(Wow, a month off and then two posts in two days? I’m on a roll! In case you missed yesterday’s, which technically ran this morning and therefore missed timely publishing on the RSS feeds, it’s here. )
Tonight’s post was inspired by Deep Friar’s recent (and funnier) post, More Things I’d Do If I Were Boss of the World. Friar is a lot like me, in that we both blog, we both draw, and we’re both ticked off a lot, but he’s waaaaaay older. His idea seemed like a great way to cull together some of these random rants that have been building up during the past month.
So, with respect to Friar, I am going to imagine the rules I’d put in place if I were Boss Of The World. And when I say imagine, I mean, enforce rules I’ve already formulated on my walls in tiny obsessively scrawled missives.
If I Were Boss Of The World…
- People would have to maintain a one-seat-radius in the movie theater until such time that sales exceed the number of vacant seats necessary to do this.
- You would be allowed to legally taze anyone who comes to a dead stop in front of you to check their receipts, phones for messages, or for any other reason short of needing to put out a fire on their body.
- Pundits on FOX News and MSNBC would be forced to square off in a facts-only steel cage death match style debate. Sure, it wouldn’t get the ratings that actual REAL wrestling gets, but it would be a lot more fun to watch! And besides, who among us can’t imagine Glenn Beck dressed like Ric Flair? In fact,now that I think about it, Beck looks a lot like Bobby “The Brain” Heenan. Hmmm.
- Pepsi and Coca-Cola would be forced to have caffeine-free versions of their Diet Cherry lines of soda.
- Boxes of McDonald’s fries would have to be crammed full of fries JUST LIKE THEY ARE ON THE MENU BOARD and in the ads! Workers who try to pass off half-full boxes would be tazed.
- All people responsible for The Fresh Beat Band will be deported to a terrorist detention camp where they will be water-boarded for each hour of misery they’ve inflicted on parents forced to endure their special brand of hell on TV. And they’ll be tazed.
- Cake (or cupcake) delivery restaurants would be as prolific as pizza delivery joints so we can order a whole cake or just a slice whenever the mood strikes (which for me, is often).
- Anyone driving with music loud enough that it shakes walls within a half mile radius will be tazed. Twice. Then they will be forced to listen to chamber music at the same volume. If they happen to like chamber music, they’ll have to listen to the Fresh Beat Band.
- All children’s DVD’s would automatically start the minute you put them in the DVD player. And the movie or shows would repeat until such time that you hit eject. If you buy a DVD, you should not be forced to cycle through ads while your kid is having a nuclear meltdown.
- Every toy that makes noise would HAVE to have a volume control. Or a button to push to permanently disable its speakers in dramatic explosioney fashion.
- TV’s would be made with a filter which would block out any commercial which shows animals suffering as a Sarah McLachlan song plays in the background.
- I’d make stealing blog post ideas a crime, punishable by tazing. Wait, er…
ZAP. ARGHHH!
Want BloggerDad delivered to your email every time I post? Well, you’re not alone. Join the literally tens of others who have already subscribed for free! Email not your thing? That’s okay, you can also subscribe via RSS – It’s also free.
Content is copyright 2010 BloggerDad.com. If you are reading this on any site other than www.Bloggerdad.com or your personal RSS reader, then you may be reading it on a site which steals content. And would you trust a site like that?
Hey, I’m SIX YEARS older than you.
Six is not “waaaaaay older”.
Well, once you reach terminal velocity of 40, I suppose time speeds up considerably. Until then, each day is a year. Which makes you something like 80 in my book.
First Friar’s and now yours? Do I need to write one, too?
Aren’t you getting a little carried away with the tazer? What’s up with that?
.-= Barbara Swafford´s last blog ..One Blog Title – 52 Ways =-.
Repetitive with the taser? Nah, I’m just getting cranky in my old age. In six years, when I’m as old as Friar, I’ll be standing on my lawn in my boxers and black socks yelling at kids and waving a taser around in the air.
Damned kids. Wish they’d keep offa my lawn.
(*Grumble grumble grumble*)
I love this! I enjoy the thought of all of us freely tasing each other. It would keep us on our toes. I also like the thought of eliminating those animal commercials because usually I can’t look away, and just throw my wallet at the television.
Blogger Dad for president 2012!
@Barbara: Wuh?!?!?! I was wondering why Dave was leaving tasers OUT of most of his rules.
I like your sense of humor here, especially the tazer parts. If I were the boss of the world I would have implemented some of yours. It’s still a mystery to my why fast foods have a very teasing menu pictures yet are very different from what they actually serve.
I’m with you on all of these – especially cake delivery and tazing!
tazer this and tazer that…..could you guys throw in a bit of health care now that you are older – any wiser headed in your direction?
Maybe that is why I felt compelled to write a comment today…and two posts at one time…a bit indulgent
I don’t worry about the fries at MacDonald’s…I had to give all that stuff up when I thought I was old so I could get really old and wise…now there is a burden for you…fat and funny and then there is old and wise…..Guess it is all better than dementia?
Keep on ranting and letting it all out….I understand that is good for what ails!