…and other things I’ve learned as a first-time parent.
Since becoming a father last April, I’ve learned a few things (five, to be specific) from my toddler. I would have learned more, but let’s face it, with my son’s recent late night adventures, I’m lucky to remember this much.
Anyway, I provide this list as a public service for any new or expectant parents out there.
- Toddlers are full of crap… and pee, snot and earwax. In short, where there’s a hole, there will be leaks. No matter how clean you keep your child, and I would recommend bathing them at least once per hour, you must be vigilant in keeping the major orifices clean – especially when you’re going Out In Public. It only takes seconds for a child’s nostrils to fill up with enough bright green snot to make it look to all the world as if you’re the Worst Mother (or Father) in the World! So, you’ll want to be sure to ALWAYS carry a steady supply of tissue, wipes, and industrial strength cleaning supplies such as those used by crime scene cleaners (hazmat suit optional).
- Toddlers will put ANYTHING in their mouths. Short of getting a muzzle, and I wouldn’t necessarily rule that out, you must keep a constant eye on your child to make sure they don’t put something dangerous, or really, really gross in their mouths. Things which my son has put in his mouth, or attempted to:
- Old Cheerio’s which he id under the couch for later eating
- pens
- crayons
- markers
- pacifiers, which he also hid under the couch and which were now coated with cat hair
- cat poop
- his own poop
- various toys
- Babies are Grandma Magnets. You know how in the movies and TV shows you see a guy borrow his friend’s baby so he can go to the park and pick up women? Well, I’m not sure if babies are actually Babe Magnets, but I do know one thing, they are Grandma Magnets. No matter where we take my son, he will inevitably find the oldest people in the room and instantly bond with them through a series of smiles, laughs and waves. He loves them and they love him! Inevitably, the objects of my child’s attention will come up to us, even if we’re in the middle of dinner. They will always say the same thing, too. “Oh, he’s so cute. How old is he? What’s his name?” Given the frequency and static nature of the questions, I’m suspecting that all senior citizens are secretly tasked to survey the world’s supply of babies.
- Children are money pits. Okay, maybe that’s putting it a bit harsh, but what else will you spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on over a 20 year period with no chance of ever seeing a penny back (other than cell phone bills)? It is said that the average couple spends approximately $15 billion on their child during over the course of his lifetime (or at least it feels like that). Whether it be diapers, daycare, formula, food, clothing, toys, countless doctor’s visits and medicine, there is just sooooo much STUFF that you never consider when first budgeting for a child. The average family would be well advised to wait to become parents until they can afford to have a child. Of course, by then, they may be of retirement age, but that’s okay, babies love old people.
- What worked today may not necessarily work tomorrow. As a first-time parent, you will spend nearly half of your waking hours trying to figure out How To Make Things Okay with your child. Any number of things can cause your child to launch into a crying fit and it’s your job to assess Why and What to do to resolve the issue as quickly as possible. The more frustrating the issue, such as uncontrollable out of the blue temper tantrums, the greater the joy when you resolve it. Perhaps you end a tantrum by playing Watch Daddy Dance With Underwear on His Head (not that I would ever do that). And maybe the Underwear Dance stops the tantrum cold and makes Everything Okay. Well, before you get too excited and start making a mental note of how to stop the tantrums with the Underwear Dance, you might want to think twice. What worked today, will not necessarily work tomorrow. In fact, I can almost guarantee you that it won’t. Your child is just as likely to scream bloody murder the next time they see you don a pair of underwear on your head. (Not that I know from firsthand knowledge).
So, what sorts of things have you learned since becoming a parent and what advice do you wish you’d been given before having children?
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I’ve re-learned of my love for large quantitys of alcohal, of course only when Lilly finally gets home and takes the boy off my hands.
And I wish someone told me to fully commit to AA prior to having kids.
Hi Blogger Dad,
What a great post. Sit back and enjoy the ride. The best is yet to come.
Having kids that are now grown, I can also say, there is no guarantee at 20 years the expense will cease. Children love to come back to the roost, get a home cooked meal, borrow money, and/or get their laundry done. But, no matter what, they’ll always have our love.
Girls are Easier than boys (as toddlers).
Have wipe clean flooring where you eat your meals. Have wipe clean flooring everywhere else.
If your child won’t eat something – coat it in sugar…. They’ll eat then.
Your own language changes to suit the children but it doesn’t revert back once in adult company, ie, wee, poo, willy, boobies, snot.
They pick up curse words faster than any other kind of language, and they’ll display their proud knowledge at the most inopportune moments.
