your cashier isn’t friendly. In fact, since I don’t really like making small talk, I prefer Joyless over Guy Who Wants to Talk About Every Item I purchased. He works over at Wal-Mart and creeps me the hell out with his intense joy over my decision to buy Pizza rolls. What is HIS DEAL? I’m pretty sure that someday authorities will find a room full of human skin suits in his basement.
So, I chose speed and went with Joyless.
Big mistake. Because I just happened to be in line behind a woman who decided that, “Yes, I would LOVE to sign up for a Target Credit Card!”
Are you f*&#ing kidding me?
Why on Earth would a cashier staring down a long line of customers with only ONE OTHER OPEN LANE ask customers if they want to apply for a credit card?
WHY?!
So Joyless gave the woman some form to fill out. And of course the customer couldn’t find her ID which was presumably somewhere in a purse the size of a Buick. She did however find every document she’s ever signed stuffed in the gigantic bag.
As she started digging through her purse, I eyed the Other Line.
Old and Slow’s line is moving! Just as I am about to break free and dash over there, four people behind me also see the commotion in our line and bolt over to Old and Slow, leaving me stranded. Jerks!
If it weren’t bad form for a man to do so in public, I might have cried.
Instead, I tried to act casual and not let it get to me. I don’t want to be one of those annoyed, uptight people who rolls their eyes while sighing in a passive aggressive manner and then smiles when the person who is annoying you turns to give an awkward, “I’m sorry.”
But on the other hand, I don’t want to be the guy that freaks out and says, “DIE DIE DIE DIE!” as I go all Falling Down on the place with nothing but a baseball bat and a garbage can lid for a shield.
So, I tried some slow breathing techniques to relax myself.
But internally, I stewed as the scene continued to drag on. The customer now had QUESTIONS about the credit card: about how much she’d save on this purchase, how much of an interest rate the card had and could the cashier please read her the small print as she’s forgotten her reading glasses and maybe, just maybe, she might be better off waiting and using her First Purchase Discount on a bigger purchase and…
JUST GET THE DAMNED CARD!!!!
Well, I wanted to scream that, but again, I kept externally calm.
If there were some sort of electronic mind reading equipment in the store, security would have been called to take me down in a preemptive strike. Well, if the security guy wasn’t busy chatting with a co-worker in housewares.
Then I noticed that the guy chatting with security had the look of an assistant manager. You know, that drunk on the little bit of power they can lord over their underlings, type of look. He was completely oblivious to the drama unfolding in Lane 8.
I’m pretty sure as assistant manager, he could probably have opened up a register. Of course he didn’t.
After an eternity, it was my turn to pay for my two items. The cashier rang up my purchase of $2.42.
“Thank you,” she said tossing me my bag, “have a good night.”
Wait one freaking second!
No credit card offer? Is my Two dollar purchase not worthy of a credit card offer? The nerve of her! I am outraged!
So, what shopping pet peeves do you have?
Here are some other rants I’ve posted (or further evidence that I am not a well man)
Standing outside a DVD machine
Why McDonalds will probably file a restraining order against me
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25 Responses to “Why you should probably never go shopping with me”
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It’s not just men who have little tolerance for this kind of thing. I am the same way. Though, I am, admittedly, NOT a good shopper.
Shocking, I know.
MommaSunshines last blog post..What’s so great about US, anyhow? – Part I
Wow, you just made me realize I have a number 11 to add to my list of “marketing tactics that will make me hate you”!
And next time, walk away, man. Walk away. Nothing more satisfying than handing your un-purchased things to that lazy assistant manager guy (actually, rolling a full cart of stuff would be more satisfying) and saying, “I don’t have time for this shit, thanks.”
mother shaffers last blog post..10 marketing tactics that will make me hate you
“I’m pretty as assistant manager”
Kind of you to say yet oddly egotistical at the same time. Also incredibly random.
LOL, this is terrific! I’m passing on a link to this post to my friends and family, because we’ve all been there but your words and style of writing sum it up so well and make me feel like the whole experience was worth it! Awesome post
Kimerlys last blog post..Toot Toot
You sound like me, more of an acquirer than a shopper. I was at Target getting food for my son yesterday and had a similar experience. 84 cash registers available, 17 employees milling around laughing and doing nothing important, three open and all busy as anything. I chose my line based on the volume of items in the cart. All was going well, I put the five items I was purchasing on the belt when all hell broke loose. Supergenius customer had three, yes, THREE cards declined. So, she decides she was going to write a check. I immediately grabbed my items and found refuge in another lane. Sure I had to wait behind more people, but fortunately with less stuff. I made it out of there at the same time as supergenius customer with a few shreds of my sanity remaining, but how about that for a warning sign if you are Target? Three of her cards don’t work, but somehow her check might? Yikes! Good luck with that one.
PJ Mullens last blog post..Bits of Randomness: Smellivision Edition
Maybe this is just your Target. Mine usually has more lanes open than the other stores. Sucks to be you.
LOL
Jennifers last blog post..Can I have some EzCombs?
I could scrape this post and talk about my WalMart, which is incidentally the highest grossing WalMart per square foot in the nation. They have 23,471 employees – three checkout lanes. The post kept me in giggles. We have, cashier with eyes in different directions guy.