And there’s plenty more……
Dave did you just say girls are easier than boys? Ha. You have not met my daughter. Had she come first we would have been a single child family.
Things I have learned:
You will constantly hum the theme tune to Lazytown/Dora/Ben 10 constantly whether you like it or not.
You will learn to do the weekly shopping in 15 minutes flat – and that includes the time it takes to do the packing.
Never ever ever lose sight of your car keys. Kids love hiding them and think it’s hilarious when mummy gets all frantic trying to find them.
You will happily eat the soggy remains of their biscuit.
When they’re ill and you’ve been vomited on (even so it’s gone down your top) you actually don’t mind because it’s them and you love them unconditionally. And yes, I do have first hand experience of that!
Great list Blogger Dad!
LOL. Tara, I think what I meant to say is that my girls are easier to manage than my boys, and that doesn’t mean the girls aren’t challenging. They frequently launch leadership challenges and are only thwarted because the boys are bigger. Anyway, I’m given to understand that roles are reversed through teen years, when the girls are the ones to be afraid of.
LMAO at the biscuit. I confess that I too have eaten the soggy pulp that has fallen from the mouth of one of my children. Yuk.
BD: The new site looks great. I can identify with all of those! My son loves to eat paper. He can be surrounded by toys, almost piled as high as he is, but we forget to pick up that little scrap of spiral notebook vomit (you know the kind you get when you tear out a page) all the way across the room, and guess what is in his mouth within 3 seconds! It never ends!
Lesson #6 (not to be learned until you have child #2) What you learn with child #1 may or may not apply to child #2. And if it does apply to child #2 it could apply in reverse.
Lesson #7 Your MIL will compare your child(ren) to her other grandchild(ren) continually and no matter what you do, you’re screwed.
#5 couldn’t be more true. As soon as you think you’ve got it figured out, they’re on to something else.
I will respond to everyone later tonight. We’ve had a busy day here at the BloggerDad house. See you all later.
Blogger Dad,
Children are money pits? Did you actually say that? With ONE toddler? (insert the most raucous laughter you can imagine here)
How about this? One is graduating High School. One is Graduating College. Same time. High School grad-to-be wants great college education. College grad-to-be is going for Ph.D. and is already accepted into a program – NO HOUSING, NO FOOD, small subsidy. And the government has decided that WE are rich! (As have the schools, though I’d LOVE to know their formula.)
You are adding up diapers, formula, cheerios, toys that break overnight or get eaten, and your little one hasn’t even learned about the “alleged money tree” that is growing in your yard?
I have SO MUCH ADMIRATION for the parent who starts “saving” the day junior is born. We did not know what a savings account LOOKED LIKE until my dad passed away and we got a small inheritance. (Though I’d still WAY prefer to have dad back.)
Yes, they are absolutely, positively money pits – and it just gets worse and worse and worse. And you can’t even sell them when the “children’s market” goes up!
BUT…there is absolutely, positively, without-a-doubt, no higher-paying interest than watching your children grow. There are too many dividends to even mention. AND, the tables turn…and then they get to take care of YOU because THEY have taken all YOUR money, and are having to raise their own kids! I hope not to be a grandparent soon, but, I have to tell you, that MUST be retribution!
Rita
#1 Reminds me of one of Bill Cosby’s old records (years ago, back when he did stand-up comedy).
He talked about his snotty faced-kid walking around the house like a “Glazed donut monster”. (TOTALLY Gross, but hilarious).
Never had a child with a cold been described so accurately!
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Surfer Jay – thanks for stopping by the site. Unfortunately, I don’t drink, thought I may start soon!
Barbara – Thank you. Once my son hits 18, or leaves for college, my wife and I are going into witness protection.
Dave – LOL. Okay, son, I want you to eat your veggies. What’s that, you don’t like them? Well, how’s about we put some sugar on them? I’m SURE my wife would go for that!
Tara – Ooh, you mentioned the one I should’ve put, humming songs over and over. I STILL can’t get the Veggie Tales song out of my head! Thanks for the comments.
Sal – thanks for the comment on the site design. My son tries to eat paper, tissue and other things, also.
LizP – Number two may not happen if number one doesn’t learn TO SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT! Thanks for commenting.
Writer Dad – thank you. And yes, the little demons learn quickly, don’t they?
Rita – thanks for the post. And, I’m already looking into child labor camps to enroll my son so he can earn his way. He’s almost two, it’s about time he earn his keep! I’m sure Kathie Lee would agree.
Friar – thanks for stopping by. Yeah, remember when Cosby used to tell jokes rather than complain all the time?
Wow! I am impressed! The only thing my Dummy has learned is that if he pretends to be sleeping during a night time scream sesh that I will get up and stick a bottle in the baby’s mouth and possibly change her diaper.
1. Or you could just glue their nostrils shut. Gorilla Glue works best.
2. Umm, yeah…the Gorilla Glue can fix this, too. The right adhesive can cure many ills.
3. Like a pregnant belly invites stranger’s hands, little ones will bring out the elder folks…take advantage, let ‘em watch the sprite in the children’s section of Borders while you go somewhere (anywhere) else for some peace. Not that I ever did that or anything. Nope, never. It was a fourteen-year-old, and I (moderately) knew her, and I was only at the other end of the store in the cafe.
4. Save money – instead of daycare, get a cat. Trust me, until they are in the double digits, a cat (and the things that invariably come out of it) will keep them endlessly entertained. Not so much fun for the cat, though, so get a backup feline or two.
5. What works this moment probably won’t work in five minutes. You can also add a sub-heading about foods – the food that your child won’t live without right now, later on will be anathema.
As for your final question…sugar, I could teach a class. Oh, wait…I do! It’s like everyone’s afraid to tell you about the actual work involved, the mystery, the misery, the mess of having a child. Like if you know ahead of time some of the things that will swell, ooze, burst, bleed, dribble, run, stain, smell, erupt, splash, and otherwise alter your decor, clothing, and view on life, you won’t have one. Sigh. The thing is, you can absolutely love your sprite to distraction and still not thoroughly enjoy every aspect of their being. Heck, much as I love the Evil Genius (and I DO love him beyond word’s ability to quantify) there are times when I don’t like him much. He’s still completely worth it. I’m OK with that, and wish everyone else could be, too.
Shade and Sweetwater,
K (sorry I went all long and lecture-y, but not sorry enough to delete it)
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That was hilarious. I loved it and you totally hit the nail on the head. I am going to be back and I can’t wait to read some more.
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Maternal Mirth – Actually, that is one of those traits that is inherited in the male DNA. Thanks for coming by!
Kyddryn – LOL, great comment! As for the cat suggestion, we already have two of them. While E loves to play with them, one in particular doesn’t care much for E, and has bitten him a couple of times when E harassed him.
Yeah, he’s just starting to get picky about some foods that he LOVED.
thanks again for stopping by and providing some wisdom and laughs!
I love it!! And please note; it’s not just underwear on the head. You can put almost anything (box, bowl, pot, etc.) on your head and it will amuse a kids…once.
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Things my kids have tried to eat:
1) the dog’s tongue
2)my chin
3)marbles
4)dog food
5)their own toenails
6)their own boogers
7)rocks
8)air freshener
9)Cinnamon Buns scented candle wax
10)bars of soap, more than one bite, I’m talking half a bar
I think they have pica, we’re having them tested.
SuperMommie – LOL! Yes, my son is a big fan of daddy putting things on his head. Of course, I didn’t realize that he would mimic me in public places!
Jamie – LOL! That’s a pretty disgusting list!
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Blogger Dad, your article reminds me why I am grateful to be a grandparent. We can spoil them and hopefully send them home. I do know a few grandparents who are actually raising their grandchildren.
My daugter and I went just talking a few days ago about how different each of her 4 children are from each other. Right now all 4 seem to enjoy being with each other. When my son was 4, he discovered that my daughter breathes. He would sit at the breakfast table, look at her and tell her loudly, “Don’t breathe on me.” He had discovered germs and thought most of them came from his sister. It got worse when they became teenagers. Then is when they didn’t like each other or each other’s friends. Thank God, today they like each other.
Children are payback for when we were kids. My daughter has 4 very strong-willed ones. I love it. I love them. I can’t wait until my son has some. For some reason, in my family, God thought it would be fun to give me a daughter that should have been my sister’s. Maybe because they throw sparks off of each other. They are so much alike. Again, I love them both.
Something my daughter taught me that little boys don’t seem to do is that little girls love to squeal at anything and everything. I don’t remember doing that as a child.
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About your comment, “Children are money pits. Okay, maybe that’s putting it a bit harsh, but what else will you spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on over a 20 year period with no chance of ever seeing a penny back…” Consider them like a Mutual Fund investments. You are investing for the long term future, if one of you don’t kill each other or exhaust the other into extinction. Surviving the teenage years is most perilous and most exciting and rewarding. However, getting past that period and into adulthood you will begin to see your rewards. The curses that they spat upon you in their youth, (1) return to them in their adult/parenting years when they (2) make you a Grandfather. Such sweet rewards. And when they leak, you give them back.