Writer Dads last blog post..How to Easily Keep Your Family Connected in 20 Minutes a Day
I blogged about Worst…er..Best Buy a while back. I just wanted to use embrace the suck as part of the title!
http://passingthru.com/2009/03/adventures-in-customer-service-best-buy-embraces-the-suck/
Betsy Wuebkers last blog post..THE SECRET OF FREEDOM IS COURAGE
We must shop at the same Target.
GreenJellos last blog post..Random Tuesday Thoughts
We don’t have a Target but I have the same gripes about Wal-Mart check out lines. Our store has about 30 registers and no more than 5 or 6 are ever open at once. I dream of a perfect society where all 30 lines are open all the time. In this place there are beer fountains and I can fly as well.
Otters last blog post..War Movie Marathon
Our Target is the model of efficiency and does give .5% of it’s profits to our community – Wal mart I do not shop at – I do pay for their employees health insurance – they give nothing back to our community.
I shop at the local store and try to know everyone’s name and have a chat. I shop at the Food Coop, the Farmer’s Market and my local, expensive Organic grocery store because they pay for their employee’s health insurance. Now if I was in need of the morning after pill I would have to go to a different pharmacy, and we have plenty of those to choose from, some even are involved in the community.
I found a purse just right for my Kindle reader – so I read while I stand in line….or write.
I am hoping my credit card works in Scotland and England, because JP Morgan/Chase bought out WAMU on a nasty take over deal of greedy proportions while I was in Hawaii and I could not eat or use the card for 2 days – very interesting experience.
I try not to get irritated in line or about others right now….it just makes ME feel ill and angry – what is the point of that?
But this did make for a very funny post – thank you for the laughter this morning.
Patricias last blog post..Hesitation
We’re stuck in lines like these in Carrefour here. My shopping pet peeve is having stuff that I regularly buy from a store out-of-stock. I know it happens and I know they’re bound to be out of stock every now and then but it doesn’t stop me from wanting to stomp my foot.
Oh and running into people I know. A super/hyper market is no place to run into people you know. There should be a law against that! No I don’t want to stand by the toilet papers and catch up with you.
Samars last blog post..Learning on the job
I so love this little perfect storm of a post. Splendid humor.
jan geronimos last blog post..The Art of Getting What You Want in the Blogosphere
Wonderful! I can barely control myself; you unleashed the supermarket rant beast. I’ll try to stick to one peeve. I hate when some wandering ‘supervisor’ with frustrated fascist little tin god syndrome tries to tell me which lane I should go to, like they’re managing the flow of cattle. When I tell her I’m happy where I am, thank you, she looks like her head’s going to explode like Arnie’s disguise in Total Recall.
janices last blog post..Re-invention 101 and a Special Book Launch Giveaway
LOL — this is why I check my email or read the news on my cell phone while in line — or at long stop lights. If I feel it will make a difference, I go straight to the top manager. The key there is to refuse to let them blame shift or weasel out with a simple, “I’m sorry.” Now those facial expression are the ones that get interesting.
Lori Hoecks last blog post..No one wants this kind of relationship!
Oh dear. You are so polite. Are you British? I would have thrown a tantrum. Or at least muttered something incredibly rude. Try it the next time. It’s liberating!
Metropolitan Mums last blog post..Wednesday Weigh-In Vol. II. Or: A sad reunion with my friend Ferrero
I did the meme…not as funny as you and Tara and Writer Dad, but so far the folks I referred it too have been happy because it was from you fellows and Tara!
Patricias last blog post..Blogger Dad – Blame Tara Meme
Target is my happy place. On the other hand, I’ve never learned not to go to Walgreen’s early Sunday morning after the new sales paper comes out, because I’m always behind at least 3 elderly women doing all sorts of grouping and sorting and shaking of the sales paper and presenting of the coupons and the assistant manager has to be called and a rain check issued or somebody has to go get the proper size of Geisha brand canned crab to qualify for the deal.
And since you can’t really get mad at old ladies on a fixed income trying to save a buck, I spend that time plotting against the military industrial complex that keeps our seniors in penury, having to do whatever they can to save a buck on Chase & Sanborn coffee so they can divert money to their “holding companies”.
Tracy O’Connors last blog post..Beef Cheek Casserole
Hahaha, this happened to me at Old Navy at the $1 flip-flops sale. The lines were to the middle of the store. Some woman in front of me purchased about 50 pairs of flip-flops and then decided to open an Old Navy card to pay for them. WHAT????? Then it’s my turn. My total is just over $5 and the cashier says, “Would you like to save 10% by opening an Old Navy card?” I laughed right out loud. No.
Nicki at Domestic Centss last blog post..A Defining Moment Of Perspective
Excellent rant!! Coming from a semi-professional ranter, that’s high praise. You’re welcome
I love Target to bits, but I think you gave them a few good pointers here, especially because that seems to be the case with most Targets I have shopped at (yes, I like to check out Target stores in other areas, so sue me.)
Well, you asked us to share some rants, and how could I not oblige?
- United, Oy vey
- Show me your Calvins. No, wait, DON’T.
- and oh, brace yourself for the rant par excellence: Oversharing and overbitching
You will never ask us to share stuff again